I’ve been avoiding the Internet — Twitter, Facebook except for my Mafia Wars account, my blog, your blogs, even e-mail when possible. It’s a sign of depression for me. But this time I’m determined to continue blogging, no matter how difficult it is. I’m at least getting out of bed, though I haven’t been showering every day, if at all. My hygiene is at a minimum. I mean, by the time I’m done using the bathroom, I’m pooped. Haha. Seriously, I am drained.

This last bout of depression was beginning to improve, especially because I was also finished PMSing. Then an incident occurred on Saturday morning. We were supposed to take Basil to the vet for a tech appointment (not a full exam) at 10:30. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom yet, and by the time I did, we were running late. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but Brian and I began yelling each other, I began feeling extremely anxious — while on the frickin’ toilet — and scratched up my left arm. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was all red and the top blood vessels had burst like they do when I scratch a hive or mosquito bite more than I ought to. It wasn’t my intention to harm myself; it was very much like wringing my hands or working a piece of fabric (like from my shirt hem) between my thumb and forefinger when I’m anxious.

I had already had bad IBS experiences the few days before, and my self-disgust was — is — at an all-time high. I realize this isn’t my fault, that it’s the IBS, but I’m still not convinced because going to the bathroom is something we learn to control at an early age. This incident on Saturday plunged me into yet another depression. I had already seen our family doctor earlier that week, who prescribed something that’s like a preemptive Immodium. I can’t remember what it’s called. I took it for the first time that morning, 15 minutes before eating, as directed. The only real difference was that when I had to go, it wasn’t as incredibly urgent as usual — just that I didn’t have to go early enough to give me time to get ready to leave the apartment.

Anyway, I haven’t even wanted to talk to my therapist on the phone, but I have. I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in about a month. In the meantime I’m supposed to get an MRI for my ankle and some sort of nerve test that will hopefully explain why my left hand suddenly goes numb sometimes. Not numb like I can’t feel it; more like pins and needles, even though I haven’t been sitting on it.

I’m trying not to stress eat, and it’s been tough. But seriously, the last thing I need is to gain even more weight.

I saw the pdoc yesterday. He brought up ECT. This morning I thought fine, let’s do this. I’m sick of feeling the way I do. I don’t want to try yet another med that I’ve already tried only for it to work for a month or so and then stop working. But I’ve been through the list of SSRIs and everything else but the tricyclics and oral MAOIs.

When I went to the bathroom this morning it was with every intention of getting in the shower afterwards but when it came time, I just couldn’t. I’m not even sure I didn’t have the energy so much as I just didn’t have the will. The motivation. And motivation is a HUGE red flag, which is why I was all about ECT this morning.

Brian took me to see my therapist this afternoon, and I changed my mind about the ECT, at least for now. We worked out that the kernel of my day-to-day depression right now and for a while, has been the IBS. So the plan is to see my family doctor and find out if I need to see a gastroenterologist or another colorectal surgeon. My current IBS doc is a CRS in the suburbs. He isn’t in the far suburbs, but I want someone closer to home.

Meanwhile, after the pdoc mentioned ECT yesterday and went through my chart and realized I’d been on all these different types of antidepressants, he suggested EMSAM, which is a patch. I reminded him that I’d tried that already, but I couldn’t remember why it didn’t work. I was ambivalent about it, so he wrote a separate prescription for it (he writes the Rx for all 3 of my meds on 1 sheet of his Rx pad). Like the Abilify, which I was on when it first came out, I was put on EMSAM when it first came out, so like the Abilify last spring, I will probably try EMSAM again.

Although EMSAM is an MAOI, it doesn’t have the dietary restrictions (no chocolate, cheese, wine unless you want to die, for real) that traditional MAOIs do, although according to their medication guide, at a 9mg patch, you can’t eat those foods. I’m starting on 6mg. There’s also a contraindication with using Tegretol, but Tegretol is also contraindicated for birth control pills and that’s never been a problem. So I’m waiting to hear back from him about whether or not I should use it because I will not take any other mood stabilizer other than Tegretol.

Aside from that, there’s the whole logistics of the thing. He said to put it on early in the morning so I’d be able to sleep at night, but wasn’t sure if it’s OK to take it off like, while working out or showering. There was nothing on the web site mentioning it, either. So I’m having obsessive thoughts/anxiety about how to use it: is it OK to take it off for a little while? What if I take it off for more than 2 hours? What if it doesn’t stick back on? Etc.

On the other hand, though I’m using everything in my willpower that I have to write this post, I honestly don’t know if I’ll have it to drive myself to my fitness class tomorrow. Perhaps I need to readjust my goals as far as that goes.

Brian took a long lunch to drive me to the first session of my fitness class last week. Several times during the lecture portion I nearly burst into tears and started hyperventilating, manifestations of panic attacks for me. Luckily, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths prevented them. It was tough, though.

I had a feeling I’d be the youngest one in the class and I was. I also had a feeling I’d be the healthiest and I probably am, since some of the other members are there on doctors’ orders. By no means am I healthy, though. For almost a year all I’ve really done is move from the bed to my desk to the couch sometimes back to bed and almost always back to my desk. This past summer I did pretty well getting out of the house, but that was the exception rather than the norm.

Maybe because it was the first day of class, but it was more lecture than workout. Last week’s topic was balance and how your abs are basically key to having good balance, which I don’t have, really. I know, it’s weird considering I play hockey, but as the instructor said, lots of things can change your gait, like injuries. Goaltending has caused me to have trouble aligning my hips in yoga because even though I used to be able to do the splits on ice, my hips weren’t straight — they faced whatever direction the puck was in.

Anyway, the “workout” portion consisted of the instructor’s aide demonstrating floor/mat abs exercises; then we split into groups and were shown 3 different abs machines and how to use them. That was pretty helpful because any abs work I’ve done in the past was mat work.

So I thought this thing was only once a week. I was wrong. I had no idea we’d have homework, or “labs” as they like to call it. This week, it consists of taking at least one of a list of classes that help build core strength and working out on 3 of the abs machines. There are exercises you can do at home for extra credit, too. Here’s my problem: Brian drove me to that first class last week, and I should be able to drive myself to the gym once a week. But now it turns out I have to be there more often.

Aside from my whole driving issue, there’s the IBS issue because the classes are at times when I haven’t used the bathroom yet, or when I’m not even sure if I’ll need to go that day. Granted, you don’t have to complete the labs the week it’s assigned, but as the instructor said, if you wait until the last week, you’ll have a lot of catching up to do.

If you complete the class, which I assume means attending each session and doing the homework, you get a coupon book of perks and who knows what else. Brian reminded me that I’m not there for discounts nor is this for class credit. I’m trying to lower the unrealistically high expectations I have of myself, but going more than once a week to do the labs isn’t an expectation I’ve set for myself — it’s part of the class. There’s a part of me that wants to take this casually, but there’s also that competitive part of me that wants to complete everything — not even exceed the expectations, just meet them.

Taking this class was supposed to be a good thing, but right now I just feel inadequate. And I hate that the IBS is not something I can control.

Ha! What grind? I pondered this same issue about a month ago. I thrive on routine, even little, teeny routines like getting out of bed, making said bed, using the bathroom, brushing my teeth, unloading the dishwasher while the coffee brews, then having breakfast. I realize that’s incredibly detailed but I need that, especially when I’m really depressed and have to concentrate on one “step” at a time. As it is, I’ve been blowing off those 2 little chores for weeks, maybe months. The rest of the morning is spent on the computer until I get tired of it in the early afternoon when I have lunch and read and probably nap. I may or may not have showered.

Trouble began a few months ago when I returned to the gym and was struggling to find a way to fit it into my schedule, such as it is. Then we went to Iowa in November (still haven’t posted the pics for that trip) and I haven’t worked out since. Part of it was because of a nasty customer service experience over the phone with a front desk clerk, and since then I’ve been trying to convince myself that maybe that gym isn’t right for me after all. Maybe I should just stick with the old one, despite its fewer number of classes at times I’d be willing to attend (on weekdays when everyone else is at work).

This recent trip to Iowa from which we returned yesterday was less stressful than the one in November, and definitely less stressful than our trip to Columbus in September. Don’t get me wrong — a lot of it was good stress, but it was still stress. A major part of it is worrying about whether or not I’ll have used the bathroom (thank you, IBS) and showered before housekeeping arrives. Traveling is stressful as it is, but to have taken 3 road trips within the last 4 months is a lot for me. Prior to that, we hadn’t been on any overnight trips since last Christmas.

Now that we’re home and Brian’s back at work, I feel lost. I have a ton of blog reading to catch up on and when I feel overwhelmed, I tend to withdraw. Although I’ve been using the light box for nearly a week now, I’ve slept horribly for the past few days. Odd, since light therapy is also supposed to help with sleep. Maybe it’s just because we were out of town.

I return to psychotherapy on Wednesday and Brian will be working from home so he can take me — though I’m supposed to do the driving — I’m all freaked out about driving in snow and for some reason, that makes me feel like an idiot.

I suppose the wise thing is to just let myself have a “mental health day” today and chill, but I’m having trouble. I’ve considered taking an extra Klonopin, but I’m holding out. For what, I don’t know. The good thing is that I don’t feel depressed — just out of sorts.

Usually, we travel to Iowa for Christmas to celebrate with Brian’s family. My family that’s still in Chicago celebrates around the New Year because my mom usually travels at this time. Unfortunately, I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to go to Iowa because I was starting to fall into a depression. I decided not to let it stop me, but by then our sitters were booked and I was hesitant to try someone new that we didn’t know at all — I mean, they’d have keys to our place! I personally know the owners of our regular sitters.

I was really disappointed about not seeing Brian’s family. Although we haven’t gone to Iowa consistently because of my depression, we were there last year and the year before, I think. We usually spend Thanksgiving and New Year’s quietly at home, but not Christmas.

So Brian decided to do his best to give me his family’s traditional Christmas and asked me what I liked about it — in terms of food. He said he’d be making ham with mashed sweet potatoes and (fresh, not canned) green bean casserole. I said Christmas cookies like his grandma used to make — the kind with that sort of hardened icing, not frosting from a can — and brownies. Then his jaw dropped when I said deviled eggs. I love deviled eggs even though they’re so bad for you. But I offered to help with the eggs — I mean, how hard can it be to make them? No, I don’t know how to boil an egg, but I could help with the rest of it. I even offered to help with the baking.

Old-timers know Why I Am Not a Domestic Goddess. In fact, I’m a danger to myself in the kitchen. I’ve sliced my thumb wide open slicing a bagel — that doesn’t even involve the oven. And when we got these rubber, dishwasher-safe pot holders, I thought the hole on one end was to slip your thumb through, which I did, and burned myself removing something from the oven.

On Sunday, we got a call from one of the nurses at our vet, who said she could sit for us. Hooray! Fortunately, there were still rooms available at the hotel where we planned to stay. Not a whole lot of room at Mom and Dad’s — Brian’s 2 siblings and their spouses are staying there, and one of the couple’s 2 dogs!

This holiday season has been the first I’ve enjoyed in years. Even when I didn’t think we’d be able to see Brian’s family. He took last week off and we filled out holiday cards and wrapped presents together. In the past I’d done most of that but doing these things together is what made it so much fun. All of our local packages have been dropped off and we have 2 packages to take to the post office that won’t make it to their destinations by Christmas, but oh, well.

Sure, I’m feeling the holiday stress like everyone else, but I did get my shopping done early. All of this has been a lot of progress on my part because in previous years I did all the shopping online. A few years ago I stopped sending cards because it was all too overwhelming and I was just too depressed. Although I’m sure we won’t get everything done that we’d like, I’m doing my best not to worry about it. Maybe I’m finally learning not to be such a perfectionist.

Today, I realized that I must be improving because I actually feel happy. Happy. I felt kind of sad, too, though, because it took me a while to figure out what I was feeling because I hadn’t felt it in so long. And although I’m enjoying the season, no, I’m not wearing cheesy holiday sweaters and going around singing Christmas carols.