My pdoc decided to keep me on Pristiq because I’m doing so well on 50 mg. No more horrible side effects. I’m completely off trazodone and Klonopin, so now I only take Pristiq and Tegretol for the bipolar. It’s been OK, but I have to admit that sometimes it’s really, really hard to fall asleep and sleep well. I’m hoping that in time this will improve. At least I’m no longer tired constantly and in need of naps even if I slept 10 hours the night before.

Amazingly, showering is no longer something I struggle with every day. Even when I don’t feel like doing it, I’m able to without having to force myself and put every ounce of energy I have into making myself do it. It’s nice to have that be “normal.”

I still struggle with leaving the house, though, probably because I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m working on it.

• Pristiq Side Effects: Apparently I was supposed to up my dose to 100 mg after 2 weeks, which I didn’t realize until my pdoc told me. I did, which was a mistake. I went through the side effects all over again and this time they didn’t go away. He said to go back down to 50 mg. The weakness left, but I was still tired and my mood was worse.
• Allergies: I hear they’re really bad this year for everyone. I am now on a 10-day course of prednisone, that’s how bad they are. Brian came home one day and thought someone punched me because one of my eyes was nearly swollen shut! This better help.
• Inexplicable Rashes: And these have nothing to do with my allergies. None of my prescription creams (I’ve had mild eczema in the past) or OTC ointments are helping. Hopefully the prednisone will take care of this, too, but if not, it’s off to a dermatologist for me. This is getting ridiculous; I have a different doctor for different parts of my body. (Ironically, Hopper recently had a similar steroid injection for her allergies!)

Needless to say, I have not been the easiest person to be around and I haven’t wanted to whine about all of this on my blog. Admittedly, as many of you know, I’ve withdrawn from friends and family. I just want all of this to be over with so I can go on with my life.

To combat my impatience and annoyance, I have been reading tons of Star Wars books and losing myself in that universe. I’ve also been watching Law & Order (original, SVU, and Criminal Intent) DVDs. In addition, my mother-in-law has been sending me cards at least once a week to cheer me up. As efficient as e-mail is, it’s really nice to receive something tangible.

I am now, with my pdoc’s approval and supervision, being slowly weaned off all of my psych meds. If I thrived while not on any meds during my senior year of college, well, hopefully I will thrive again, on meds or off. I am no longer on trazodone, a sleep aid I’ve relied on for years. Although I’m not sleeping as soundly, having Angelo snuggle next to me like a stuffed animal helps.

Although, living in Chicago, the road is full of potholes, rather than bumps. Things are looking up, although my therapist has emphasized the need to be careful and progress at a reasonable pace. Regular readers know that I have a pattern of taking on more than I can handle once I start feeling a tad bit better. Now I’m feeling a lot better so as you can imagine I want to do this, and do that, and do everything!

Saturday started off well. I finally showered and washed my hair, which, after nearly a month, felt really, really good! Especially washing my hair, which was beginning to smell stale. Yeah. Brian suggested going out to someplace other than a doctor’s or therapist’s appointment, so we went to see Shutter Island.

Though I haven’t strictly observed the Lenten fast of having 2 smaller meals and only one full meal except on Sundays, I did give up chocolate. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the theater I completely forgot and ate Junior Mints and peanut M&Ms. On the other hand, abstinence is not observed on Sundays (Feast Days or, as I call them, “cheat” days) and I figured that since I hadn’t used any of my cheat days, I’d be forgiven.

Because I read Shutter Island over a year ago, I knew what to expect from the psychological thriller. Brian had also read it, but we really enjoyed the movie. However, I forgot the very ending and without giving anything away, let’s just say that it was intensely personal. So much so that it triggered a panic attack. I was immobilized, I felt dizzy, nauseous, and started hyperventilating. I became very paranoid with regard to the movie’s ending. Thankfully, this happened at the end, so I wasn’t embarrassed that people could see; they were already leaving. I felt sick all the way home.

In a way, I’m glad this happened. It was a sign that I’m not completely better and that I do have to take it easy. I’ve only been feeling fairly well for about a week and the past few days have been stressful, with Brian out of town. I’m glad to say that I’ve managed on my own, taking care of myself and the cats. And believe me, their diets and meds are pretty complicated and would confuse anyone. I’ve relearned how to make coffee and how to run the dishwasher. I’ve at least left the apartment proper to get the mail. All in all, things are pretty good. I have had the urge to do this and that and everything, and curbing my impulses hasn’t been easy.

My last pdoc appointment was 2 weeks ago. Thankfully, he didn’t mention ECT; instead, he put me on Pristiq, which he described as something like a purer form of Effexor though I’m not entirely sure what he meant. Effexor has worked really well for me in the past, so we decided to give this a try. Because I’d been feeling tired a lot, he decreased my nightly dose of Klonopin from 2mg. to 1mg.

Pristiq’s side effects, according to their site, include “dizziness, sweating, constipation, and decreased appetite.” I experienced all but the sweating. I also had others: nausea, extreme fatigue, dehydration, weakness (but that could be from the dehydration); I saw stars; I felt faint. I could barely get out of bed, and one day I didn’t get out of bed at all except to grab something to eat from the fridge and go to the bathroom. I felt awful. The pdoc told me to stick it out. So I did.

Yesterday was the first day I felt better. Today I feel even better. With some experimentation, I discovered that drinking coffee, especially in the afternoon, makes me see stars and feel faint. So no more afternoon lattes.

It’s been over 3 weeks since I’ve showered, which is a record for me. Good think I didn’t experience the sweating side effect. Haha! But I wash a bit in the tub every day and although I wore the same jammies for a week, at least I had clean underwear every day. Now I’m actually using face wipes and putting on my contacts, so that’s something. I’m determined to wash my hair and shower this weekend. (I only ever wash my hair once a week because it’s dry and curly, but I condition it every day.)

It helps that I’ve lost 8 lbs. in the past month, which means that I can actually wear stuff besides yoga pants, sweats, and pajamas because they have elastic waistbands. Of course, I did give up chocolate for Lent, we’ve been eating fewer carbs at night, Brian’s been practicing portion control, and we’re down to getting take-out twice a week at most. My appetite’s improved, but I’m trying to stop eating when I feel full.

Brian has work dinners tonight and tomorrow so I’m on my own. I’ll be scooping poop and feeding the cats and giving them their meds, which became his chores several years ago. Although I’d prefer to have Brian’s company, he’ll be out of town 2 nights next week, so this will be something of a dry run.

I’m doing my best not to be cynical and think the Pristiq will run its course. I’m enjoying each good day that I have. This morning I opened the living room blinds for the first time in almost a year.

I stopped using EMSAM last Thursday. As you can see in this picture (click image to enlarge), it leaves a reddish spot in the area where I use it — and I alternate right and left every day. Not only that, the “itchies” (hives/welts) I sometimes get from stress increased tremendously when I started using it. The itching left me utterly miserable.

Going back over my previous EMSAM posts, this was not a problem before. Maybe they’ve changed their adhesive — who knows? I’ll tell you one thing — the adhesive sucks ass. I’m supposed to wear this thing for 24 hours, but the thing only stays on for about 10!

In addition, I became even more tired even though I’ve increased my time in front of the light box! So after 6 days of using EMSAM, I decided to shut it down. There didn’t seem to be any improvement in my mood, other than being cranky and miserable from scratching. Benadryl didn’t always help, and of course, that could have contributed to my loss of energy, although I didn’t start taking Benadryl until about 3 days into the EMSAM.

I took this picture Thursday morning and called my pdoc’s office afterward to let them know that I was discontinuing its use. This past weekend I was still extremely tired but managed to force myself out of bed after napping in order to take Hee Seop to the vet with Brian (Hee Seop’s in perfect health; just needs to lose about 1 lb., which is the equivalent of 10 lbs. in a human). Yesterday I napped for 4 hours but again, managed to get out of bed and force myself to take a shower. I’d already stopped taking the Benadryl, probably Friday. And my itchies are improving.

I’ve been trying to post a book review every Saturday, but I just didn’t have the energy. I even have 2 already written! I’m still suffering from anhedonia, as well.

This coming Thursday I have a pdoc appointment. I don’t know what we’ll try next.