Though we’re still waiting for the results of Basil’s lab work, I’m happy to say he’s doing much better. No more vomiting, no more diarrhea. The special, short-term diet seems to have helped, as usual. Still, I hate waiting.

As for me, the ECT went smoothly. The anesthesia wasn’t too much and I probably could have been up and around the next day. Unfortunately, the GI thing has reared its ugly head again. If you’re squeamish, don’t bother reading the rest of this post.

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As many of the regulars know, this is Basil. At just over 12 years old he’s our second oldest cat; Hopper, who’ll be 13 in January, is our oldest. In the past Basil has occasionally experienced vomiting for a few days due to an upset stomach, and a short-term diet of Eukanuba Low-Residue (not one of Eukanuba’s recalled products) prescribed by the vets have always helped. We usually bring him in although he acts fine otherwise, but because more than the usual hairball pukies dehydrates him so he needs fluid therapy, and just to have him checked out. This time, though, the vomiting has been accompanied with diarrhea (in the litter box, thankfully!), which never happened before.

Because he’s now a senior cat, he had his first senior exam at the vet last June. This includes all sorts of bloodwork and other tests they don’t normally do to younger cats, and at the time his thyroid level was fine. Part of the senior exam means bringing the older cats in every six months instead of once a year in order to catch any abnormal signs early — preventative care, you know. He was supposed to have a dental, but we had to wait until July because he was sick after the exam, which sometimes happens when cats get their rabies shot. At the time of his dental, his thyroid level went up a level but was still within the normal range.

We weren’t expecting to bring him back for his second exam until December, though we received a reminder in the mail that he’s due for one this month. We thought this was an error, so in a way, it’s a good thing he got sick so his doctor could see him. She expressed concern because he lost a pound since July, but his thyroid level is normal. They took his blood pressure and gave him fluids. However, she heard a heart murmur while listening to his chest. They sent us home and told us to keep an eye on him.

The next day, we learned that Basil needs a cardiac ultrasound. Fortunately, it isn’t an emergency, and he’s scheduled to have it on November 13. When I heard this news, I totally freaked, cried, got really anxious, but managed to drive myself to hockey practice anyway.

He continued to vomit and have diarrhea, but on Saturday, he threw up right after breakfast and more than we’d ever seen in one time. Brian had just dropped off a stool sample, which came back normal — no parasites. We ended up having to bring Basil back to the vet that day even though they were booked up. We dropped him off until the first available doctor could see him, and luckily it was his own.

When we returned to pick him up, they had taken more blood to test for pancreatitis and irritable bowel disorder because his X-rays showed a slight thickening of his small intestines, though not any different from his X-rays this past summer. We won’t get the results back for over a week, and if it’s neither of those, then it could be lymphoma, which is cancer. That’s the worst case scenario and I felt absolutely sick and didn’t want to go to my game that night, but I did.

Since then, we’ve been giving him Pepcid AC and an anti-nausea medication before breakfast, and they sent us home with a bag of Lactated Ringer’s Solution, which are the fluids they give to cats when they’re dehydrated. Luckily, I used to be a vet assistant so I know how to administer this and anyway, it isn’t intravenous.

So that’s what’s been going on this week. I’ve still got two game posts to write and was hoping to have one ready to publish for Monday but I didn’t have time to write it. Monday’s an ECT day and I’ll probably spend it sleeping off the anesthesia, but hopefully I’ll be able to post something. The doctor told us to call if he isn’t better by Monday, but so far he hasn’t vomited since Saturday morning. We’ve seen him use the litter box, but haven’t been able to tell if it was #1 or #2. I just hope he continues to feel better and that none of this is serious.

. . . a real blog post! A very good blog friend called me last week to make sure I’m OK. She noticed that I hadn’t posted anything in ten days, which surprised even me. I realize that most of what I’ve been posting is “filler” unless you’re absolutely interested in the Star Wars and hockey components of my blog, the former of which I’ve been neglecting, the latter of which I know there’s definitely some interest, especially to anyone (me) who’s been tracking my progress of overcoming depression enough to start playing hockey again; well, really, my progress as a goalie. Hey — at least I haven’t been posting only memes and quizzes!

I haven’t posted anything personal because things are bad. There’s been so much going on that I’m afraid to even list my problems because I’ll feel even more overwhelmed. The main problem, I think, is increased anxiety, and all of that has been because of the fibroid; the GI thing, which had been under control until a couple of accidents recently; making sure I’m able to keep my commitments (the only ones I’ve managed to are to hockey); settling in to the regular hockey season after only playing maybe once a week since the Puck Cancer Tournament in August; not working out as much as I should be; taking the train to see my therapist instead of driving (one of the items on my 43 Things list is to start taking public transportation again); issues with my mom and family life; probably things that I make worse in my mind than they are in real life; and, my blog friend pointed out, the fact that I’m constantly beating up on myself. She hit the nail right on the head with that one.

There. So I’ve listed some of the stuff that’s been causing stress, increasing my anxiety, and in turn, feeding my depression. There’s really more to it than what I’ve just written, but I’ll try to write about one thing at a time. However, you’ll have to “put up” with two more hockey posts this week (I don’t want to get behind again) because I’m a week behind, and we played two games this past weekend. And probably a few more Star Wars reviews because where I’m at on the Star Wars timeline, it’s all comic books, which are obviously quicker to read than novels. The next book won’t be coming for another another five SW years. Aren’t you excited?

I had my monthly ECT on Monday, and they finally got the anesthesia right! They still had 117 lbs. on my chart, even though last month I told them I was at like, 114. This time, it was one of the nurses who knows me pretty well and she made sure to write down the proper weight (112.6 lbs.). I saw her do it.

Of course, now I’m up to 113, but I’ve been incredibly dehydrated, probably because — lucky me! — I have my period even though I just had it two weeks ago and it’s only the second week of my Pill pack. This is the second month in a row this has happened. It’s like, all my medical problems are competing with each other in terms of showing themselves. And of course I have to have my period on an ECT week. It was the same last month, too. *sigh*

At least I’ve recovered from the anesthesia at a normal rate. I was still a bit slow and woozy yesterday, but I managed to do pilates and stretch, even though I had to improvise on the former. As I was expecting, the picture tube on our TV finally died, so we got a new TV over the weekend; except that it’s a newer model, so Brian’s having a difficult time figuring out how to hook up the VCR (my pilates are on VHS). But no matter — I found the exact same tapes on DVD on the company’s Web site, so they should arrive at Brian’s office on Friday via FedEx 2-day air or whatever.

Too bad I didn’t think to have his birthday present and my LEGO Star Wars: Hoth Rebel Base that I pre-ordered with a gift card delivered there, but I think the latter two are arriving via USPS. Though I’m realizing that won’t make a difference. Today we got a card from USPS that they tried to deliver a package from Brian’s sister. Well, I heard the buzzer make a slight buzz yesterday, but sometimes it doesn’t work, or other times, people ring the wrong fricking buzzer. And if I’m not expecting anybody, I’m not answering the door. I should have learned my lesson when we had to order the HP4 DVD via Amazon, which UPS delivered. Brian ended up having to go to the UPS station after work and waiting until 9:00 to get it!

Anyway, even though I stretched yesterday, my neck was incredibly stiff but my Walgreens sock buddy took care of that last night! I also showered, did some chores, and checked e-mail, though for some reason, I seem to be losing interest in things I used to like, like being constantly signed in to e-mail so I don’t miss any (though I am signed in at the moment); IMing; Crackbook; Neopets; blogging; reading blogs (though that’s been going on for a while but I’ve been making more of an effort to do so); and . . . dare I say it? Hockey.

I think it’s mainly because I got spanked so badly at “tryouts” last week. Even though our advanced goalie can’t make it tomorrow, thank God I don’t have to go. I didn’t really have to go last week because the tryouts are for people who want to play on the Blue (int.) or White (adv.) teams, and I already know I’m going to be on Orange again. But the Blue goalie, who’s also my new mentor, said I should show up for one of the tryouts anyway, so the coaches can see where I’m at, although we have completely new coaches for the Blue and White teams.

The Blue coach is a goalie himself and said he’s willing to work with us individually when there’s time during practice. Anyway, just the few things my Blue mentor told me last week really helped — like following the puck with my eyes all the way to wherever it ends up. I made two glove saves during the scrimmage doing that! Usually they bounce right back out, but I took her advice and managed to close my glove as much as I could (it’s still really stiff), and the puck stayed! And both shots were made by white-level players! Still, they stung bad because my glove doesn’t offer enough protection, but I got the call from the pro shop today — my new glove and blocker are here! Too bad we can’t pick them up ’til Saturday because the shop’s all the way out in the ’burbs. But, those saves were worth the sting, especially considering the players’ levels!

Despite this, I still don’t feel as interested in hockey as I was just a few weeks ago, but I’m sure this is a temporary feeling. A few of my own teammates were there, and being with them again was a lot of fun. Also, I’m really out of shape. I hadn’t been on the ice since the Friday before for my Instructional League, and not for three entire weeks before that due to what I thought was a sinus infection that wouldn’t go away, and, though that was part of it (I have chronic sinusitis), mainly because of the stress and tension the PCP diagnosed, which caused all the tiredness and was mostly remedied when the pdoc had me take all my Tegretol at night instead of one in the morning and two at night.

Still, after the tryouts, I was really beat and my knee began bothering me again (there are three of us goalies at the Instructional League, so we rotate and have a chance to rest). So I’m not going this week because I have the Instructional League on Friday (it’s every other Friday), and I need a day for my knee to rest when possible. Even though the 28th is supposed to be my last day of the Instructional League, I gave it to a goalie acquaintance who goes on the opposite Fridays because our first real practice is the night before, and since I’m the Orange team’s Registrar this year, I have to be there to collect certain information from our players or they aren’t allowed on the ice.

Over the summer, my goalie friend and I would sometimes switch Fridays, but I didn’t ask if I could swap the 28th for her 21st session. I know this is totally girly, but I’d made appointments for a haircut and facial long before I found out our first practice date, and the last time I made an appointment at the salon, I ended up rescheduling at the last minute, and I set these up for the 21st.

Finally, and if you’ve read this far, you have my sincere thanks, I made it to the gym on my own today so obviously, I’m feeling OK physically, and somewhat mentally, and then saw my therapist immediately afterwards. I hadn’t seen her since July, so it was good. I just wish we could have had a double session because of all that’s been on my mind, but at least now I have a regular day and time that I’ll see her (not counting next week), and I’ll probably just take the el, so I won’t have to worry about parking. That’ll also knock off one of my 43 Things — taking public transportation again, even if it’s only once a week. Lastly, my other goal is to start going to the gym with Brian on his way to work, which means I’ll have to go to bed earlier!

One of the things that’s most important to people with mood disorders is routine. That’s why our psychiatrists and therapists stress going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. I’m a definite proponent of routine; so much so, that when I get derailed like I did today, I sometimes end up giving up and just spending the rest of the day in bed. I had done well for weeks, allowing myself to get back on track, but not today. Back to that in a moment.

As some of you know, I had a sinus infection about a month ago that seemed not to heal. I was tired all the time; all I did was read and sleep. I saw the PCP shortly before my last pdoc appointment, and as he’s told me time and again whenever I’ve seen him due to lack of energy, he said it was from stress and tension. It had been just over a week since the Puck Cancer Cup and I was the one who organized my team and was trying as fast as I could to upload the pictures, which of course, for me, didn’t happen fast enough. I still have three game posts to write (not that anybody cares, but for my own sense of peace). Anyway, the Monday after the tournament weekend I had ECT, and at least this time, it didn’t take me two days to recover from the anesthesia. According to the bloodwork they did when I had the ECT, my anemia is fine.

Still, I was left without energy, but it continued to the following week, and I know it isn’t from the ECT. The week before, I believe I started taking Tegretol again, which I hadn’t taken in months. It’s an anti-convulsant, after all, but because of my quick shifts in moods — even within 15 minutes — my pdoc, Brian, and I felt it was necessary. I just don’t take it the day before I have ECT.

But what was/is this moodiness from? My fibroid? I’ve taken Yasmin for at least three full cycles now, and though it has stemmed my PMS symptoms, my luck’s run out: last month, I had my period twice. I suppose that much blood loss could cause a person to lose energy but mine aren’t that heavy, and that’s just it. I never know what the hell’s wrong with me. For example, is my stomachache due to gas, or are they cramps?

Am I tired because I’m so stressed, or could it be the Tegretol? We just got the pdoc’s blessing today to take all the Tegretol at night instead of one in the morning and two at night. Because of this, I’m to stop taking trazodone. Since mid-summer I’ve only been taking 100 mg. of trazodone, but for the past few weeks, I end up sleeping for nearly 12 hours no matter what time I take it! I try to take it at the same time at night — earlier and earlier these last couple of nights, but if I take it at 10:00 p.m., I still wake up at nearly 10:00 a.m.!

So . . . is this lack of energy due to stress, or because of the change in medication? I took the PCP’s advice and started working out again, so it’s been a week that I’ve been back into my workout routine. And yet, when I’m about to climb off the stationary bike, I feel really sleepy! WTF? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Is it because of the Tegretol that I take in the morning?

Today I was supposed to take Hee Seop to the vet for a weight check. We’ve done it before, it’s pretty much an in-and-out routine and the vet’s a five-minute drive away. I’ve taken him on my own in the past, but today he gave me trouble. I spent 15 minutes literally chasing him all over the apartment, which isn’t so much large, as it is really long and just couldn’t catch him. I was so frustrated that I was in tears, called the vet, and rescheduled for Saturday, when I’ll have “back-up” in the form of Brian. The lady I spoke with was very understanding and was trying to make me feel better.

I decided that I’d do pilates (it’s pilates day) with the hopes that the stretching and breathing would calm me down. I turned the TV on, and all I saw was one vertical line all the way across the screen. This started happening recently. Usually it goes away after a minute, but I waited at least ten. I called Brian, who suggested jiggling the VCR cord, and that worked, but by then I was done.

The day was over. I’m surprised I’m even writing this post. I spent the rest of the day in bed, reading and sleeping. I only got up because the upstairs neighbor happened to knock on my door and we chatted for a while. I’m just fucking sick of all this. I just want to know what’s going on with me. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.