I’ve been avoiding the Internet — Twitter, Facebook except for my Mafia Wars account, my blog, your blogs, even e-mail when possible. It’s a sign of depression for me. But this time I’m determined to continue blogging, no matter how difficult it is. I’m at least getting out of bed, though I haven’t been showering every day, if at all. My hygiene is at a minimum. I mean, by the time I’m done using the bathroom, I’m pooped. Haha. Seriously, I am drained.
This last bout of depression was beginning to improve, especially because I was also finished PMSing. Then an incident occurred on Saturday morning. We were supposed to take Basil to the vet for a tech appointment (not a full exam) at 10:30. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom yet, and by the time I did, we were running late. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but Brian and I began yelling each other, I began feeling extremely anxious — while on the frickin’ toilet — and scratched up my left arm. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was all red and the top blood vessels had burst like they do when I scratch a hive or mosquito bite more than I ought to. It wasn’t my intention to harm myself; it was very much like wringing my hands or working a piece of fabric (like from my shirt hem) between my thumb and forefinger when I’m anxious.
I had already had bad IBS experiences the few days before, and my self-disgust was — is — at an all-time high. I realize this isn’t my fault, that it’s the IBS, but I’m still not convinced because going to the bathroom is something we learn to control at an early age. This incident on Saturday plunged me into yet another depression. I had already seen our family doctor earlier that week, who prescribed something that’s like a preemptive Immodium. I can’t remember what it’s called. I took it for the first time that morning, 15 minutes before eating, as directed. The only real difference was that when I had to go, it wasn’t as incredibly urgent as usual — just that I didn’t have to go early enough to give me time to get ready to leave the apartment.
Anyway, I haven’t even wanted to talk to my therapist on the phone, but I have. I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor in about a month. In the meantime I’m supposed to get an MRI for my ankle and some sort of nerve test that will hopefully explain why my left hand suddenly goes numb sometimes. Not numb like I can’t feel it; more like pins and needles, even though I haven’t been sitting on it.
I’m trying not to stress eat, and it’s been tough. But seriously, the last thing I need is to gain even more weight.
::hugs::
Megan´s last blog ..Happy New Year, 2010 edition
Thanks, Megan.
if there’s anything i can do to help, let me know, ok?
hang in there… *hugs* and *cathugs*
Thanks you. Cat hugs from your cats sound a little threatening, though.
*hugs*
Robin´s last blog ..Movie Snob and Avatar
Thanks, Robin.
Hey Barb I know it’s tough, but hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
crazybeanrider´s last blog ..Running Through The Neighborhood Naked
I know you do, and thanks. I’m trying to manage as best as I can. Sometimes it’s all you can do, right?
OH man I feel for ya! I don’t remember how I found you, (I think it was Leslie) but it must be fate. I battled the same shit (pun intended) for so many years it damn near killed me. Now I’ve gone off all medication, had a rectoceale repair done and I shit like a goose every.single.day! Sometimes more than twice a day! I feel so much better I feel like I’ve finally started to live! And I’m not even depressed anymore!
I haven’t read any of your blog but this post, but I will try. If you want some advice, I’d be happy to help just email me. I’ve been there, it sucks. Hang in there!
Battling shit is so utterly miserable. My CRS said he could do some repair but didn’t think it’d make any difference as far as incontinence goes. I figured forget it, then. I try so hard not to feel humiliated during exams that there’s no way I’m having surgery if it isn’t going to make a difference!
I’ve written plenty more IBS posts around 2006, but that was before WP incorporated tagging, so they aren’t tagged yet. I have so much re-organizing to do with my posts.
Thanks so much for commenting — I’ll e-mail you for sure.
I know, I battled it my entire life, I’m 47. I had a nervous breakdown 10 years ago and they had me on so many drugs I was a zombie. They ended up damaging my liver and doctors treated me like an alcoholic, I don’t ever drink!
All the meds cause constipation too! Docs won’t admit it, but they do. They just keep pushing stool softeners and the like but they also don’t tell you that those things will kill your colon as well! And then there’s the whole “it must be anxiety cuz you have a mental condition” bullshit!
I had a pelvic vault put in. I was lucky enough to have the most excellent doctor who knew just where to put my colon. Now it works all by itself! One cup of coffee and I’m running to the bathroom! Because I’m no longer on those damn constipating drugs too. And guess what? I no longer have IBS!
Oh I could write a book, but I’m sure the medical community would find a way to keep it from being published because they are just legal drug pushers and are killing people with all their drugs!
Finding the right docs is so important. Feel free to ask any questions, no matter how humiliating. You are important enough to not be humiliated by shit!
Wow. My CRS said that most of the meds I was/am on for bipolar and anxiety cause constipation. So do allergy meds, I think. Nice, huh? It isn’t like I can stop taking the stuff for bipolar. I’ve been taking Amitiza for the constipation and it’s helped. As with many of my bipolar meds, it was prescribed as soon as it came out because my conditions are apparently difficult to treat. So who knows what it’s going to do to my colon?
Yeah I was on Amitiza for a while too. The thing that I found was that the docs would just give me a new pill for every little symptom but never bothered to figure out what the main cause of my problems were. Except that they were willing to blame it on depression. It turns out the drugs don’t only gave me the IBS, they also gave me the depression! Send me a list of your drugs please. I’ll bet I have been on them too. Well except the Emsam, never heard of that one.