At least for now. My goal was to complete my 15-minute aerobic/pilates DVD workout 3 times last week but I only did it twice. Though I didn’t meet my goal, surprisingly, I’m happy about my progress. I tried, and that’s good enough. Thinking this way is also progress: I’m not beating myself up about not reaching my goal.

Since mid- to late-August, I’ve been pushing myself, driving myself places such as shopping for Brian’s birthday presents and a series of dentist appointments — even unexpected ones. I started therapy again and have been taking the El to get there, and that includes about 20 minutes of walking, round trip.

I still have a few dentist appointments coming up including a root canal, which I’ve never had done before. I’ve been putting off seeing my family doctor about this skin discoloration on my right shin, which begins at the cortisone injection site from when I sprained my ankle last spring. Now, the site stings and it looks like a rash has developed so I can’t put that appointment off any longer. I also have a flu screening coming up as well as my regular pdoc and therapy appointments. And I’m planning to drive myself or take the El on my own to most of these.

On top of that, there was the road trip to Columbus, my blog was hacked this past weekend, and all of the other small stresses that add up to a ton of stress — not all of it bad — I’ve been getting out more socially. Yesterday, for example, I had a really good day. We went to a belated birthday brunch for Brian, and although my sister and brother-in-law couldn’t make it, we had a really good time with my mom.

Today, however, I’m completely overwhelmed. I made myself get out of bed and do my morning chores. I made myself shower and get dressed. But these basic things have been harder and harder to do since we got back from Columbus. The good thing is that I’ve recognized that I’m pushing myself to do more and more things — pushing myself too hard, which is a cycle I’ve been through in the past and always ends up with me falling flat on my face and unable to get out of bed for days or weeks.

The good thing is that I saw this and am cutting back to only 2 of these health appointments a week. Earlier today I thought I had finally fallen and was back at square one yet again, but I’m just having a bad day. Yes, I was on my way back to the beginning but the fact that I’ve seen this and am not going to continue pushing myself is progress. Working out will just have to wait.

See more progress on: lose 25 lbs.

I’ve never written about this but I have food issues. I use food as a reward system for myself when I’m making steps towards my recovery. I use other things, too, like shopping, but food is the big one. I tend to choose foods that are bad for me like ice cream, which exacerbates my IBS. But then I can’t stop. I keep eating more and more ice cream (most recently a Good Humor King Cone) each day, sometimes twice a day, knowing the effects it’ll have on me.

Other times I use food (again, something bad for me that exacerbates the IBS) to make myself feel better. Oh, I’m depressed because [insert reason here, i.e., I have bipolar; I have IBS; I’m on disability; I’m PMSing; just because]. I should get to have half a pint of Edy’s Nestlé Drumstick Sundae Cone ice cream because that’ll make me feel better, never mind the consequences. Hmm…I still feel depressed. I’ll just eat the rest of that pint…. Now I feel depressed because I ate ice cream when I know very well that tomorrow I’m going to end up with the runs. But it tastes go good! So I’ll have some more. I know Brian stashed an extra pint in the freezer somewhere.

And yet other times, I use food to reward myself for having not eaten it! Well, I haven’t had ice cream in a whole week, so I should get to have some. I’ll just have a quarter of a pint. But that usually ends up being the whole pint. It’s like this excerpt from Carrie Fisher’s Postcards from the Edge:

That’s it, I’ve quit. This time I’ve really quit. I’m not doing cocaine anymore. If someone came up and offered me cocaine I wouldn’t do it….

My first party without drugs. Interesting…. I wonder if anyone here even has any cocaine. That guy Steve looks like he might, he usually has some. I loathe that guy, but he always has great cocaine….

No, I promised myself I would not do any cocaine, because that last time was such a nightmare and…But it was fun in the beginning….

But this is the new me. I’m totally on a health kick. I have not taken cocaine in four days. I don’t even like it anymore. I never really did like it, I just did it ’cause it was around. And I don’t think I was really heavy into it, not like Steve over there….

“Hi, Steve, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah. I’m fine…. You seem very up. No, I’m…I’m not doing any right now. I’ve quit…. No, I’m serious…. I’m absolutely committed to this.

“No, I don’t think I had a problem. It’s just that my nose started…I don’t know. I’ll probably end up still doing a little bit every so often, you know. Not right now. Maybe…well, like, maybe…. All right, maybe like a hit, but that’s [...] it, though.”

And of course the guy ends up in rehab after ODing on coke and a bunch of other drugs. He even has a secret stash at home, like I do with my ice cream, candy bars, etc. Ice cream is not even in the same ball park as cocaine, but once upon a time, for me, it was alcohol and cocaine and other drugs instead of ice cream. Once upon a time it was hangovers not the runs. The problem with ice cream is that not only is it legal, it’s food. For me, it almost doesn’t matter what it is. It’s the patterns of thinking that I need to change. *sigh* This is going to be a long road.

See more progress on: lose 25 lbs.

After not having exercised in 165 days according to my Wii Fit, I did this 15-minute pilates DVD workout that also includes some aerobic stuff. God, I completely forgot how core-heavy pilates is. I barely made it through those exercises. But for now I want to improve my cardio condition, however slightly, and regain my flexibility. High blood pressure runs in my family and now that I’m 40 I’m starting to get worried.

My goal for this week is to do this workout 3 days this week. No, it doesn’t compare to my nearly 1-hour cardio workouts and 1/2-hour stretching exercises from the past, but I have to start somewhere. Even back then when I started, I could barely do 10 minutes on the treadmill at a less-than-moderate pace.

Although last time my goal was to lose 15 lbs., I actually lost a lot more and was skimming 110 lbs., which for me, at 5’1″, is underweight. Unless of course I was a Hollywood starlet, in which case I would’ve been 10 lbs. overweight. Heehee.

Also according to my Wii Fit, my body mass index (BMI) puts me into the overweight range. Though I am not obese, I still have a ways to go to reach 115 lbs., which my doctor said I should be.

Am I undermining myself by having bought 3 king-size Reese’s bars for $3 at Walgreens? And an Oreo brownie for 99 cents? After finishing my workout and showering? Perhaps. Obviously I’m not ready to change my diet, but as long as I’m getting physical activity, it’s something. I need to remember to give myself credit for that.

See more progress on: lose 25 lbs

As opposed to the merely existing, that is. I had my first appointment with my new/former therapist. I was anxious, mainly about taking the El to get there. I was tempted to drive, but I didn’t. I was afraid I’d be late, but I wasn’t. I survived transferring to the subway from the El and riding in cars more crowded than my last El trip. I survived exiting on the wrong corner when I climbed outside from the underground. I had no panic attacks and didn’t take an extra Klonopin. I got exercise from walking to and from the train station.

We had to catch up on the past 2 years since I saw her last — my mental and physical health. More importantly, we discussed my therapeutic goals, which include going to therapy and not canceling at the last minute, even if it means showing up with only 5 minutes left of my session. I just need to show up. Similarly, I’d like to work on keeping my other commitments in order to take the larger steps of taking a class, going back to martial arts, and most definitely playing hockey. When you’re the goalie, you have to be there.

Other goals I have that I haven’t yet addressed here include feeling comfortable with my weight, whether I remain at my current weight or choose to lose 25 lbs. As long as I’m in good cardio shape, which I’m so NOT, I want to feel good about not just my body image but my self-image. Part of that includes accepting the IBS and other health issues I have, like the uterine fibroid and my food addiction/abuse. I also want my independence back — driving myself to my own appointments and eventually, driving on the expressway. I want to start writing again and sending my work out. Most of all (and I forgot to mention this to her), because I’ve been dealing with this bipolarness for 15 years, I’ve come to define myself as bipolar, period, rather than seeing myself as a person who happens to have bipolar disorder.