Thanks to Rachel and Danalyn at Weblog Design Studios, I found a great web host who helped me fix up my blog: Blogs About. Many thanks to both Lisa and Chris, especially Lisa, for putting up with all of my questions and helping me get this new WP 2.1.2 straightened out. I’m sad that my old template isn’t quite ready for this version yet, and I still have many image and other things to fix, but I’ll deal. Oh, yeah — Lisa designed the one I’m currently using and a whole bunch more available for download at the WordPress site. She’s also a designer at E. Webscapes and is writing the new WordPress for Dummies — she comes highly recommended!
It’s been a tough last week or so: blog problems; Internet problems; PC problems, which is why I now have this new laptop with the built-in webcam. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get to see Hopper’s butt. 
Brian’s been traveling for work since Monday and his flight’s been delayed tonight; he may not be home ’til tomorrow afternoon because of the weather. My pdoc assured me that it’s a good opportunity for me to start regaining my autonomy, except that all sorts of shit happened. On Monday, I was on my way to the gym before my pdoc appointment and got into a fender bender — minor, not a big deal, everyone’s fine. I forced myself to drive to the health club anyway and the pdoc’s office said it was OK if I was late.
Later that night, the living room fuse blew, and I had no idea where the fusebox is located, plus I never go into the basement because I’m a huge scaredy-cat when it comes to basements. All I can think of is Blair Witch. I didn’t think I could, but Brian walked me through it, even though our calls kept getting dropped. I think I managed the strength to do that because I had to feed the cats, and do chores and stuff, and because my blog and Web access were still fucked up, all I wanted to do was sit in the living room and read.
For the most part, I’m fine, but there are all of these little things that keep adding up and turning me into a huge basket case. It is my goal to regain autonomy, but not like this. I’ve jumped into doing all sorts of things in the past when I’ve felt better after an ECT, and I always end up crashing.
I went out to dinner with a friend last night, so that was a very welcome distraction. I hadn’t seen her in a while, and we had a lot of fun. But I should have just gone to bed when I got home. Oh, well.
I’m about to switch hosts, but I’m not sure how long it will take. So if my blog is down for a few days or something, that’s why. But at least it will fucking finally be fixed!
I’m turning comments off of this post so I can backup my database or whatever. However, you should still be able to Contact Me, but if not, bloggocentrics can always reach me by e-mail, since you should have it. 
Thanks for your patience! I’m sure you have more than I do!
So now, not only is my WP fucked up, we didn’t have Internet for like, two days! How nice of Comcast to let their customers know that we need to swap out our old modems for a new one. Did that yesterday only to find out that our CD drive is broken!
Had ECT Monday, that went fine, I suppose. Was supposed to have the butt test yesterday, but there was some misunderstanding and all I got was a regular old butt exam. Now we have to reschedule an entire battery of butt tests that’ll be done in the hospital. Oh, joy.
Still working on last week’s Turtles game post. All of the pictures are on our desktop hard drive of course (oh yeah, I couldn’t stand this shit anymore, so I went out and got a laptop), so we have to download those onto one of the new-fangled stick-type disk thingies, and then re-upload them to this hard drive so I can upload them to Flickr. Argh.
For the past few nights I’ve exhibited disturbing BPD symptoms. These happen late at night: throwing things, picking fights with Brian, making him sleep on the couch, threatening to OD (not commit suicide, of course — just typical BPD attention-seeking behavior). It’s like I’m cracking up. It bothers me because I rarely behave this way anymore. The majority of the time, I don’t even present with enough symptoms to be considered BPD.
I’m thinking there’s a lot to this. For one, I’m due for my next ECT, which I’m having tomorrow, thank God. Brian says I’m like a cell phone now: my bars have obviously been low for the past couple of weeks, so I need to be recharged. :d Then all my other health problems.
And finally, God-damn, motherfucking WP 2.1.x. I’ve grown to dread blogging because any images I include never look the way they’re supposed to, and after hitting “Save and Continue Editing,” my anxiety mounts as I scroll down to look at the preview screen. Yeah, in this version, the preview text link is missing so you have to scroll.
The last straw was when I played two games Friday night, in which both my teams lost. Despite the fact that I had only 15 minutes between games, apparently played well according to my teammates and Brian (especially in my first game), I couldn’t see it. Didn’t believe it. All I could think about was how, in the two total seasons I’ve played, each one five years apart, I’ve won only one game. One! (Not counting the two scrimmages Tigers Orange played against a start-up team during the regular season this past year). I felt like a complete and utter loser — that I should quit playing hockey altogether.
Anyway, you’ll just have to wait for the game post (that I know you just can’t wait for ;), which Brian is going to help me write. I’m hoping to post it tomorrow.
I’ve been avoiding blogs (including my own) and blogging for the past several days, because I was afraid to even look at my blog, and all this craziness has caused me way too much anxiety so I figured I needed a break. Since I no longer drink, smoke, or do drugs, I self-medicated by cheating on my prescribed high-fiber diet — I ate fried foods and even had a candy bar! Ha! I am such a badass, am I not?
For the most part, it seems that my blog’s fixed, the template for sure. I believe people can actually read and leave comments. The private post user level thing is still screwed up, even though I’m now using a 2.1.x-compatible version of that plugin. I’m thinking of deactivating it altogether and using password-protected posts, instead. You’d have to be a registered user who I know, and I’d e-mail you the password once I’ve posted. There might be a few that are for my eyes only, though. Any thoughts on this idea?
My inline uploader vanished into thin air, and I’m not sure which plugin is causing this. Probably that photo album one. Well, off I go to test them out. Oh, joy.
A 2-part post. Part 2 is private. See above.
- The fact that no one on my side of the family — except for my sister — acknowledged our wedding anniversary. I’m not looking for gifts, but a phone call or a card would have been nice.
- When I was approved for disability, I figured it was a good time to shred all of my old job applications to colleges and universities. Then I came across this letter of recommendation
(click thumbnail to read) and it made me even more depressed because I’m no longer capable of writing in the different styles that I taught students, let alone teaching. And based on this professor’s letter, I was a pretty damn good teacher myself. Now I feel as though I wasted time in grad school, not just because I can no longer use what I’ve learned, but especially because I no longer keep in touch with the friends I made for various reasons — mainly envy, though that is where I met Brian.
- What’s written below is not for the squeamish, so if you think you can handle it, click the link.
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Because of my fecal incontinence, which has actually improved recently, I may have to have surgery to tighten my external sphincter.
OK, it’s bad enough that I’m anemic and sometimes lose my balance while I take a shower and nearly fall out of the tub. The anemia has kept me from joining a floor hockey league that starts this week; from playing rat hockey in the mornings; from going to the gym; even from doing mat pilates and working with dumbbells at home. I’ve already signed up for the Spring Mixer that my hockey team sponsors. How the hell long will this anemia and surgery keep me from the physical activities that I enjoy and help keep away the depression? Anyway, I meet with the surgeon on Thursday.
- My inability to finish projects that I start.
- My inability to keep up with my blog reading.
- The rest is discussed in a private post above.
I haven’t been visiting as many blogs as usual because as most of you know, I was in the hospital two weeks ago and last week I had three outpatient ECT treatments. This has been the first week I’ve had to myself and it has NOT been a good one.
I’ve felt irritable, anxious, and easily agitated. Well, it is PMS week, so that could be it. I’ll write more about my physical problems in another post.
Anway, logging onto Bloglines and finding several hundred updated blogs very nearly caused me to have an anxiety attack. Seriously, Bloglines is bad for my mental health. Big time.
So what I’ve decided to do is read five or ten different blogs a day. There are so many great bloggers out there! But it’s hard for me to keep up. I think what I’ll do, too, is visit the people who most recently left comments and those whose links appear on my Dashboard (a WP thing).
Finally, I’ve also been taking time, or rather, it’s been taking me time to revamp my blog. You may have noticed that some of the sidebar headers now have the show/hide feature. This, of course, means that I can add even more crap to my sidebars! :d Big thanks to Danalyn at Weblog Design Studios for implementing this for me. (y)
Meanwhile, and I’m not sure how, I discovered this great new site called MyBlogLog — take a look at the widgets in my sidebar. It’s cool to see who’s visited, but it’s also cool to see what your outgoing links are. Someone clicked on that picture of Brian! Anyway, go sign up. Now! And be sure to join my community. Just click the button! 
There’s more blog goodies I’d like to share, but I promised to write that physical health post, and I need to leave
I also finally got around to creating my Goodies For You! page that contains banners and buttons that again, Danalyn made for me. The best part? You can hotlink to them and I’ve provided the tags and everything! Have fun!
After a month (at least) of not going to the gym, I finally went back today. Brian has been working out a few days out of the week, or at least playing basketball. I’m still playing hockey and have gone to public skate a few times with some of my teammates.
The depression has made doing anything really tough, so I’m glad that I finally went. We didn’t go first thing in the morning, which is my preference, but at least I did it.
I just did a 30-minute cardio work-out and some stretching instead of 20 minutes of cardio, lifting, and stretching, which is what we usually do on Sundays. I figure it was enough that I actually went.
See more progress on: Lose 20 pounds
Still depressed.
Brian almost literally has to drag me out the door, even to go to hockey practice and games. Feel overwhelmed in general. Sleep schedule still sucks shit. (Lame attempt at alliteration–my creativity sure is flowing. Pfft.)
Went to Target today; they had the SW LEGO sets I wanted! Made a deal with Brian–bought all three I’ve waited so long for, but can only open the extremely cool LEGO Star Destroyer that counts as a combo belated birthday/Christmas present, so we can return the other two (B-wing, which I swear is going to be retired soon, and Imperial Landing Craft) in case we need the money. Also means I have to get off my butt and sell the unopened, non-SW LEGO sets I’ve been meaning to list on e(vil)-Bay. All retired, though, so I should make a profit. When I make the money back, then I get to open them.
Been meaning to upload holiday and scrimmage pics. Trying to create and maintain a hockey blog here. Trying to fix old, old blog posts nobody reads except for the few SW fans that visit the bloggo and to get rid of the lame Amazon Associates links. Plus, I can track my moods and stuff in the archives.
Been meaning to do a lot of things like respond to comments and visit your blogs, but haven’t. Guess that’s why I feel so overwhelmed. Like Charred said in a recent comment, “Inhale. Exhale. Repeat as necessary.” And place one foot in front of the other. Thanks for sticking by me through this rough period.
notice any? you are now viewing my brand new custom theme, which i LOVE LOVE LOVE! a big thank you and round of applause goes out to Weblog Design Studios, and especially to Danalyn!!!
hmm…maybe i should change my Gravatar.
by Bill Slavicsek
i?ve never played a pencil and paper roleplaying game (RPG)?just ones for Xbox. in 4th or 5th grade, Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) became popular among my guy friends and i wanted to play, too. unfortunately, it involved too much math, in my opinion, so that was the end of RPGs for me.
that was like, 28 years ago. since then, Wizards of the Coast, the same company that produces D&D, developed the Star Wars Roleplaying Game. i never made efforts to look for people who play this, and i?m still intimidated by the math (what can i say? i can?t add as quickly in my head as most people and i have to count on my fingers). however, Brian recently came across someone looking to start a Star Wars RPG group, so we signed up. i don?t think Brian?s as interested as i am, but he says he?ll give it a shot.
anyway, this book explains the rules and how to create your character and stuff. we missed the first meeting, which was this past Saturday because Brian?s folks were visiting, but the guy said that they?d mainly just be creating their characters. well, i am VERY excited about this.
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