i’ve gone from M-F to M-Th at IOP because i have once again signed up for the intro metalsmithing class i started taking in the spring but had to stop because of the hospitalizations. it’s also a way for me to start getting myself places on my own besides just to the therapist and pdoc. i must admit that i almost blew the class off today for the sake of blowing it off–i’m still in somewhat of a withdrawal mode, but i made myself go. yay, me!

i’m having a very hard time writing. every time i finish reading a book i usually write an informal review that i post here and on All Consuming. well, i finished my book a few days ago and have yet to do the writing. i’ve started it, just bullet points and notes and stuff. thing that sucks is that i can’t start reading another book because it’ll make concentrating on the writing worse, and will probably make it hard to remember what i read in the other book. it’s been a real struggle.

Hemingway’s words haunt me: “Well, what is the sense of ruining my head and erasing my memory, which is my capital, and putting me out of business? It was a brilliant cure but we lost the patient…”.

although i have a lot on my mind, i haven’t posted any of it because, just like a few weeks ago, i’m having trouble articulating my thoughts into any sort of coherent order. just writing the review preceding this post took a lot of effort.

anyway, things seem to have gotten worse. i stopped showering again, quit hockey (until the fall), and missed my jewelry class. i agree that i tried to do way too much too quickly. but it just felt so good to want to do things! this past week i haven’t wanted to (and didn’t) do a damn thing.

so, the pdoc is consulting with the shock doc and i may be going in for more treatments tomorrow or later this week.

I have now been to the pdoc, therapist, and our couples counselor, all of who say that I’m so much better. It feels that way, mainly physically. I have tons more energy now, spend less time at home, and sleep a lot less. Emotionally, I’m still kind of blah, but now that I’m getting a life a lot more active, I should start to feel better about myself. Though it’s still there, my anxiety has decreased tremendously and I don’t completely freak out and shut down if something goes wrong. I also have a small degree of my old self-confidence back.

However, I’m saddened now that I realize how much was on Brian’s shoulders. He had to do pretty much everything because I could barely get out of the house. He says he really feels like a weight has been lifted. I imagine so, because now he doesn’t have to work full time and do all the chores and errands. It’s amazing to me how easy it is to run to the bank, pick up prescriptions, buy cat food — when just a few weeks ago I remember wondering how it is that people can do all of those things and not be run down. Well, if you’re depressed, I guess it really is hard to do all that. I’ve been depressed for so long that I’d forgotten how easy those things really are.

I’ve taken a lot of big steps in the past week:

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