For the past half hour I’ve been on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason. There are really only 2 explanations: PMS or depression. I’m thinking it’s the latter. Well, or maybe the 8″ – 12″ inches of snow we’re expecting! *wah*

I’ve been using EMSAM for 5 days now, which, it turns out, is 1 day longer than I used it in the past. Or if I used it longer, I didn’t see any posts written about it because I ended up having ECT again — and get this — although I was depressed at the time, I was doing TONS better than I’m doing now! I mean, I was still playing hockey! This was almost exactly 3 years ago. I had trouble writing blog posts, so Brian kept readers apprised of what was happening, but besides that, I was doing quite a bit better.

That doesn’t bode well. Part of me wants to go ahead and have ECT so I can feel better NOW. But I’m finally regaining my short-term memory and can actually remember things, like movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read recently; it isn’t like once I’ve seen or read them, I’ve pretty much forgotten what they were about. It’s a huge trade-off.

In other news, I’m still in therapy twice a week. I had my ankle MRI yesterday and the results will be in tomorrow. Part of me hopes they find something wrong so they can actually fix it instead of guessing at treatments. Gah.

So, this is the first post of 2008 and basically it’s to tell you that I will be on hiatus for…oh, I don’t know. Until I get better, anyway. In short (if that’s possible for me), here’s the scoop:

I saw the PCP at the beginning of January and he said that I’m out for the rest of the (hockey) season. Of course that absolutely killed me. Both he and my pdoc agree that I need a change of scenery and climate, so I’ll be spending some time with my family in Las Vegas, which of course I’m anxious about, especially because I still can’t bring myself out of the house on my own, though I think I’ve figured out why. Guess you’ll have to wait and read about that if I blog about it.

Here’s some good news: when I saw my pdoc last week or the week before, he decided to ban ECT as treatment for me!!!! Yay!!! Woohoo!!! How cool is that?! Of course it isn’t necessarily permanent, but so what? It hasn’t been working anyway, and my forgetfulness and concentration are just absolutely A-W-F-U-L. I mean, I forget whether or not I’ve conditioned my hair while I’m in the shower (on the days that I shower, which are increasing).

Other good news: Basil’s pancreatitis of the pancreas, as Brian calls it, is nearly all healed up!!!! The vet called near the end of December and left a voice mail about Basil’s last blood test that I couldn’t really understand, but basically some sort of something that was at 500+ last time is now at 100+, which is awesome, and all the other levels that they tested have either decreased or increased, whichever is the positive result.

Anyway, ’til whenever…

Love and kisses,
Barb

Today I made some progress: I ordered delivery for dinner, which meant actually talking to someone on the phone and having to interact with the delivery guy. I took a shower for the first time since…I don’t know when; a few days at least. So why do I still feel so depressed?

Maybe I feel some guilt for not going to this banquet my mom wanted us to go to tonight (that’s another story in itself)? More likely because I’m not playing in tonight’s game, which starts in about 15 minutes.

Early tomorrow morning Hopper has her second senior check-up of the year and Hee Seop has his weight check. This time, unlike earlier this week when Basil had his ultrasound, I am planning to go with Brian. I’ll blog about everyone’s results then.

I can’t stand this depressive episode any longer. Clearly the ECT isn’t helping. I’ve been putting off making this decision for a very long time, but last night I finally did it, and it was very difficult.

I’m taking a break from hockey, the one activity that keeps me out of depression and focuses my anxiety, in order to have my fibroid removed. Of course, the reason I was even able to start playing hockey again was because the ECT worked. The Seasonique, though it has cut back on my periods, hasn’t improved my depression. I’m convinced it’s some sort of hormonal thing from the fibroid that’s exacerbating this. Anyway, until this thing is gone from my body, we won’t truly know if the ECT is helping. It was before, so it makes sense that it’s this stupid fibroid and that once it’s gone, the ECT will work again.

I’m angry about being so depressed that I’ve been housebound for the last several weeks and it’s a huge chore just getting in the shower. I don’t even know how I managed to hold up in Las Vegas, other than that we were surrounded by family. Here it’s just my sister and her husband, and my mother, all of whom have lives of their own. We get together every so often, but no one stops by every day, even for just a few minutes.

Yesterday, I knew things were really bad when I couldn’t get myself to accompany Brian to drop off and pick up Basil from the vet for his cardiac ultrasound. I didn’t even have to drive, all I had to do was sit in the passenger seat, and the place is literally five blocks away! That’s when I knew.

I’m angry that I have to stop playing hockey, but I know it isn’t forever, and I’m hoping I’ll be back on the ice after the holidays. Other people have had to stop playing for a while, so why should I be any different? Maybe it doesn’t hold as much sway for them. I don’t know.

I do know that I need time to think, to write, to blog. There’s been so much going on and blogging about it has helped in the past. I’ve been keeping too much inside, withdrawing from people. Always having a big smile to both the online world and the world outside my apartment when I manage to venture out. I can’t anymore.