For the past half hour I’ve been on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason. There are really only 2 explanations: PMS or depression. I’m thinking it’s the latter. Well, or maybe the 8″ – 12″ inches of snow we’re expecting! *wah*

I’ve been using EMSAM for 5 days now, which, it turns out, is 1 day longer than I used it in the past. Or if I used it longer, I didn’t see any posts written about it because I ended up having ECT again — and get this — although I was depressed at the time, I was doing TONS better than I’m doing now! I mean, I was still playing hockey! This was almost exactly 3 years ago. I had trouble writing blog posts, so Brian kept readers apprised of what was happening, but besides that, I was doing quite a bit better.

That doesn’t bode well. Part of me wants to go ahead and have ECT so I can feel better NOW. But I’m finally regaining my short-term memory and can actually remember things, like movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read recently; it isn’t like once I’ve seen or read them, I’ve pretty much forgotten what they were about. It’s a huge trade-off.

In other news, I’m still in therapy twice a week. I had my ankle MRI yesterday and the results will be in tomorrow. Part of me hopes they find something wrong so they can actually fix it instead of guessing at treatments. Gah.

I’ve been avoiding the Internet — Twitter, Facebook except for my Mafia Wars account, my blog, your blogs, even e-mail when possible. It’s a sign of depression for me. But this time I’m determined to continue blogging, no matter how difficult it is. I’m at least getting out of bed, though I haven’t been showering every day, if at all. My hygiene is at a minimum. I mean, by the time I’m done using the bathroom, I’m pooped. Haha. Seriously, I am drained.

This last bout of depression was beginning to improve, especially because I was also finished PMSing. Then an incident occurred on Saturday morning. We were supposed to take Basil to the vet for a tech appointment (not a full exam) at 10:30. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom yet, and by the time I did, we were running late. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but Brian and I began yelling each other, I began feeling extremely anxious — while on the frickin’ toilet — and scratched up my left arm. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was all red and the top blood vessels had burst like they do when I scratch a hive or mosquito bite more than I ought to. It wasn’t my intention to harm myself; it was very much like wringing my hands or working a piece of fabric (like from my shirt hem) between my thumb and forefinger when I’m anxious.

I had already had bad IBS experiences the few days before, and my self-disgust was — is — at an all-time high. I realize this isn’t my fault, that it’s the IBS, but I’m still not convinced because going to the bathroom is something we learn to control at an early age. This incident on Saturday plunged me into yet another depression. I had already seen our family doctor earlier that week, who prescribed something that’s like a preemptive Immodium. I can’t remember what it’s called. I took it for the first time that morning, 15 minutes before eating, as directed. The only real difference was that when I had to go, it wasn’t as incredibly urgent as usual — just that I didn’t have to go early enough to give me time to get ready to leave the apartment.

Anyway, I haven’t even wanted to talk to my therapist on the phone, but I have. I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in about a month. In the meantime I’m supposed to get an MRI for my ankle and some sort of nerve test that will hopefully explain why my left hand suddenly goes numb sometimes. Not numb like I can’t feel it; more like pins and needles, even though I haven’t been sitting on it.

I’m trying not to stress eat, and it’s been tough. But seriously, the last thing I need is to gain even more weight.

I always look forward to the end of the year, as in man, am I glad that’s over. On the other hand, I don’t look forward to the coming year nor do I believe it’ll be any better — unfortunate, but that’s been my experience in the recent past, though 2009 was definitely better than 2008. I’m hoping the trend will continue.

The reason I have a hard time looking forward to the new year is because for me, it’s fraught with medical appointments: the annual physical and pap smear, which most people go through; eye check-up, again, which a lot of people go through; twice a year dental cleanings, which many people have and that I just started having and as cool as my dentist is, am still dreading; and now that I’ll be 41, another mammogram, which most women have (hopefully) but it’s yet another thing. Then there’s my annual ultrasound to check the size of my uterine fibroid and please, please, please, not another colonoscopy! You’re not even supposed to have one until you’re 50 and I’ve had 2 before I turned 40! I can’t remember if in 2008 the CRS said I wouldn’t need another for 10 years or until 2010.

Either way, I want a CRS closer to home, and since I’ve been having some IBS issues lately, I still have no choice but to see one. Or is it a GI doctor that I need to see? Again, either way, I have to find one or both.

I’ve had problems with my ears since childhood. You know how they test your hearing in grade school? Well, I never quite passed. I was plagued with ear infections and had 3½ pairs of tubes at different times. The ½ pair was a larger tube and was only necessary in one ear. Now that I’m getting older, I swear, my hearing’s starting to go. Brian never seems to have trouble hearing the TV but I do, and this has been going on for a few years now. I clean my ears daily, so it isn’t that. It’s probably time to see my ENT who I’ve known and loved since I became his patient when I was 22, though I first started seeing one at age 13. Funny: the first one TALKED LIKE THIS and my current ENT is soft spoken.

Then there’s this minor eczema-type thing that’s been bothering me and that I’ve already seen the doctor for, but it. Won’t. Go. Away. And I’ve either developed tendonitis in the ankle I sprained badly last spring, or it hasn’t fully healed. Do I see a dermatologist and an orthopedist in my future? I hope not.

I must sound like a complete hypochondriac but the sad thing is, all of this stuff is real and some of it I’ve been blowing off because I’m sick of doctors, so I plod along with these symptoms that make me miserable.

I’ll be continuing my weekly therapy and monthly pdoc appointments, but those have been integrated into my day-to-day life so in my view, skewed though it may be, they “don’t count.”

The one good thing about all this is that we have excellent insurance benefits. Even so, I’d rather not have to use them.

As I suspected, the somewhat striped discoloration you can sort of see here on my leg (click to see a larger picture; well, only if you really want to), and which I first noticed over the summer, is due to the cortisone the doctor injected into my ankle last May. And as with most things, it’ll go away on its own. I wasn’t overly concerned about this except that last week sometime, the area near my ankle bone seemed to turn extremely dry overnight — so dry that there were cuts there that really stung and the skin was peeling off. I’m almost religious about using lotion so this came as a surprise. The cuts have healed but the doctor suggested I apply A+D® (also good for use on new tattoos!) on the area for a few days. All that’s left are a root canal, the dentist appointment after that, and an H1N1 screening. What a pain.

At least for now. My goal was to complete my 15-minute aerobic/pilates DVD workout 3 times last week but I only did it twice. Though I didn’t meet my goal, surprisingly, I’m happy about my progress. I tried, and that’s good enough. Thinking this way is also progress: I’m not beating myself up about not reaching my goal.

Since mid- to late-August, I’ve been pushing myself, driving myself places such as shopping for Brian’s birthday presents and a series of dentist appointments — even unexpected ones. I started therapy again and have been taking the El to get there, and that includes about 20 minutes of walking, round trip.

I still have a few dentist appointments coming up including a root canal, which I’ve never had done before. I’ve been putting off seeing my family doctor about this skin discoloration on my right shin, which begins at the cortisone injection site from when I sprained my ankle last spring. Now, the site stings and it looks like a rash has developed so I can’t put that appointment off any longer. I also have a flu screening coming up as well as my regular pdoc and therapy appointments. And I’m planning to drive myself or take the El on my own to most of these.

On top of that, there was the road trip to Columbus, my blog was hacked this past weekend, and all of the other small stresses that add up to a ton of stress — not all of it bad — I’ve been getting out more socially. Yesterday, for example, I had a really good day. We went to a belated birthday brunch for Brian, and although my sister and brother-in-law couldn’t make it, we had a really good time with my mom.

Today, however, I’m completely overwhelmed. I made myself get out of bed and do my morning chores. I made myself shower and get dressed. But these basic things have been harder and harder to do since we got back from Columbus. The good thing is that I’ve recognized that I’m pushing myself to do more and more things — pushing myself too hard, which is a cycle I’ve been through in the past and always ends up with me falling flat on my face and unable to get out of bed for days or weeks.

The good thing is that I saw this and am cutting back to only 2 of these health appointments a week. Earlier today I thought I had finally fallen and was back at square one yet again, but I’m just having a bad day. Yes, I was on my way back to the beginning but the fact that I’ve seen this and am not going to continue pushing myself is progress. Working out will just have to wait.

See more progress on: lose 25 lbs.