I finally managed to make myself call my past employers to track down my employment history for the past 15–that’s right–15 years in order to complete the SSDI form. This isn’t easy when the longest job you’ve ever had was for three years, but also because, when I was last able to work, I was an adjunct professor, which meant that I had to teach at whatever school had openings available.
Met with my CM yesterday, but he said he didn’t want to call the SSA office for an appointment yet because it was the end/first of the month and they’d be too busy. Anyway, he said he’ll be meeting with one of the workers next week or so and will try to sneak in an appointment for me.
See more progress on: apply for disability
He also helped me fill out the forms for public aid–you know, food stamps, emergency cash, and most importantly, Medicaid, since yesterday was the last day
Brian and I had insurance. Fortunately, we didn’t have to fill out a separate form for him. The
CM was nice enough to fax it over to the local public aid office, too. I have to admit that it was humiliating, but I guess you have to do what you have to do.
We have one or two months to decide whether or not we want to be on COBRA, but there’s no way we can afford that. Brian’s sister has generously offered to help pay for it, however. Also, because we both have a mental illness, we can’t let our insurance lapse for, I think it’s three months max, or they’ll be considered pre-existing conditions. Life just keeps getting better and better.
Went to the unemployment office on Wednesday. Brian had to fill out a form and only pencils were provided. Then, on the last page, it said something like, in order to avoid fraud, make sure you fill out the form in pen. :s Luckily, it wasn’t crowded so he was processed right away and had to watch a video. He has an appointment in three weeks, and that’s when they’ll tell him whether or not he qualifies. We’re hoping that he’ll have a job by then.
I know it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I ended up canceling my
GE appointment yesterday. I’ve still had a few minor accidents, but at least there hasn’t been any blood. But dude, I just felt so defeated and I really didn’t feel like having anyone stick their fingers up my ass.
Besides, I had hockey practice later that night, and I didn’t feel like going to that, either. Anyway, most nights I have practice, I try to keep the rest of my day free so I can relax, rest up, and be ready. I did go to practice, and I’m glad because even though I had my doubts, I ended up having a lot of fun. We didn’t have practice or games last week so we have two games this weekend: one tonight and one tomorrow. I should go pack my bag because we have to leave in half an hour.
I’m trying to keep my chin up. I really am.
i know that at the end of my last post i said that i’m really pissed at my mom right now and that maybe i’d post about it today. well, i received an e-mail from her this morning, which i totally didn’t expect, and i’m not sure how to deal with it just yet. so i’m going to wait a little while and not do anything irrational.
in the meantime, i had a really good workout this morning. i plan to go to the studio to work on my jewelry projects for a while, and then take it easy the rest of the afternoon. i’ve got hockey practice tonight. my new meds are still taking a while to settle in, but since i get so weird and belligerent at night–to the point of banishing Brian to sleeping on the couch–maybe being on the ice will help calm me down.
something i haven’t mentioned because it’s embarrassing is that i’ve been having this “soiling” problem for the past couple of months now–not urine, either–it’s poop! i’m not completely shitting my pants, but i do have accidents. like the other day, all i did was bend over to get some socks out of my bottom dresser drawer, and i had a slight accident. some days are worse than others, like when i feel that i have to go, but then the urge becomes so overwhelming that i barely make it to the bathroom in time.
needless to say, this has not helped my anxiety. i’ve been too scared to go anywhere for fear of having an accident. and, catastrophizer that i am, i was completely convinced that i would need to start wearing Depends. Jesus Christ, i know i’m getting older, but i’m 37, not 87!
i finally saw the family doc last week, who prescribed some Detrol, which is actually for overactive bladders, but he said that it might help tighten my sphincter, colon or whatever, too. it’s been working OK, but now i’m like constipated! even when i feel like going, nothing comes out! the cats pass bigger logs than i do! i even had oatmeal this morning, which usually flushes me right out, but nope. not yet, anyway.
we’ve been trying to get in touch with this gastroenterologist, but we keep playing phone tag, and he doesn’t leave his stupid phone number so we have to wait for him to call back. what’s up with that???
i have decided to take my hockey training more seriously. well, serious for a complete amateur, anyway. Brian and i did go to the gym this morning, and about an hour or so after i took him to work, i grabbed my goalie pants, leg pads, and skates, and did not procrastinate about getting my ass out the door to go to public skate.
a rat hockey (pick-up game) session just ended as i arrived. there were maybe three or four people left hanging around, and i recognized one of them–the ex-boyfriend, Tony, with whom i ran away to Colorado in 1991. more on that later. as an aside, i didn’t play hockey when we were dating.
anyway, he and another player, a woman named Wendy who actually plays for one of my team’s opponents, invited me to the next rat hockey game, which is this Friday at 8:30am. a bit too early for me, especially since i have practice late on Thursday night, but they’ll be playing again next Tuesday.
the entire exchange between Tony and me was completely innocent–he’s been married for several years now and has a baby. i really believe that he and Wendy were sincere in inviting me to join them for hockey. who knows? maybe they’ll know a goalie who can give me some pointers or something. however, the history between Tony and me is important because it was one of the seeds that was planted and that bloomed into my life as it is today. still, running into him today was unsettling.
anyway, i had the ice to myself, and although i didn’t stay the entire hour-and-a-half, i did practice my T-glides, which, according to Wikipedia, is:
A technique used by goaltenders to move in a lateral direction. To perform a t-push, a goaltender directs his/her outside skate in the desired direction, pushing with both legs, covering the five hole. This method of lateral movement is most effective when the puck is close to the net.
considering that the Tigers don’t have a goalie coach, for me it was a start. anyway, if you’re interested, you can read the story about Tony and me below, and a somewhat abbreviated version of how i got to where i am today, not in hockey, but in life in general.
Read the rest of this entry »
i made it through the in-laws’ visit this weekend. not that i didn’t think i would, but visiting with them wreaks havoc on my anxiety, which is ridiculous because there isn’t anything i should feel anxiety about. Brian’s and my backgrounds and families of origin couldn’t be any more different, but Mom and Dad accept me for who i am and still like me–no, love me–so i don’t know what i get worried about. i mean, we’ve known each other for almost 6 years!
they stayed at a hotel in a nearby suburb because Dad doesn’t like driving into the city. heehee. well, when you live in a town with a population of 5,000, and hardly any traffic, who can blame him? hell, sometimes i don’t like driving in the city, either.
besides, there really isn’t room at our place. we would have given them our bedroom, and Brian and i would have crashed on the futon, but since we still kind of live like college students, i guess that offer isn’t very attractive. ok, not college students–there aren’t empty beer cans and such lying around. maybe grad students. 
we had brunch on both Saturday and Sunday, and dinner with my mom on Saturday night. they spent Saturday afternoon at our place, and i’m afraid they were bored to tears. Brian kept assuring me that we wouldn’t need to entertain them, but i don’t know–i guess part of my anxiety is about being a good hostess, which i’m sure that i’m not. for one thing, regular readers already know i can’t bake, let alone cook. we don’t even have a table to eat at!
though Dad doesn’t hate cats, he doesn’t particularly like them, either. as soon as he and Mom sat on the couch, Angelo went straight for him and climbed into his lap!
it was a good weekend.
i received neither roses nor a Star Wars LEGO set from Brian yesterday for Valentine’s Day. instead, he bought red and green bricks from the LEGO store and created roses out of LEGOs to give me. i absolutely love them!!! he always knows just the right thing to say or do. 
Brian called me from work yesterday morning. this is pretty much how the conversation went:
Brian: So, what do you want to do tomorrow?
Me: Tomorrow?
Brian: Yeah.
Me: Oh! It’s Valentine’s Day.
Brian: Yeah.
Me: Do you really care about Valentine’s Day?
Brian: Not really.
Me: Good. Neither do I.
Valentines schmalentines. this day was a lot more important to me when Brian and i first started dating. now that we’ve been together for over 6 years, it just isn’t a priority. do other married couples or people in long-term relationships feel this way? i mean, we’re secure about where each of us stands in the other’s life, so there doesn’t seem to be any reason to exchange gifts to prove it.
i don’t dislike flowers–in fact i love fresh flowers. the problem is, so do the cats. a couple of weeks ago i told Brian that if he plans on buying me flowers, he would do better buying me a Star Wars LEGO set, instead.
at any rate, we’re going to watch tonight’s episode of The Inspector Lynley Mysteries, and have pot roast slow-cooked (read: crock pot) with giardiniera peppers and a merlot for dinner. the merlot will be served in coffee mugs. i’m not even sure that we own wine glasses, and the regular glasses are all boxed up because we drink out of pop cans and bottles of water. the cats drink from our glasses when we aren’t looking. maybe it sounds ridiculous to other people, but this scenario clearly states: Brian and Barb.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
one other symptom of sleep apnea is loud snoring. because Brian was with me at the ENT’s office, he confirmed to the doctor that i do, in fact, snore. our conversation on the way home went something like this:
Me: So, I snore?
Brian: (hesitates) Sometimes.
Me: Loud?
Brian: Not usually.
Me: What do you mean, “not usually”?
Brian: (shrugs) Not usually.
Me: Do I saw logs?
Brian: Not really.
Me: So, sometimes.
Brian: Well…yeah.
Me: Enough to make you leave the room?
Brian: Um, once or twice.
Me: Is that why you sleep in the living room after the alarm goes off?
Brian: No! I really am trying to wake up, then. I only moved to the couch a couple times.
Me: So how loud is it? Can you hear it from the living room?
Brian: A little.
Me: (gasps) As loud as my dad?!
Brian: (hurriedly) No, not as loud as your dad.
Me: Well, OK, as long as it isn’t as loud as my dad.
my dad’s snoring isn’t as loud as one of my uncle’s, who you can hear downstairs even if he’s sleeping upstairs, but it’s still pretty loud. because of job schedules, my dad usually went to bed before my mom so it didn’t bother her. or maybe she just sleeps very soundly. this isn’t, by the way, the reason they’re now divorced. or who knows? maybe it’s part of it.
snoring can present a huge problem in marriages, and i don’t want it to be a problem in mine. some couples actually sleep in separate rooms (see this article). i don’t want to do that!
sappy post title, i know, but i do. the last time we saw the couples counselor, she suggested that every night Brian and i should talk about the next day, what our individual plans are, whether or not i have what i need for the following day–quarters for parking meters if i see my therapist; something i can make myself for lunch; all those little everyday things. this is to help cut down on my anxiety or feeling that i’m not prepared, or not being able to find what i need at the last minute, and then freaking out and calling him at work to yell at him because i’m freaking out. i always apologize and assure him that i’m not mad at him and, as my borderline symptoms continue to decrease, not blame him for whatever’s going wrong. he knows not to take it personally, but it takes its toll. that’s my exteme reaction.
the one that’s more likely is the scenario where i call him up at work:
Brian: Hello?
Me: I don’t know what to do.
Brian: About what?
Me: [insert the most trivial decision, ever; it could be anything because sometimes i'm so tightly wound that i can't decide which shoes to wear, or it could be something like the other day at the ?ber yuppie health club]
he’s always very patient and walks me through each step of my decision-making process.
well, tonight is the first time in a year or so that he’s away on business, and he won’t be home ’til Friday. he called me earlier and we talked about what i have in store for tomorrow. i see the therapist, so i made sure to put quarters in my wallet while we were on the phone.
i told him that i wasn’t sure if i would go to the ?ber yuppie health club because it’s cleaning lady day and she shows up anywhere from noon to 1:00pm. i like to be either on my way out the door when she arrives or better yet, gone. i’d prefer to shower at home rather than at the gym, but i don’t know exactly what time i would leave, let alone return, or whether or not i’d have the nerve to go. plus, i see the therapist at 3:00pm. (see how my thinking process works?)
and he said what he always does, but tonight, maybe it’s because he’s a few states away, it really hit home and made me realize how much i love him and miss him:
Brian: No matter what you decide to do, whether you go or not, you know i’ll still love you.
Me: Even if i end up weighing a thousand pounds?
Brian: You could never weigh a thousand pounds.
Me: OK, but even if i did?
Brian: Even then.
ok, i’m going to wipe my tears away now.
we were supposed to visit Brian’s family in Iowa for Christmas on the 23rd, but we weren’t feeling good enough to make the road trip. besides that, we couldn’t get a catsitter. i suppose we could have left the kitties alone overnight, but not really–not these 4. plus with Angelo on a special diet we wouldn’t have been able to just leave dry food out for them. anyway, we wanted to stay more than just one night. i’m hoping we’ll be able to get out there or that they can come visit us soon, especially since the weather is really nice right now (30s, snow melted).
my mom and a group of her friends take turns doing Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and New Year’s, but we didn’t make it for that, either. it was out in the ‘burbs, but there would have been a lot of kids there and we didn’t want to pass on whatever we have. her condo will be ready for her to move into on the 28th, so she’ll have Brian and me and my sister and her fiance over for a late tayo tayo lang (”just us”, as in, just the immediate family) Christmas.
we did talk to all of our relatives in Iowa, here, Texas, and Las Vegas, so that was nice. as usual, my extended family in Vegas asked when we would be out there next, but Brian doesn’t have much vacation time yet and anyway, we just don’t have the cash. but we’ll be out there in June for my sister’s wedding.
though we couldn’t be with our families, Brian and i still had a great day. we–ok, he–made green bean casserole with fresh green beans. we had that with ham, stuffing (which he can’t seem to go without even when there’s no turkey!), corn, and apple pie for dessert. we fell asleep, woke up in time to watch the Bears game, played some video games, and just hung out.
instead of actually getting the cats anything, since they never seem to use/play with furniture/toys we get them (see here), i put one of their old balls inside an empty tissue box. it was a hit!!! it’s still driving them mad a day later, and Basil even got his head stuck inside the box. fortunately, he was able to remove it on his own a few seconds later. unfortunately, we were unable to take a picture.
i hope all of you had a great holiday, no matter which one you celebrated!
