I saw the pdoc yesterday. He brought up ECT. This morning I thought fine, let’s do this. I’m sick of feeling the way I do. I don’t want to try yet another med that I’ve already tried only for it to work for a month or so and then stop working. But I’ve been through the list of SSRIs and everything else but the tricyclics and oral MAOIs.

When I went to the bathroom this morning it was with every intention of getting in the shower afterwards but when it came time, I just couldn’t. I’m not even sure I didn’t have the energy so much as I just didn’t have the will. The motivation. And motivation is a HUGE red flag, which is why I was all about ECT this morning.

Brian took me to see my therapist this afternoon, and I changed my mind about the ECT, at least for now. We worked out that the kernel of my day-to-day depression right now and for a while, has been the IBS. So the plan is to see my family doctor and find out if I need to see a gastroenterologist or another colorectal surgeon. My current IBS doc is a CRS in the suburbs. He isn’t in the far suburbs, but I want someone closer to home.

Meanwhile, after the pdoc mentioned ECT yesterday and went through my chart and realized I’d been on all these different types of antidepressants, he suggested EMSAM, which is a patch. I reminded him that I’d tried that already, but I couldn’t remember why it didn’t work. I was ambivalent about it, so he wrote a separate prescription for it (he writes the Rx for all 3 of my meds on 1 sheet of his Rx pad). Like the Abilify, which I was on when it first came out, I was put on EMSAM when it first came out, so like the Abilify last spring, I will probably try EMSAM again.

Although EMSAM is an MAOI, it doesn’t have the dietary restrictions (no chocolate, cheese, wine unless you want to die, for real) that traditional MAOIs do, although according to their medication guide, at a 9mg patch, you can’t eat those foods. I’m starting on 6mg. There’s also a contraindication with using Tegretol, but Tegretol is also contraindicated for birth control pills and that’s never been a problem. So I’m waiting to hear back from him about whether or not I should use it because I will not take any other mood stabilizer other than Tegretol.

Aside from that, there’s the whole logistics of the thing. He said to put it on early in the morning so I’d be able to sleep at night, but wasn’t sure if it’s OK to take it off like, while working out or showering. There was nothing on the web site mentioning it, either. So I’m having obsessive thoughts/anxiety about how to use it: is it OK to take it off for a little while? What if I take it off for more than 2 hours? What if it doesn’t stick back on? Etc.

On the other hand, though I’m using everything in my willpower that I have to write this post, I honestly don’t know if I’ll have it to drive myself to my fitness class tomorrow. Perhaps I need to readjust my goals as far as that goes.

Brian took a long lunch to drive me to the first session of my fitness class last week. Several times during the lecture portion I nearly burst into tears and started hyperventilating, manifestations of panic attacks for me. Luckily, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths prevented them. It was tough, though.

I had a feeling I’d be the youngest one in the class and I was. I also had a feeling I’d be the healthiest and I probably am, since some of the other members are there on doctors’ orders. By no means am I healthy, though. For almost a year all I’ve really done is move from the bed to my desk to the couch sometimes back to bed and almost always back to my desk. This past summer I did pretty well getting out of the house, but that was the exception rather than the norm.

Maybe because it was the first day of class, but it was more lecture than workout. Last week’s topic was balance and how your abs are basically key to having good balance, which I don’t have, really. I know, it’s weird considering I play hockey, but as the instructor said, lots of things can change your gait, like injuries. Goaltending has caused me to have trouble aligning my hips in yoga because even though I used to be able to do the splits on ice, my hips weren’t straight — they faced whatever direction the puck was in.

Anyway, the “workout” portion consisted of the instructor’s aide demonstrating floor/mat abs exercises; then we split into groups and were shown 3 different abs machines and how to use them. That was pretty helpful because any abs work I’ve done in the past was mat work.

So I thought this thing was only once a week. I was wrong. I had no idea we’d have homework, or “labs” as they like to call it. This week, it consists of taking at least one of a list of classes that help build core strength and working out on 3 of the abs machines. There are exercises you can do at home for extra credit, too. Here’s my problem: Brian drove me to that first class last week, and I should be able to drive myself to the gym once a week. But now it turns out I have to be there more often.

Aside from my whole driving issue, there’s the IBS issue because the classes are at times when I haven’t used the bathroom yet, or when I’m not even sure if I’ll need to go that day. Granted, you don’t have to complete the labs the week it’s assigned, but as the instructor said, if you wait until the last week, you’ll have a lot of catching up to do.

If you complete the class, which I assume means attending each session and doing the homework, you get a coupon book of perks and who knows what else. Brian reminded me that I’m not there for discounts nor is this for class credit. I’m trying to lower the unrealistically high expectations I have of myself, but going more than once a week to do the labs isn’t an expectation I’ve set for myself — it’s part of the class. There’s a part of me that wants to take this casually, but there’s also that competitive part of me that wants to complete everything — not even exceed the expectations, just meet them.

Taking this class was supposed to be a good thing, but right now I just feel inadequate. And I hate that the IBS is not something I can control.

Tomorrow is the last day of both NaBloPoMo and the Poetic Asides November Poem-A-Day Chapbook Challenge. Thank fucking goodness. I’m not as concerned with the poetry challenge because they don’t all have to be written by tomorrow. Participants have the entire month of December to revise the poems and then submit it for the chapbook contest (which I’m not doing; I’m planning to take more than a month for revisions). So I have plenty of time to write them and because they offer daily prompts, at least I have ideas.

As for NaBloPoMo, I do have ideas, but I just don’t have the energy to write something that’s fairly well thought-out in just a few minutes and then hit the “Publish” button. If I do this again next year, which I probably will, we will not be doing any traveling during the month of November. On the other hand, if we do have travel plans, I won’t be doing NaBloPoMo. It’s just been way too much for me.

It hasn’t helped that I haven’t had enough sleep/haven’t been sleeping well for the past few weeks. I’m absolutely exhausted today. Again. Each day I’m just that much bitchier and not so gentle with my state of mind. I’m not giving myself any mental breaks, like I remind my friends who do or do not have bipolar to do when they’re going through a rough patch. Why? Because I have these crazy, unrealistically high standards for myself. So, I’m ending this post now in order to try practicing what I preach.

Hard to believe that both NaBloPoMo and the November PAD Challenge are halfway over. So here’s my progress: I’m 15 for 15 on NaBloPoMo, and 8 for 15 on PAD. Not too bad, and who knows? I may get into a zone and write 2 or 3 poems tonight! Overall I’m happy with where I am with both.

The November PAD Chapbook Challenge and NaBloPoMo, that is. Well, sort of but not exactly.

I’ve surprised myself by blogging every single day so far this month and I’d like to keep it up for as long as I can after November. I’m doing my best to complete NaBloPoMo, but it just may not happen since I already have a lot going on this month. For example, Brian and I will be out of town for a week to visit his folks and some friends in Iowa. My therapist told me today that if a few of my blog posts have to be just a sentence long like a Tweet, so be it. Until our next appointment in 2 weeks I’m to concentrate on enjoying myself, the trip — which she reminded me isn’t a working trip — and reconnecting with people we haven’t seen for some time. I shouldn’t obsess about finding places where I can work out; I should take walks with Brian instead.

As for the poetry, I’m definitely behind but for some reason I feel much less pressure keeping up with each day’s writing prompt. I will be happy with having written 30 poems by the end of the month. Sometimes it’s harder for me to write when I’m given a guideline or topic on what to write about, and sometimes it’s easier. My writing process differs when it comes to poetry and blog posts/prose. I can’t define that process exactly, but with poetry I have to let ideas simmer for a while. I guess it’s like that with blogging, but I don’t feel the need to refine my craft when I blog so although I can choose my topics, there’s less pressure as to how I present them.

Although I realize that I won’t be a loser or failure if I complete neither of these ventures, my mind will perceive that irrationally because I still haven’t learned to break down the high expectations I have of myself as well as the perfectionism in everything I do. I get really obsessive about things and I don’t yet have the tools I need to fully absorb what’s rational and discard what’s irrational. But that’s what therapy’s for.