Yesterday I wrote a post that included a picture that said, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” And although I agree with Heather that this probably isn’t possible for people who have really bad anxiety, it may not be practical for anybody, either. For example, the scary thing I did yesterday was finally getting my ass into the shower. No, the act didn’t terrify me, but just the thought of doing it — or not doing it, for that matter — increased my anxiety. So, that “scary thing” is different for everyone on different days and should be something realistic.

Brian and I made plans to go to my “new” gym to try a Group Kick class at 12:30pm. After thinking it through this morning, I realized that it probably wasn’t realistic and there’s no way I could make it an entire hour kicking and boxing and whatever else they do. So I suggested we take the Group Step class at 9:30am instead. How hard could that be? You just step up and down on this step thing. Besides, I’d already used the bathroom so any anxiety about having frantic scary urges because of the IBS was out of the way. Neither of us has taken any aerobics classes before and Brian never would other than for moral support.

I packed my gym bag so I could shower there to make sure I was totally OK with the facilities and besides, I’d be less likely to shower at home later no matter how stinky I was. By the time we got into the car, I didn’t think we’d make it in time. Besides, Brian didn’t have a free pass — he’d have to sign up for a guest pass and who knew how long that would take? I wanted to make sure we had a spot in the way back of the room.

There was no parking. I changed my mind and told Brian to head home, even though that wasn’t what I wanted to do. So we drove around until we found street parking. We were late. One of the employees walked me up to where the class was taking place and I could clearly see through the plate glass into the studio that the class was well on its way. Luckily, there was a chair just outside the door. I collapsed into it and burst into tears. Right there. At the gym. In front of the gym employee, and where I was convinced the people nearby and in the class could see me blubbering like an idiot about how there was no way I could do that class, I was too uncoordinated, and so on. I couldn’t even tell which one was the instructor! And Brian hadn’t even come up from the men’s locker room yet.

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For someone who has pretty bad anxiety, to the point where you’re almost agoraphobic, this is a good thing to do. Still, just the thought of doing one scary thing a day causes me anxiety. My heart starts racing a little and my mind starts racing a lot, trying to think of different things that would qualify as scary for me.

I’ve been driving on Lake Shore Drive once a week now for 3 or 4 weeks to see my therapist. That was scary the first time I did it. Making the commitment to return to regular therapy was scary, but one I’ve been doing well at. When I first started going I took the El on my own, which was also scary, especially because I haven’t ridden it in years and they’ve remodeled a lot of the stations. Going to the dentist for a few appointments by myself was scary. Anyway, I’ve been doing quite a few scary things in recent months, but not one a day. I guess you have to start somewhere.

Yesterday I did a really scary thing. In fact, it was so scary that I was very close to tears as I drove and nearly had an anxiety attack, even after I arrived. The previous day I made the decision to attend a Stretch class at that gym I visited over the weekend. When yesterday morning came along, I didn’t think I could do it. Then I was afraid I’d be late. Shortly after I got into the car, I realized that I left my cell phone at home, but I knew that if I went back for it I wouldn’t go back out. Several times during the 10-minute drive there, I seriously considered turning around and going home.

I made it in plenty of time and thankfully found a parking space in the lot. The woman who gave us the tour on Saturday was glad to see me. I introduced myself to the instructor, which is what you’re supposed to do when you’re new to a class. I explained to her about my anxiety and she assured me the class would help, which it did. I was a little uncomfortable because it was more crowded than I expected, but I found a space for myself in the back of the room.

The stretching exercises were wonderful, but I admit that my mind was racing the entire time. The class was only 30 minutes and I considered using the treadmill afterwards, but the instructor advised that it’s better to do cardio before stretching. Excellent, I thought. Besides, I figured, I accomplished my goal for the day. I did one scary thing.

photo [via]

On the way to Borders this past Saturday, Brian and I spontaneously — well, OK, I was the one who made the decision — paid a visit to a nearby health club that’s connected/affiliated with a hospital. The facilities are on the same campus.

This health club holds a ton of appeal for me: it’s closer; they focus on the mind and body and overall wellness; if something happens, the hospital’s right there; and most important, the client demographics are much more varied than the already skinny young set of yuppies at our current health club. I didn’t mind working out there when I weighed 112 lbs. In fact, I weighed about as much as I do now when I first started going there, but it’s…I don’t know. I’m so incredibly self-conscious. And I feel horrible that I’ve regained all that weight.

Anyway, this new place is going to start an 8-week long, one-hour program that includes both exercise and discussion about eating properly, eating due to stress, etc. It sounds perfect for me, but it hasn’t started yet.

The place itself meets my standards in terms of cleanliness and the equipment I’d use, and the person who gave us the tour didn’t make me wait for 2 hours like “Brett” (not his real name but close) with the fancy goatee at our current gym. When I finally said something to him, he gave me some lame excuse about not realizing why I was there. Whatever, Brett. Fuck you. And yeah, I really did wait 2 hours. Granted, the woman on Saturday was definitely a salesperson, but she seemed to have my health interests in mind.

I now have 2 free passes to use in the next 30 days. I really wanted to go to the Stretch and Tone class yesterday, a low-key class to get me started up again on increasing my flexibility. I wanted to try out the tai chi class today. I chickened out. I’ve never been to group classes at the gym and always made sure to work out when most people were at work. This class thing though — that means other people and I have horrible social anxiety. I don’t even know how I made it to the few yoga classes I took last year or whenever that was, let alone martial arts.

Brian offered to join for a month so he could accompany me, just to get me started. The problem is, the classes wouldn’t interest him and anyway, they’re during the day while he’s at work. I’m sure he’d join to use the machines, but the reason he goes to our old gym is because they have pick-up basketball. Recently, he’s started working out on our stationary bike that we bought for me a while back, and I’m actually jealous.

Anyway, I’m also looking into Weight Watchers. I’ve spoken to a few people about their experiences with it and both have been positive. I meant to go to the drop-in open house thingy at a nearby location this past weekend, but I chickened out, surprise, surprise. I rationalized this by telling myself that I visited that health club on Saturday; but I really did and that’s a step.

All I know is that I’m tired of looking the way that I do, and I’m definitely tired of the way I look makes me feel. I’ve always been the type of person whose mindset is, “If you don’t like something, quit your bitching and do something about it.” But I can’t. It’s not even that I can’t because I have in the past, but now I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified. And in the meantime, this terror and anxiety has me eating shit that I should be staying the hell away from.

I must really be crazy. Not only am I going to participate in Poetic Asides’ 2009 November PAD Challenge, I, on impulse (surprise, surprise) decided to participate in National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) this year for the first time. They even provide you with a nifty little widget you can put in your sidebar (hint: scroll down ).

Like the Poem-A-Day Challenge last April in which I participated, Poetic Asides will post a prompt for each day in November, and you’re required to write a poem that corresponds to it. Unlike April’s PAD, I will not be submitting my poems to the Chapbook Contest. I’m merely utilizing this event as a way to generate poems. Hey, it worked in April. The nice thing was that you didn’t have to keep up with each day’s prompt — you could write all 30 poems on April 30th, as long as you submitted them by the deadline. I imagine it will be the same this month.

NaBloPoMo doesn’t work that way. You have to write a blog post each day of November. They don’t provide blogosphere-wide prompts, although some members will suggest prompts that are just that — suggestions. I don’t honestly know if I’ll be able to complete this because my priority will be the poetry writing.

Many of the poems from my thesis are good, but I’m not satisfied with it as a manuscript. My long-term goal is to write enough poems that I can put together into a decent manuscript, but for now, I need to write poems.

So, it begins.

At least for now. My goal was to complete my 15-minute aerobic/pilates DVD workout 3 times last week but I only did it twice. Though I didn’t meet my goal, surprisingly, I’m happy about my progress. I tried, and that’s good enough. Thinking this way is also progress: I’m not beating myself up about not reaching my goal.

Since mid- to late-August, I’ve been pushing myself, driving myself places such as shopping for Brian’s birthday presents and a series of dentist appointments — even unexpected ones. I started therapy again and have been taking the El to get there, and that includes about 20 minutes of walking, round trip.

I still have a few dentist appointments coming up including a root canal, which I’ve never had done before. I’ve been putting off seeing my family doctor about this skin discoloration on my right shin, which begins at the cortisone injection site from when I sprained my ankle last spring. Now, the site stings and it looks like a rash has developed so I can’t put that appointment off any longer. I also have a flu screening coming up as well as my regular pdoc and therapy appointments. And I’m planning to drive myself or take the El on my own to most of these.

On top of that, there was the road trip to Columbus, my blog was hacked this past weekend, and all of the other small stresses that add up to a ton of stress — not all of it bad — I’ve been getting out more socially. Yesterday, for example, I had a really good day. We went to a belated birthday brunch for Brian, and although my sister and brother-in-law couldn’t make it, we had a really good time with my mom.

Today, however, I’m completely overwhelmed. I made myself get out of bed and do my morning chores. I made myself shower and get dressed. But these basic things have been harder and harder to do since we got back from Columbus. The good thing is that I’ve recognized that I’m pushing myself to do more and more things — pushing myself too hard, which is a cycle I’ve been through in the past and always ends up with me falling flat on my face and unable to get out of bed for days or weeks.

The good thing is that I saw this and am cutting back to only 2 of these health appointments a week. Earlier today I thought I had finally fallen and was back at square one yet again, but I’m just having a bad day. Yes, I was on my way back to the beginning but the fact that I’ve seen this and am not going to continue pushing myself is progress. Working out will just have to wait.

See more progress on: lose 25 lbs.