Lately I’ve had trouble doing just that — more so in creative and analytical writing (say, a book review). In my blog posts, it doesn’t matter because I can write whatever the fuck I want and if it doesn’t match the context of the post’s title, or digresses, or doesn’t make any sense at all, who cares? Plus I tend to write the way I talk, swear words and all. I may not have the audience I used to, but a few people still come by and read, even if they don’t leave comments (like Brian). And if they revisit my blog, then I know they don’t care if I make sense or not. As long as the grammar’s decent.

I’m certain this is directly correlated with the depression. The new med the pdoc added to my cocktail a couple months back has run its course. Too bad, really, because it was working like you wouldn’t believe. But in the past 2 weeks, my particular set of symptoms began recurring so a week ago he upped the dose. When he first put me on it, it worked immediately. It’s been a week now and if anything, I’m getting worse. Because this is just an adjunct to my current antidepressant, it shouldn’t take like, 6 weeks or whatever, to start working, especially since I’ve already been taking it.

What’s my point? Oh, yeah. One of my symptoms is the inability to put phrases, let alone sentences, let alone paragraphs together. Sometimes it enters my verbal communication, even. Yesterday, Brian and I had the most stupid argument because of a lack of communication and comprehension on my part about what he wanted me to write on the frickin’ Walgreens list. It’s incredibly frustrating. And, of course, part of me wonders how much of this also has to do with the ECT.

Oops. I haven’t taken my meds yet this morning. Better go do that. Heh.

What I thought would make the PAD Challenge easier is that you’re provided with a prompt on which your poem must be based. I figured this would help because I wouldn’t have to come up with subjects of my own, and it did at first.

Now, I’m finding that prompts make writing both easy and hard. I’ve said why it’s easy, but that’s the same exact reason why it’s hard. You sometimes have to write about something you’d never, ever in a million years write a poem about, no matter how you interpret the prompt — and in this case, you’re allowed to do it loosely.

Some days I feel like a dog being given a command; other days I feel like my creativity is being sparked. I don’t know. Either way, it’s like this love/hate thing going on in my brain, but I’m not sure what it’s about: the ease of the prompts; the challenge; the creativity; the writing; or something else that has nothing to do with writing whatsoever.

Several days ago I had a major freak-out/anxiety attack when I realized I was posting my poems on the Internet, something I avoid, not just because I’m afraid of plagiarism, but because some literary magazines consider your work published if it’s posted on a web site. A good friend who’s familiar with this contest and with lit. journals in general convinced me that this situation is OK. For one, I’m posting them in the comments section of a blog related to Writer’s Digest, which he assures me is a reputable lit. mag, and besides, I’m not posting them on my own site or anything like that. What a relief it was to hear, to know that at the end of the contest, I can still submit these works — probably after major revisions, of course!

It’s now Day 7 of the PAD Challenge and I’m 5 for 5, or 5 for 10. So I’ve at least met the low end of my goal and I’m halfway through the high end — a fifth of the way through the entire challenge if I can make it all the way. I got stuck on Day 3′s prompt, but I managed to post it yesterday. I’m stuck on both yesterday’s and today’s prompts, even though they provide two on Tuesdays, it being “Two for Tuesday.” You can do one or the other or both, but I believe only one counts towards the daily challenge.

Being stuck is frustrating since patience is not my strong suit; if anything, impulsiveness is, something I’m still trying to curb. I’m glad I was patient with the third day’s prompt because I came up with something pretty decent. The poems I’ve been writing aren’t too bad, considering you only have a day or few to do them. Well, technically you have a month if you want to post them all on the 30th. No thanks.

(more…)

So. I thought I had put poetry aside when I got my MFA. As soon as I finished defending my thesis, I was done, done, done with poetry. (Oh, except that one from my thesis that I completely revised and submitted last December.) That’s partially why I’ve been transitioning to prose.

Then I came across the Poetic Asides’ April Poem-A-Day Challenge 2009 on the Digi Demons blog.

And to my disbelief, I posted my first poem today. That I wrote last night. That’s part of the rules — the poems have to be written in April 2009, April being National Poetry Month and all. The nice thing about the Challenge is that you don’t have to write a poem to submit every single day for 30 days (unless you want the online badge), as opposed to NaPoWriMo, where I believe you’re required to write and submit a poem every day on the day the prompt is posted. I also like the Challenge because you can write a poem using the first day’s prompt and submit it on, say, the second day if you want. Like I did. Less pressure. More time to spend on Crackbook.

I have decided to take time off from my current work-in-progress essay to attempt writing one poem a day. My goal is to write between 5-10 poems. One thing I’ve learned from my therapist recently is that if you don’t meet a goal but you did work towards it, you can still give yourself credit. OK, and maybe this is an excuse to set that essay aside.

I’m still having a little trouble writing, even blogging, but since the pdoc added another med to my cocktail, I’m feeling better. Still, it’s tough even to just freewrite. Insane, huh?

Weird how it’s easy for me to write blog posts on the computer, but when I write first drafts or sketches of scenes, dialogue, whatever, it’s always been easier and more comforting for me to write on actual paper.

A yellow letter-size legal pad.