Although, living in Chicago, the road is full of potholes, rather than bumps. Things are looking up, although my therapist has emphasized the need to be careful and progress at a reasonable pace. Regular readers know that I have a pattern of taking on more than I can handle once I start feeling a tad bit better. Now I’m feeling a lot better so as you can imagine I want to do this, and do that, and do everything!

Saturday started off well. I finally showered and washed my hair, which, after nearly a month, felt really, really good! Especially washing my hair, which was beginning to smell stale. Yeah. Brian suggested going out to someplace other than a doctor’s or therapist’s appointment, so we went to see Shutter Island.

Though I haven’t strictly observed the Lenten fast of having 2 smaller meals and only one full meal except on Sundays, I did give up chocolate. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the theater I completely forgot and ate Junior Mints and peanut M&Ms. On the other hand, abstinence is not observed on Sundays (Feast Days or, as I call them, “cheat” days) and I figured that since I hadn’t used any of my cheat days, I’d be forgiven.

Because I read Shutter Island over a year ago, I knew what to expect from the psychological thriller. Brian had also read it, but we really enjoyed the movie. However, I forgot the very ending and without giving anything away, let’s just say that it was intensely personal. So much so that it triggered a panic attack. I was immobilized, I felt dizzy, nauseous, and started hyperventilating. I became very paranoid with regard to the movie’s ending. Thankfully, this happened at the end, so I wasn’t embarrassed that people could see; they were already leaving. I felt sick all the way home.

In a way, I’m glad this happened. It was a sign that I’m not completely better and that I do have to take it easy. I’ve only been feeling fairly well for about a week and the past few days have been stressful, with Brian out of town. I’m glad to say that I’ve managed on my own, taking care of myself and the cats. And believe me, their diets and meds are pretty complicated and would confuse anyone. I’ve relearned how to make coffee and how to run the dishwasher. I’ve at least left the apartment proper to get the mail. All in all, things are pretty good. I have had the urge to do this and that and everything, and curbing my impulses hasn’t been easy.

My last pdoc appointment was 2 weeks ago. Thankfully, he didn’t mention ECT; instead, he put me on Pristiq, which he described as something like a purer form of Effexor though I’m not entirely sure what he meant. Effexor has worked really well for me in the past, so we decided to give this a try. Because I’d been feeling tired a lot, he decreased my nightly dose of Klonopin from 2mg. to 1mg.

Pristiq’s side effects, according to their site, include “dizziness, sweating, constipation, and decreased appetite.” I experienced all but the sweating. I also had others: nausea, extreme fatigue, dehydration, weakness (but that could be from the dehydration); I saw stars; I felt faint. I could barely get out of bed, and one day I didn’t get out of bed at all except to grab something to eat from the fridge and go to the bathroom. I felt awful. The pdoc told me to stick it out. So I did.

Yesterday was the first day I felt better. Today I feel even better. With some experimentation, I discovered that drinking coffee, especially in the afternoon, makes me see stars and feel faint. So no more afternoon lattes.

It’s been over 3 weeks since I’ve showered, which is a record for me. Good think I didn’t experience the sweating side effect. Haha! But I wash a bit in the tub every day and although I wore the same jammies for a week, at least I had clean underwear every day. Now I’m actually using face wipes and putting on my contacts, so that’s something. I’m determined to wash my hair and shower this weekend. (I only ever wash my hair once a week because it’s dry and curly, but I condition it every day.)

It helps that I’ve lost 8 lbs. in the past month, which means that I can actually wear stuff besides yoga pants, sweats, and pajamas because they have elastic waistbands. Of course, I did give up chocolate for Lent, we’ve been eating fewer carbs at night, Brian’s been practicing portion control, and we’re down to getting take-out twice a week at most. My appetite’s improved, but I’m trying to stop eating when I feel full.

Brian has work dinners tonight and tomorrow so I’m on my own. I’ll be scooping poop and feeding the cats and giving them their meds, which became his chores several years ago. Although I’d prefer to have Brian’s company, he’ll be out of town 2 nights next week, so this will be something of a dry run.

I’m doing my best not to be cynical and think the Pristiq will run its course. I’m enjoying each good day that I have. This morning I opened the living room blinds for the first time in almost a year.

I stopped using EMSAM last Thursday. As you can see in this picture (click image to enlarge), it leaves a reddish spot in the area where I use it — and I alternate right and left every day. Not only that, the “itchies” (hives/welts) I sometimes get from stress increased tremendously when I started using it. The itching left me utterly miserable.

Going back over my previous EMSAM posts, this was not a problem before. Maybe they’ve changed their adhesive — who knows? I’ll tell you one thing — the adhesive sucks ass. I’m supposed to wear this thing for 24 hours, but the thing only stays on for about 10!

In addition, I became even more tired even though I’ve increased my time in front of the light box! So after 6 days of using EMSAM, I decided to shut it down. There didn’t seem to be any improvement in my mood, other than being cranky and miserable from scratching. Benadryl didn’t always help, and of course, that could have contributed to my loss of energy, although I didn’t start taking Benadryl until about 3 days into the EMSAM.

I took this picture Thursday morning and called my pdoc’s office afterward to let them know that I was discontinuing its use. This past weekend I was still extremely tired but managed to force myself out of bed after napping in order to take Hee Seop to the vet with Brian (Hee Seop’s in perfect health; just needs to lose about 1 lb., which is the equivalent of 10 lbs. in a human). Yesterday I napped for 4 hours but again, managed to get out of bed and force myself to take a shower. I’d already stopped taking the Benadryl, probably Friday. And my itchies are improving.

I’ve been trying to post a book review every Saturday, but I just didn’t have the energy. I even have 2 already written! I’m still suffering from anhedonia, as well.

This coming Thursday I have a pdoc appointment. I don’t know what we’ll try next.

For the past half hour I’ve been on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason. There are really only 2 explanations: PMS or depression. I’m thinking it’s the latter. Well, or maybe the 8″ – 12″ inches of snow we’re expecting! *wah*

I’ve been using EMSAM for 5 days now, which, it turns out, is 1 day longer than I used it in the past. Or if I used it longer, I didn’t see any posts written about it because I ended up having ECT again — and get this — although I was depressed at the time, I was doing TONS better than I’m doing now! I mean, I was still playing hockey! This was almost exactly 3 years ago. I had trouble writing blog posts, so Brian kept readers apprised of what was happening, but besides that, I was doing quite a bit better.

That doesn’t bode well. Part of me wants to go ahead and have ECT so I can feel better NOW. But I’m finally regaining my short-term memory and can actually remember things, like movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read recently; it isn’t like once I’ve seen or read them, I’ve pretty much forgotten what they were about. It’s a huge trade-off.

In other news, I’m still in therapy twice a week. I had my ankle MRI yesterday and the results will be in tomorrow. Part of me hopes they find something wrong so they can actually fix it instead of guessing at treatments. Gah.

I’ve been avoiding the Internet — Twitter, Facebook except for my Mafia Wars account, my blog, your blogs, even e-mail when possible. It’s a sign of depression for me. But this time I’m determined to continue blogging, no matter how difficult it is. I’m at least getting out of bed, though I haven’t been showering every day, if at all. My hygiene is at a minimum. I mean, by the time I’m done using the bathroom, I’m pooped. Haha. Seriously, I am drained.

This last bout of depression was beginning to improve, especially because I was also finished PMSing. Then an incident occurred on Saturday morning. We were supposed to take Basil to the vet for a tech appointment (not a full exam) at 10:30. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom yet, and by the time I did, we were running late. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but Brian and I began yelling each other, I began feeling extremely anxious — while on the frickin’ toilet — and scratched up my left arm. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was all red and the top blood vessels had burst like they do when I scratch a hive or mosquito bite more than I ought to. It wasn’t my intention to harm myself; it was very much like wringing my hands or working a piece of fabric (like from my shirt hem) between my thumb and forefinger when I’m anxious.

I had already had bad IBS experiences the few days before, and my self-disgust was — is — at an all-time high. I realize this isn’t my fault, that it’s the IBS, but I’m still not convinced because going to the bathroom is something we learn to control at an early age. This incident on Saturday plunged me into yet another depression. I had already seen our family doctor earlier that week, who prescribed something that’s like a preemptive Immodium. I can’t remember what it’s called. I took it for the first time that morning, 15 minutes before eating, as directed. The only real difference was that when I had to go, it wasn’t as incredibly urgent as usual — just that I didn’t have to go early enough to give me time to get ready to leave the apartment.

Anyway, I haven’t even wanted to talk to my therapist on the phone, but I have. I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in about a month. In the meantime I’m supposed to get an MRI for my ankle and some sort of nerve test that will hopefully explain why my left hand suddenly goes numb sometimes. Not numb like I can’t feel it; more like pins and needles, even though I haven’t been sitting on it.

I’m trying not to stress eat, and it’s been tough. But seriously, the last thing I need is to gain even more weight.