My pdoc decided to keep me on Pristiq because I’m doing so well on 50 mg. No more horrible side effects. I’m completely off trazodone and Klonopin, so now I only take Pristiq and Tegretol for the bipolar. It’s been OK, but I have to admit that sometimes it’s really, really hard to fall asleep and sleep well. I’m hoping that in time this will improve. At least I’m no longer tired constantly and in need of naps even if I slept 10 hours the night before.

Amazingly, showering is no longer something I struggle with every day. Even when I don’t feel like doing it, I’m able to without having to force myself and put every ounce of energy I have into making myself do it. It’s nice to have that be “normal.”

I still struggle with leaving the house, though, probably because I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m working on it.

Maintaining good sleep hygiene is important when it comes to managing bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, unlike taking meds, seeing your therapist, and possibly getting exercise, this isn’t something you can always control. Ideally, you should go to bed at the same time every night (which I do, give or take an hour, maybe 2), and get up at the same time every morning, which I do because I wake up too early and either toss and turn for a couple of hours or sleep very lightly so I might as well get up.

It’s weird because I’m getting about 8 hours of sleep. The problem is that it isn’t good sleep — you know, like REM sleep. And then I’m exhausted the rest of the day and don’t feel like doing anything like showering or getting dressed, let alone going anywhere — except maybe for a latte and my new food thing — Starbucks peppermint brownies. And you know, they aren’t even the bomb, but I’m stuck on them for some reason.

Anyway, sufficient sleep and plenty of rest is good for anyone’s health, whether or not you have bipolar. I’m not getting it and it’s making me very irritable. Sometimes I’ll fall asleep for an hour or so in the afternoon and even that doesn’t help — I feel exhausted physically and mentally when I wake up. At least the naps don’t keep me from being able to fall asleep at night.

My sleep med (trazodone) helps me fall asleep right away. The extra 1mg of Klonopin at night has finally seemed to kick in because I’m not waking up in a knotted ball of muscle. But for some reason, I can’t sleep through the night. I suppose I could sleep past 7am, which is when I usually get up, but I hate sleeping so late into the morning. Something needs to happen because I can’t stand it anymore — I’m like, climbing the walls.

Tomorrow is the last day of both NaBloPoMo and the Poetic Asides November Poem-A-Day Chapbook Challenge. Thank fucking goodness. I’m not as concerned with the poetry challenge because they don’t all have to be written by tomorrow. Participants have the entire month of December to revise the poems and then submit it for the chapbook contest (which I’m not doing; I’m planning to take more than a month for revisions). So I have plenty of time to write them and because they offer daily prompts, at least I have ideas.

As for NaBloPoMo, I do have ideas, but I just don’t have the energy to write something that’s fairly well thought-out in just a few minutes and then hit the “Publish” button. If I do this again next year, which I probably will, we will not be doing any traveling during the month of November. On the other hand, if we do have travel plans, I won’t be doing NaBloPoMo. It’s just been way too much for me.

It hasn’t helped that I haven’t had enough sleep/haven’t been sleeping well for the past few weeks. I’m absolutely exhausted today. Again. Each day I’m just that much bitchier and not so gentle with my state of mind. I’m not giving myself any mental breaks, like I remind my friends who do or do not have bipolar to do when they’re going through a rough patch. Why? Because I have these crazy, unrealistically high standards for myself. So, I’m ending this post now in order to try practicing what I preach.

My first bullet post!

THE CATS

• We’re still waiting for Hee Seop’s lab results, but his appetite has improved. It isn’t normal, but he’s been eating. Apparently, he has something like the stomach flu. The vet sent us home with i/d, which is easily digestible. When he wasn’t interested in that last night, we gave him some of his usual food but he didn’t care for that either. This morning he ate all of his i/d. Instead of 2 meals a day we’re spreading them out to 4 — same amount as usual, though: a 6-oz. can a day. His stool is still loose but better.
• Unfortunately, Basil had loose stool today and his appetite was down this morning. When Hee Seop showed no interest in his second helping of i/d today (nor in his regular food), Basil ate the i/d. He vomited a little bit late in the afternoon, but that’s not unusual for him. Hopper also vomited a bit, but that isn’t unusual for her, either.
• When we returned home just now someone had diarrhea and didn’t bother to bury it. My first thought was that it belonged to Hopper or Angelo because they have this alpha thing going between them and neither one buries his/her poop. Well, the vet will hear all about it when she calls this evening.

ME

• Meanwhile, I’ve been utterly exhausted all day. I didn’t sleep well. Again. I wonder, too, how much of it has to do with recuperating from vacation. Why is it that Brian, my sister, my brother-in-law — all can go out of town for a weekend and return to work just fine? I really hope that I’m not coming down with anything because I absolutely can’t stand being sick. I’m a baby as it is, but I’m worse when I’m sick.
• Needless to say, I didn’t make it to my fitness test, but I at least made it to my pdoc appointment a little while ago. He thinks that my anxiety is what’s affecting the depression, rather than the other way around, or that the anxiety is a symptom of the depression, during the past few weeks, anyway. So he’s increased my Klonopin from 2mg a night by adding .5mg in the morning. We’ll see how that goes. I’m going to lie down now.

When I saw the pdoc last week I told him that I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been having vivid dreams, which isn’t new, but although I don’t remember most of these recent ones, each one puts me in a stressful situation — kind of like those dreams about not having studied for a big exam, but 10 times more stressful. I wake up with my jaws clenched and with my entire body a knot of tensed muscle. I feel physically and mentally exhausted.

The pdoc was surprised because the 1 mg. of Klonopin I take every night has muscle relaxing properties. Well, it doesn’t. Not 1 mg., anyway, unlike the 3 mg. I took before my root canal last week (1 mg. the night before, 1 mg. the next morning, and 1 mg. a couple of hours before my appointment). He said that it is possible to actually stress while you sleep, so he replaced the Klonopin with 5 mg. of Valium.

I was concerned because of my past history of overdosing on prescription meds, although I haven’t done that in years; I take all of my medications exactly as prescribed. I am allowed to take 1 or 2 extra Klonopins during stressful situations, and even that has been rare — just the emergency dental appointment this past summer and this recent root canal. Other times I just eat, but that’s another story.

Although this is a valid concern, my pdoc and therapist agree that there isn’t any danger of this happening. Besides, if you’ve ever had to drink activated charcoal, you’re not going to be ODing again anytime soon. At least it worked as a deterrent for me. That web site’s claim that activated charcoal is “tasteless” is complete and utter bullshit, I’ll tell you that right now — it’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever tasted in my life. And if you don’t drink it, they pump your stomach and force it down your throat. No, thank you.

Anyway, I left his office feeling like a middle-class suburban mom in need of a “chill pill,” the image that comes to mind when I hear “Valium,” but also with some hope of relief.

If anything, things are worse. Now, I’m not even sleeping through the night! I wake up several times and often have trouble falling back asleep. This is in addition to the stressful dreams. It’s only been a week, and admittedly, I’m too lazy to call the doctor, so I’m giving it another week. I just hope it starts working.