For the past half hour I’ve been on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason. There are really only 2 explanations: PMS or depression. I’m thinking it’s the latter. Well, or maybe the 8″ – 12″ inches of snow we’re expecting! *wah*

I’ve been using EMSAM for 5 days now, which, it turns out, is 1 day longer than I used it in the past. Or if I used it longer, I didn’t see any posts written about it because I ended up having ECT again — and get this — although I was depressed at the time, I was doing TONS better than I’m doing now! I mean, I was still playing hockey! This was almost exactly 3 years ago. I had trouble writing blog posts, so Brian kept readers apprised of what was happening, but besides that, I was doing quite a bit better.

That doesn’t bode well. Part of me wants to go ahead and have ECT so I can feel better NOW. But I’m finally regaining my short-term memory and can actually remember things, like movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read recently; it isn’t like once I’ve seen or read them, I’ve pretty much forgotten what they were about. It’s a huge trade-off.

In other news, I’m still in therapy twice a week. I had my ankle MRI yesterday and the results will be in tomorrow. Part of me hopes they find something wrong so they can actually fix it instead of guessing at treatments. Gah.

I saw the pdoc yesterday. He brought up ECT. This morning I thought fine, let’s do this. I’m sick of feeling the way I do. I don’t want to try yet another med that I’ve already tried only for it to work for a month or so and then stop working. But I’ve been through the list of SSRIs and everything else but the tricyclics and oral MAOIs.

When I went to the bathroom this morning it was with every intention of getting in the shower afterwards but when it came time, I just couldn’t. I’m not even sure I didn’t have the energy so much as I just didn’t have the will. The motivation. And motivation is a HUGE red flag, which is why I was all about ECT this morning.

Brian took me to see my therapist this afternoon, and I changed my mind about the ECT, at least for now. We worked out that the kernel of my day-to-day depression right now and for a while, has been the IBS. So the plan is to see my family doctor and find out if I need to see a gastroenterologist or another colorectal surgeon. My current IBS doc is a CRS in the suburbs. He isn’t in the far suburbs, but I want someone closer to home.

Meanwhile, after the pdoc mentioned ECT yesterday and went through my chart and realized I’d been on all these different types of antidepressants, he suggested EMSAM, which is a patch. I reminded him that I’d tried that already, but I couldn’t remember why it didn’t work. I was ambivalent about it, so he wrote a separate prescription for it (he writes the Rx for all 3 of my meds on 1 sheet of his Rx pad). Like the Abilify, which I was on when it first came out, I was put on EMSAM when it first came out, so like the Abilify last spring, I will probably try EMSAM again.

Although EMSAM is an MAOI, it doesn’t have the dietary restrictions (no chocolate, cheese, wine unless you want to die, for real) that traditional MAOIs do, although according to their medication guide, at a 9mg patch, you can’t eat those foods. I’m starting on 6mg. There’s also a contraindication with using Tegretol, but Tegretol is also contraindicated for birth control pills and that’s never been a problem. So I’m waiting to hear back from him about whether or not I should use it because I will not take any other mood stabilizer other than Tegretol.

Aside from that, there’s the whole logistics of the thing. He said to put it on early in the morning so I’d be able to sleep at night, but wasn’t sure if it’s OK to take it off like, while working out or showering. There was nothing on the web site mentioning it, either. So I’m having obsessive thoughts/anxiety about how to use it: is it OK to take it off for a little while? What if I take it off for more than 2 hours? What if it doesn’t stick back on? Etc.

On the other hand, though I’m using everything in my willpower that I have to write this post, I honestly don’t know if I’ll have it to drive myself to my fitness class tomorrow. Perhaps I need to readjust my goals as far as that goes.

Accept that your hope of being a tenured professor has reached a dead end. Overcome academe’s indoctrination process, which tells you that leaving academe means failure. There are other rewarding things you can do with your life, and you’ve got to get started somewhere. Don’t rush into another graduate program or law school. Let go of your desire for prestigious affiliations. Find a job and let the status come later. Better yet, start thinking like a free agent or an entrepreneur, since you can’t rely on any employer to survive long or to care about your prospects.

This paragraph is from the article, Dodging the Anvil in The Chronicle of Higher Education online, which basically states that humanities ABDs’ and PhDs’ (I’m assuming creative writing MFAs, since they would be applying to English departments are included) job prospects are even worse than before.

It was already bad when I graduated in 2002 and I was lucky to get the on-campus interview that I did. I think being a woman and an ethnic-American had a lot to do with it, but as the article says (and you don’t have to read it with regard to this post), I already had published work in an anthology, as well as a top-tier journal at that time so I had those going for me as well.

All this is a preface to the issue I’m dealing with right now. Some of you may or may not have noticed my sudden disappearance online, both from your blogs and on Twitter. I was blindsided Monday night by a severe depressive episode — more severe than the usual depression that’s always there, the one I struggle with day-to-day and from which I was improving. Monday night was different in that for the first time in 5 years, I had suicidal thoughts. I even considered writing a suicide note on my blog and set it to post in several days. How utterly egotistical, but in my mind, I felt it would bring closure to my blog. Um, yeah.

These were idle threats made to my husband, but the thoughts were real. My suicide attempts in the past consisted of swallowing a whole bunch of pills, except the first time, when I threatened to jump out of a second-story window. Lame. Like that would actually kill me.

Anyway, what always happens is that the ambulance comes to take me to the E.R. where I’m forced to drink activated charcoal. If you’ve ever had that experience, then you know it’s one of the most vile things you can ever consume. EVER. Silly as it may seem, that experience is what’s kept me from ODing these past 5 years, although whenever I’ve been hit with these depressive episodes, I honestly haven’t felt suicidal since 2005. I also felt like cutting, which I haven’t done in years, but as with swallowing pills, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But oh, I wanted to badly.

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I’ve wanted to write a post about this topic forever. In fact, during my slightly grandiose moments of depression — not even hypomania — I’ve entertained thoughts of returning for a PhD in Film and writing a dissertation on this topic. But now, there’s no need because Cracked.com has done it for me!

This article shouldn’t be taken too seriously but not with just a grain of salt, either — and particularly the 300+ comments (no, I haven’t read them all and don’t recommend that you do). For example:

• The movie referred to in #1 is, in fact, spelled “memento” (see Memento). If you haven’t seen the movie, and you definitely should, you may not want to read the link because of spoilers.
• ECT is most definitely not painful nor is continuous ECT necessary to remain healthy. The most painful thing about ECT is if your nurse can’t get an IV line in on the first try and you end up with a blown vein. Or two.
• ECT can cause memory loss, both long- and short-term, both anterograde and retrograde amnesia. Maybe that’s redundant. Personally, my retrograde amnesia hasn’t improved much, but my anterograde, which is nowhere nearly as bad as the dude’s in Memento, is still iffy. This explains why I often can’t remember online or offline conversations I may have already had with you — it’s not that I don”t care enough to pay attention — it’s just that, well, I sometimes have trouble creating new memories.

I’m sure there are other inconsistencies and some incorrect information, but come on — this is Cracked.com and the article is supposed to fun, though it does touch on a very serious subject. So, here it is:

Lately I’ve had trouble doing just that — more so in creative and analytical writing (say, a book review). In my blog posts, it doesn’t matter because I can write whatever the fuck I want and if it doesn’t match the context of the post’s title, or digresses, or doesn’t make any sense at all, who cares? Plus I tend to write the way I talk, swear words and all. I may not have the audience I used to, but a few people still come by and read, even if they don’t leave comments (like Brian). And if they revisit my blog, then I know they don’t care if I make sense or not. As long as the grammar’s decent.

I’m certain this is directly correlated with the depression. The new med the pdoc added to my cocktail a couple months back has run its course. Too bad, really, because it was working like you wouldn’t believe. But in the past 2 weeks, my particular set of symptoms began recurring so a week ago he upped the dose. When he first put me on it, it worked immediately. It’s been a week now and if anything, I’m getting worse. Because this is just an adjunct to my current antidepressant, it shouldn’t take like, 6 weeks or whatever, to start working, especially since I’ve already been taking it.

What’s my point? Oh, yeah. One of my symptoms is the inability to put phrases, let alone sentences, let alone paragraphs together. Sometimes it enters my verbal communication, even. Yesterday, Brian and I had the most stupid argument because of a lack of communication and comprehension on my part about what he wanted me to write on the frickin’ Walgreens list. It’s incredibly frustrating. And, of course, part of me wonders how much of this also has to do with the ECT.

Oops. I haven’t taken my meds yet this morning. Better go do that. Heh.