I’ve never written about this but I have food issues. I use food as a reward system for myself when I’m making steps towards my recovery. I use other things, too, like shopping, but food is the big one. I tend to choose foods that are bad for me like ice cream, which exacerbates my IBS. But then I can’t stop. I keep eating more and more ice cream (most recently a Good Humor King Cone) each day, sometimes twice a day, knowing the effects it’ll have on me.

Other times I use food (again, something bad for me that exacerbates the IBS) to make myself feel better. Oh, I’m depressed because [insert reason here, i.e., I have bipolar; I have IBS; I’m on disability; I’m PMSing; just because]. I should get to have half a pint of Edy’s Nestlé Drumstick Sundae Cone ice cream because that’ll make me feel better, never mind the consequences. Hmm…I still feel depressed. I’ll just eat the rest of that pint…. Now I feel depressed because I ate ice cream when I know very well that tomorrow I’m going to end up with the runs. But it tastes go good! So I’ll have some more. I know Brian stashed an extra pint in the freezer somewhere.

And yet other times, I use food to reward myself for having not eaten it! Well, I haven’t had ice cream in a whole week, so I should get to have some. I’ll just have a quarter of a pint. But that usually ends up being the whole pint. It’s like this excerpt from Carrie Fisher’s Postcards from the Edge:

That’s it, I’ve quit. This time I’ve really quit. I’m not doing cocaine anymore. If someone came up and offered me cocaine I wouldn’t do it….

My first party without drugs. Interesting…. I wonder if anyone here even has any cocaine. That guy Steve looks like he might, he usually has some. I loathe that guy, but he always has great cocaine….

No, I promised myself I would not do any cocaine, because that last time was such a nightmare and…But it was fun in the beginning….

But this is the new me. I’m totally on a health kick. I have not taken cocaine in four days. I don’t even like it anymore. I never really did like it, I just did it ’cause it was around. And I don’t think I was really heavy into it, not like Steve over there….

“Hi, Steve, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah. I’m fine…. You seem very up. No, I’m…I’m not doing any right now. I’ve quit…. No, I’m serious…. I’m absolutely committed to this.

“No, I don’t think I had a problem. It’s just that my nose started…I don’t know. I’ll probably end up still doing a little bit every so often, you know. Not right now. Maybe…well, like, maybe…. All right, maybe like a hit, but that’s [...] it, though.”

And of course the guy ends up in rehab after ODing on coke and a bunch of other drugs. He even has a secret stash at home, like I do with my ice cream, candy bars, etc. Ice cream is not even in the same ball park as cocaine, but once upon a time, for me, it was alcohol and cocaine and other drugs instead of ice cream. Once upon a time it was hangovers not the runs. The problem with ice cream is that not only is it legal, it’s food. For me, it almost doesn’t matter what it is. It’s the patterns of thinking that I need to change. *sigh* This is going to be a long road.

See more progress on: lose 25 lbs.

After not having exercised in 165 days according to my Wii Fit, I did this 15-minute pilates DVD workout that also includes some aerobic stuff. God, I completely forgot how core-heavy pilates is. I barely made it through those exercises. But for now I want to improve my cardio condition, however slightly, and regain my flexibility. High blood pressure runs in my family and now that I’m 40 I’m starting to get worried.

My goal for this week is to do this workout 3 days this week. No, it doesn’t compare to my nearly 1-hour cardio workouts and 1/2-hour stretching exercises from the past, but I have to start somewhere. Even back then when I started, I could barely do 10 minutes on the treadmill at a less-than-moderate pace.

Although last time my goal was to lose 15 lbs., I actually lost a lot more and was skimming 110 lbs., which for me, at 5’1″, is underweight. Unless of course I was a Hollywood starlet, in which case I would’ve been 10 lbs. overweight. Heehee.

Also according to my Wii Fit, my body mass index (BMI) puts me into the overweight range. Though I am not obese, I still have a ways to go to reach 115 lbs., which my doctor said I should be.

Am I undermining myself by having bought 3 king-size Reese’s bars for $3 at Walgreens? And an Oreo brownie for 99 cents? After finishing my workout and showering? Perhaps. Obviously I’m not ready to change my diet, but as long as I’m getting physical activity, it’s something. I need to remember to give myself credit for that.

See more progress on: lose 25 lbs

As opposed to the merely existing, that is. I had my first appointment with my new/former therapist. I was anxious, mainly about taking the El to get there. I was tempted to drive, but I didn’t. I was afraid I’d be late, but I wasn’t. I survived transferring to the subway from the El and riding in cars more crowded than my last El trip. I survived exiting on the wrong corner when I climbed outside from the underground. I had no panic attacks and didn’t take an extra Klonopin. I got exercise from walking to and from the train station.

We had to catch up on the past 2 years since I saw her last — my mental and physical health. More importantly, we discussed my therapeutic goals, which include going to therapy and not canceling at the last minute, even if it means showing up with only 5 minutes left of my session. I just need to show up. Similarly, I’d like to work on keeping my other commitments in order to take the larger steps of taking a class, going back to martial arts, and most definitely playing hockey. When you’re the goalie, you have to be there.

Other goals I have that I haven’t yet addressed here include feeling comfortable with my weight, whether I remain at my current weight or choose to lose 25 lbs. As long as I’m in good cardio shape, which I’m so NOT, I want to feel good about not just my body image but my self-image. Part of that includes accepting the IBS and other health issues I have, like the uterine fibroid and my food addiction/abuse. I also want my independence back — driving myself to my own appointments and eventually, driving on the expressway. I want to start writing again and sending my work out. Most of all (and I forgot to mention this to her), because I’ve been dealing with this bipolarness for 15 years, I’ve come to define myself as bipolar, period, rather than seeing myself as a person who happens to have bipolar disorder.

Going into last week I knew it would be stressful: not only did I have a pdoc appointment on Thursday, I had to get a filling on Tuesday. (The last time I was at the dentist about a month ago, I nearly had an anxiety attack while sitting in the chair.) Brian would be out of town for work all day Wednesday, I had to shop for his birthday, and generally prepare for our trip to Columbus, OH, later this week. Oh, and it was raining. And I was PMSing.

Brian drove me to the dentist on Tuesday, and thankfully, the appointment was quick and painless. The bad news is that I need to see an endodontist for a root canal. I never even knew there were such things as endodontists, and requiring a root canal has long been one of my biggest fears. That night when I was flossing, I suddenly felt something sharp in my mouth. Wouldn’t you know it? A piece of molar but mainly old filling on the complete opposite side of my mouth than the one she worked on broke off. It didn’t hurt, and I knew I’d have to get it taken care of; but Brian and I figured it could wait until at least Thursday when he’d be back and could take me.

So I call the dentist Wednesday, and she tells me to come in at 2pm. She couldn’t squeeze me in Thursday, and felt that I needed this taken care of right away. Wonderful. I had planned a leisurely day of shopping, having lunch, and whatnot. Now, I had to do all of this stuff by 2 because I didn’t know how I’d feel afterwards. It was 11:30am. As soon as I hung up, I took an extra Klonopin. I’m allowed to take them as needed, and this seemed like a good time.

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Today I not only left my apartment by myself, I took the el downtown — by myself — to have lunch with Brian. It was easier than I expected, even leaving the house, but the cleaning lady was here and that always motivates me to get out.

Our stop is near the end of our end of the line so it was pretty empty when I got on, which it would be anyway at that time of day. As we got to the trendy/more populated neighborhoods the train started filling up to the point where people had to stand. I started feeling an anxiety attack coming on, but thankfully it didn’t. I just kept looking at the sights out the window.

See more progress on: start taking public transportation again