One of the things that’s most important to people with mood disorders is routine. That’s why our psychiatrists and therapists stress going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. I’m a definite proponent of routine; so much so, that when I get derailed like I did today, I sometimes end up giving up and just spending the rest of the day in bed. I had done well for weeks, allowing myself to get back on track, but not today. Back to that in a moment.
As some of you know, I had a sinus infection about a month ago that seemed not to heal. I was tired all the time; all I did was read and sleep. I saw the PCP shortly before my last pdoc appointment, and as he’s told me time and again whenever I’ve seen him due to lack of energy, he said it was from stress and tension. It had been just over a week since the Puck Cancer Cup and I was the one who organized my team and was trying as fast as I could to upload the pictures, which of course, for me, didn’t happen fast enough. I still have three game posts to write (not that anybody cares, but for my own sense of peace). Anyway, the Monday after the tournament weekend I had ECT, and at least this time, it didn’t take me two days to recover from the anesthesia. According to the bloodwork they did when I had the ECT, my anemia is fine.
Still, I was left without energy, but it continued to the following week, and I know it isn’t from the ECT. The week before, I believe I started taking Tegretol again, which I hadn’t taken in months. It’s an anti-convulsant, after all, but because of my quick shifts in moods — even within 15 minutes — my pdoc, Brian, and I felt it was necessary. I just don’t take it the day before I have ECT.
But what was/is this moodiness from? My fibroid? I’ve taken Yasmin for at least three full cycles now, and though it has stemmed my PMS symptoms, my luck’s run out: last month, I had my period twice. I suppose that much blood loss could cause a person to lose energy but mine aren’t that heavy, and that’s just it. I never know what the hell’s wrong with me. For example, is my stomachache due to gas, or are they cramps?
Am I tired because I’m so stressed, or could it be the Tegretol? We just got the pdoc’s blessing today to take all the Tegretol at night instead of one in the morning and two at night. Because of this, I’m to stop taking trazodone. Since mid-summer I’ve only been taking 100 mg. of trazodone, but for the past few weeks, I end up sleeping for nearly 12 hours no matter what time I take it! I try to take it at the same time at night — earlier and earlier these last couple of nights, but if I take it at 10:00 p.m., I still wake up at nearly 10:00 a.m.!
So . . . is this lack of energy due to stress, or because of the change in medication? I took the PCP’s advice and started working out again, so it’s been a week that I’ve been back into my workout routine. And yet, when I’m about to climb off the stationary bike, I feel really sleepy! WTF? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Is it because of the Tegretol that I take in the morning?
Today I was supposed to take Hee Seop to the vet for a weight check. We’ve done it before, it’s pretty much an in-and-out routine and the vet’s a five-minute drive away. I’ve taken him on my own in the past, but today he gave me trouble. I spent 15 minutes literally chasing him all over the apartment, which isn’t so much large, as it is really long and just couldn’t catch him. I was so frustrated that I was in tears, called the vet, and rescheduled for Saturday, when I’ll have “back-up” in the form of Brian. The lady I spoke with was very understanding and was trying to make me feel better.
I decided that I’d do pilates (it’s pilates day) with the hopes that the stretching and breathing would calm me down. I turned the TV on, and all I saw was one vertical line all the way across the screen. This started happening recently. Usually it goes away after a minute, but I waited at least ten. I called Brian, who suggested jiggling the VCR cord, and that worked, but by then I was done.
The day was over. I’m surprised I’m even writing this post. I spent the rest of the day in bed, reading and sleeping. I only got up because the upstairs neighbor happened to knock on my door and we chatted for a while. I’m just fucking sick of all this. I just want to know what’s going on with me. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
My PCP finally called late yesterday afternoon with good news — nothing’s torn, just some inflammation, possibly tendonitis. He said “activity as tolerated” is OK, but if the pain’s too much I have to back off. That’s the good news.
Meanwhile, I had my first pdoc appointment in possibly over a month, earlier in the afternoon, because they moved to a new building. After taking my usual morning dose of Klonopin and an Ativan because I hadn’t received the MRI results yet, I was still shaking, nauseous, and in tears the entire drive there (even though Brian and I did a dry run on Sunday), and all the way into his office. Even if my knee was totally fine, I would have been anxious anyway, having to go to a new place and because I was supposed to start goalie camp last night, but not that bad.
The bad news is, my knee still tingles and sometimes the pain still shoots from my knee to my ankle when I stand or walk. It isn’t excruciating, but I experience discomfort when I walk. So there was no way in hell that I could have gone to goalie camp last night, doing all sorts of weird knee things that goalies do for two hours, and for three nights in a row? I had to drop out, and this has really depressed me. At least my regular goalie coach on the JIL understood and advised me to rest it and is giving me a full refund for the camp.
I’m going to try out my new knee brace at rat hockey this Saturday, where if I decide to get off the ice after ten minutes, everything will be fine. Anyway, goalies play free, and it isn’t like a game situation. Then I’ll take a week off, but maybe go to noon skate next Wednesday to skate with my pads on and definitely to the JIL on the 20th. Fortunately, it’s every other Friday, which means I’ll probably play rat every other Saturday.
I don’t have a game again ’til the 23rd, when I’ll be subbing for another team, and then another game on the 26th with my own team. I should be going to the gym every other day but using the stationary bike (which I’m getting used to, though it’s hell on my ass) instead of the treadmill and doing my goalie stretches that I always do afterwards, and then doing pilates on the days I don’t go to the gym, along with my goalie stretches. Plenty of stretching, the PCP said.
Of course there’s a caveat: if the pain hasn’t cleared by the time I finish my knock-me-off-my-ass anti-inflammatory that I only take at night, then the next step is physical therapy. Still, it’s better than surgery.
Today should be a pilates day, but I’m still recovering from the anxiety and trauma of yesterday, so I’m just staying home and trying to visit blogs I haven’t visited in a while and play Xbox. Originally, I had planned on doing my pilates, going about my regular day and then some retail therapy, but I didn’t get up until after noon, partially because of the anti-inflammatory and probably because I only got four hours sleep the night before because I was a total basket case about the MRI results. Anyway, it’s just started thundering, so I definitely don’t want to be outside.
Hey, that’s how the doctor described it, OK? I knew it had nothing to do with the bones. The radiology tech even let me take a look at the X-rays, which was cool. Though I’m no expert, I knew it had nothing to do with my knees. However, I have to get an MRI to find out if it’s cartilage or ligament damage.
Brian, who apparently knows about these things, though whenever I ask him something health-related he always retorts, “I don’t know; I’m not a doctor,” had plenty to say today, chit-chatting with the PCP about something called a meniscus, which to me, sounds like some sort of cookie.
Anyway, for now basically what I need to work on is pain management, which means Flex-All, Extra-Strength Tylenol, and whatever anti-inflammatory it was the doc prescribed weeks ago but that I stopped taking because it knocks me out. So now I’m only supposed to take it at night.
The PCP doesn’t think it’s anything too serious and that if I do need surgery, it would be on an outpatient basis that would only keep me off the ice for a month. He suggested getting a knee brace to use during games; right now I use a sleeve but it isn’t enough. I can probably be back on the ice this weekend, and if the Turtles (my spring and now summer team) were short on skaters tonight, I could probably do that, but he recommends resting it.
The 3-day goalie camp (for grown-ups!) starts next Monday, and I definitely don’t want to miss that. By then we’d know if I need surgery, and if so, I’ll probably have it done after the camp so I’ll be ready for the Puck Cancer Cup in August.
While I was seeing my doctor, Basil was at the vet having a dental and did just fine. He was sent home with a morphine patch (see Friday Cat Blogging No. 7: Teletubbies to see Hee Seop wearing one) stuck to his side because they did four extractions and something about digging out a root.
Why couldn’t my doctor send me home with morphine patches?!
I can no longer blow off my knee injury. I’m having it X-rayed this weekend, which means I can’t play rat hockey with friends tomorrow or in my game on Monday. Well, maybe I could because I see the PCP Monday afternoon, but I’ve already asked someone to sub for me. I, of course, am convinced that I may never play again.
In any case, here’s something I’ve never done before — posted a video. This was taken with Brian’s camera phone through a glass window from the bar above the rink. Though this is supposed to be an instructional league, all levels are welcome, and the majority of the white team’s players have stronger skating, shooting, and puck handling skills. Some have (to me) obviously play(ed) together.
I’m on the black team, jersey #1, of course! Be sure to turn the volume up a tad for the soundtrack. Heehee. I think it was coming from the bar, but somehow the song, R.E.M.’s “The One I Love” seems appropriate, mainly the second chorus. The play I make comes really quickly in the beginning of the video. The huge (to me), white player takes a shot on me. It’s a scrimmage, so there’s no stoppage in play. Did I mention this is a co-rec league?
See? This isn’t turning into just a hockey blog! Heehee. In this post, I’m going to discuss my butt problems and the fibroid. So if you gross out easily, go away and come back when I post my next hockey post, probably tomorrow.
I’m exhausted, possibly from dehydration. Saw the PCP and it isn’t the anemia. He doesn’t think I’m getting enough carbs, considering my activity level, so for a week I get to eat one Pop-Tart a day and white rice and pasta! Yay! He also said that stress and tension can add to my exhaustion. He put me on a new Pill called Yasmin that supposedly has fewer PMS side effects, so hopefully that’ll take care of my fibroid worries.
I passed my butt tests with flying colors (heehee). The problem is a loose involuntary sphincter muscle that neither surgery nor physical therapy can cure. One option, which I’m going in for on Tuesday, is to inject (and it better be with a syringe, not a needle) some medication up my butt that’ll create some scar tissue to make the muscle tighter. Don’t ask me how. I just want the fucking thing fixed already.
I’m also playing hockey once or twice a week now, and Brian and I have started a weekly Creative Writing/Beginning Fiction class. Who knew writing would take up so much of my time? The downside is that all of these things are on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, all in a pretty little exhausting row.
Regardless, I’ve just felt very withdrawn lately and once again, may have to take a short break from the blog world for a bit. Brian may keep you all updated on my progress. I’m one tired gal.
but it wasn’t because of my ECT treatment on Monday. Guess all I can do is try again tomorrow. My entire body is frickin’ sore and I think it’s from that stupid fibroid. Grr.
…this song is dedicated to you. It’s called “Take It Off” by The Donnas. (This post has been updated at mamazilla’s request to include a picture of me from the old (original) EXIT days when I danced in a cage on Bondage a Go-Go Nights, circa 1991. I did not actually “Take It Off” — that was at Berlin, back when they had Women’s Obsession Nights dedicated to lesbians and featuring well, me — “Manila Monroe.” )
This post is dedicated to mamazilla, who’s apparently developing a diaper fetish (well, she does have kids), and to DutchBitch, who thinks the term “butt tests” is hilarious and who made me see the light in Ultrasound Results!.
VIVA LA DEPENDS PORN!
Are you squeamish? Then don’t “Continue Reading”! “Butt” then you’ll miss reading about Dr. Hottie!
The downside is that all of these things are on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, all in a pretty little exhausting row.
…this song is dedicated to you. It’s called “Take It Off” by 
)
This post is dedicated to 
VIVA LA DEPENDS PORN!
