Ha! What grind? I pondered this same issue about a month ago. I thrive on routine, even little, teeny routines like getting out of bed, making said bed, using the bathroom, brushing my teeth, unloading the dishwasher while the coffee brews, then having breakfast. I realize that’s incredibly detailed but I need that, especially when I’m really depressed and have to concentrate on one “step” at a time. As it is, I’ve been blowing off those 2 little chores for weeks, maybe months. The rest of the morning is spent on the computer until I get tired of it in the early afternoon when I have lunch and read and probably nap. I may or may not have showered.

Trouble began a few months ago when I returned to the gym and was struggling to find a way to fit it into my schedule, such as it is. Then we went to Iowa in November (still haven’t posted the pics for that trip) and I haven’t worked out since. Part of it was because of a nasty customer service experience over the phone with a front desk clerk, and since then I’ve been trying to convince myself that maybe that gym isn’t right for me after all. Maybe I should just stick with the old one, despite its fewer number of classes at times I’d be willing to attend (on weekdays when everyone else is at work).

This recent trip to Iowa from which we returned yesterday was less stressful than the one in November, and definitely less stressful than our trip to Columbus in September. Don’t get me wrong — a lot of it was good stress, but it was still stress. A major part of it is worrying about whether or not I’ll have used the bathroom (thank you, IBS) and showered before housekeeping arrives. Traveling is stressful as it is, but to have taken 3 road trips within the last 4 months is a lot for me. Prior to that, we hadn’t been on any overnight trips since last Christmas.

Now that we’re home and Brian’s back at work, I feel lost. I have a ton of blog reading to catch up on and when I feel overwhelmed, I tend to withdraw. Although I’ve been using the light box for nearly a week now, I’ve slept horribly for the past few days. Odd, since light therapy is also supposed to help with sleep. Maybe it’s just because we were out of town.

I return to psychotherapy on Wednesday and Brian will be working from home so he can take me — though I’m supposed to do the driving — I’m all freaked out about driving in snow and for some reason, that makes me feel like an idiot.

I suppose the wise thing is to just let myself have a “mental health day” today and chill, but I’m having trouble. I’ve considered taking an extra Klonopin, but I’m holding out. For what, I don’t know. The good thing is that I don’t feel depressed — just out of sorts.

Usually, we travel to Iowa for Christmas to celebrate with Brian’s family. My family that’s still in Chicago celebrates around the New Year because my mom usually travels at this time. Unfortunately, I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to go to Iowa because I was starting to fall into a depression. I decided not to let it stop me, but by then our sitters were booked and I was hesitant to try someone new that we didn’t know at all — I mean, they’d have keys to our place! I personally know the owners of our regular sitters.

I was really disappointed about not seeing Brian’s family. Although we haven’t gone to Iowa consistently because of my depression, we were there last year and the year before, I think. We usually spend Thanksgiving and New Year’s quietly at home, but not Christmas.

So Brian decided to do his best to give me his family’s traditional Christmas and asked me what I liked about it — in terms of food. He said he’d be making ham with mashed sweet potatoes and (fresh, not canned) green bean casserole. I said Christmas cookies like his grandma used to make — the kind with that sort of hardened icing, not frosting from a can — and brownies. Then his jaw dropped when I said deviled eggs. I love deviled eggs even though they’re so bad for you. But I offered to help with the eggs — I mean, how hard can it be to make them? No, I don’t know how to boil an egg, but I could help with the rest of it. I even offered to help with the baking.

Old-timers know Why I Am Not a Domestic Goddess. In fact, I’m a danger to myself in the kitchen. I’ve sliced my thumb wide open slicing a bagel — that doesn’t even involve the oven. And when we got these rubber, dishwasher-safe pot holders, I thought the hole on one end was to slip your thumb through, which I did, and burned myself removing something from the oven.

On Sunday, we got a call from one of the nurses at our vet, who said she could sit for us. Hooray! Fortunately, there were still rooms available at the hotel where we planned to stay. Not a whole lot of room at Mom and Dad’s — Brian’s 2 siblings and their spouses are staying there, and one of the couple’s 2 dogs!

This holiday season has been the first I’ve enjoyed in years. Even when I didn’t think we’d be able to see Brian’s family. He took last week off and we filled out holiday cards and wrapped presents together. In the past I’d done most of that but doing these things together is what made it so much fun. All of our local packages have been dropped off and we have 2 packages to take to the post office that won’t make it to their destinations by Christmas, but oh, well.

Sure, I’m feeling the holiday stress like everyone else, but I did get my shopping done early. All of this has been a lot of progress on my part because in previous years I did all the shopping online. A few years ago I stopped sending cards because it was all too overwhelming and I was just too depressed. Although I’m sure we won’t get everything done that we’d like, I’m doing my best not to worry about it. Maybe I’m finally learning not to be such a perfectionist.

Today, I realized that I must be improving because I actually feel happy. Happy. I felt kind of sad, too, though, because it took me a while to figure out what I was feeling because I hadn’t felt it in so long. And although I’m enjoying the season, no, I’m not wearing cheesy holiday sweaters and going around singing Christmas carols.

I had a really good post for this week, but we’re leaving Cedar Falls this morning for a 5 – 6 hour drive home. So, the festivities will just have to wait for next Friday!

Brian and I just returned to our hotel after having lunch with a good friend (“Kurt”) who teaches at the University of Northern Iowa (where Brian went for undergrad), Kurt’s wife (“Amy”), and his colleague (“Ted”). We haven’t seen each other in at least 5 years, so it was a really special time and lots of fun, even though we’re pretty sure the 2 ladies sitting near us at lunch disapproved of our scatological conversation. Inappropriate talk at the table most definitely, but it all started after Ted visited the men’s toilet. Let’s just say that if a play is ever written about shitting and pissing and things that you just shouldn’t be doing while shitting or pissing, then you’ll know that the seed for that as-yet-unwritten play began with us.

After several trips up and down the aisles of one of the campus lots because Ted couldn’t remember where he parked, we wished him goodbye and a safe trip to Minneapolis where he was headed immediately after lunch for a John Fogerty concert. We then took a tour of the greenhouse on campus and saw a monkey cup or, pitcher plant (scroll down after clicking link), which is a carnivorous plant I never knew existed (see pic — they look like organic condoms, don’t they?). I dared Kurt to stick his finger inside, but he wouldn’t. We toured more of the campus while walking Amy back to her office, and afterwards, Kurt took us on an extensive tour of the various new and remodeled buildings since Brian’s time there.

I wish I was able to take pictures, but it was too cold and sprinkling out. The campus, while certainly not as large as Ohio State’s, is very pretty and has many neat sculptures sprinkled throughout the grounds. We even walked on the field of the UNI-Dome, which was the highlight for me. I touched the end zone with my finger! We took a couple of pictures there, but they were with the point-and-shoot, the cable of which is lost, and the gadget to upload pics from the memory card is at home. Kurt also took a picture of Brian and me under the conference titles sign and I’ll post those later. I wanted them to take a picture of me lying on the UNI Panthers logo on the 50-yard line, but we continued our brisk pace. As we walked back through the football field after visiting the Wellness Center, I noticed that the football players were just coming out to start practice. Kurt suggested I have my picture taken with them but Brian thought it was inappropriate and was basically a spoilsport.

All in all, it was a wonderful visit and I regret not being able to take pictures. That just means we’ll have to return during the summer and prowl the campus again.

photo [via]

These 2 things do not go together. While I love having pretty toes, once it gets below 60°, maybe even 70° because I get cold easily, I stop wearing flip-flops or sandals. Lately, I have considered not getting color during the colder weather because first of all, no one sees my toes except for Brian, the cats, and me. OK, I suppose the ladies in the gym locker room might notice them.

Second, it takes way too frickin’ long for the polish to dry and even when the nail tech assures me that it’s safe to put on my socks and clogs (which is what I bring even when there’s a foot of snow, because I will not pull on snow boots after a pedicure), even when she assures me that it’s safe, well, sometimes she’s wrong. As soon as I get home and pull off my socks, what do I find? Ruined polish.

It just so happens that there’s a salon a block away from our hotel. Though I already have my next pedicure scheduled — you know how they get busy with the holidays and all — and my nail tech has warned me against getting pedicures while on vacation because you pay a lot more and might get a decent pedi, I wanted pretty toes. Besides, my nail tech did recommend getting massages while on vacation and again, since there’s a salon a block away, I scheduled one — which was fantastic, by the way. But I couldn’t resist asking about a pedi because I. Want. Pretty. Toes. Plus, we’re in Cedar Falls, IA, so how expensive could it be, even if they do a shitty job?

And as you can see from the picture above (click to see the large image and the wonderful new OPI color I decided to try called “Dear Santa”), my toes look great. The nail tech talked to me, unlike that one time I made the mistake of getting what turned out to be a shitty pedi at a spa in Mesquite, NV, where they didn’t even use soap in my tub — gross — and I was completely ignored. In fact, the lady today, it turns out, went to high school where my father-in-law used to teach. Just before she put on the polish, she put these lovely disposable pedicure slippers you see here on the left. These soles are 5mm thick, though I’m pretty sure the ones I wore were the 3mm ones.

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