I’m no longer having thoughts of suicide/harming myself. I appreciate everyone’s comments and encouragement on the previous post — they mean a lot, sometimes more than Brian’s because he’s “in” this with me, if that makes sense; even though he has the capability of being objective, I don’t always have the ability to see his words and encouragement as just that — objective. Often, when I bring something up in therapy, my therapist will say exactly the same thing Brian said on the subject but for some reason, coming from her it sounds different. Maybe because she gets paid. 
Speaking of therapy, I will most likely be going twice a week for a while, which I’ve done before. It’s certainly better than being hospitalized. The only problem is that since the cold and snow have set in, I’ve had trouble getting myself there. Fortunately, Brian has been able to work from home the last few weeks to drive me. But that can’t continue and I would consider it enabling if it does. Like, OK, to help me get started, that’s one thing, but I don’t want to depend on him to drive me places all the time. I’ve gotten myself where I need to be before; I can do it again.
My therapist also advised me to sign up for this 8-week fitness program at the gym. Basically it’s an intro to working out, the equipment, and the gym’s programs, but they cover nutrition and how to make working out a habit and goals. The class is an hour long and meets once a week; it’s 30 minutes lecture and 30 minutes exercise. This starts Thursday, and I’m terrified. I really shouldn’t worry about it today because it’s not for 2 more days and my anxiety gets all worked up. I’m keeping my strategy of getting to the gym that worked for me in the past: pack my bag with my gym clothes and street clothes the night before. But there’s the stupid IBS to deal with. I have to wait until I’ve used the bathroom before leaving the apartment so I’m not suddenly overcome with the urge to go while sitting in the car. Anyway, for now, I just need to be there once a week.
I haven’t called my pdoc to tell him what happened, mainly because I’m scared to death of being hospitalized, although when I met with my therapist last Wednesday, she didn’t feel that hospitalization was necessary. I gave my word that I wouldn’t harm myself, and I have not. Do I still feel miserable? Yes. But it’ll pass like it always does. I just have to be strong and ride it out and use the resources available to me. And be gentle with myself. I often forget that. Anyway, I see him next Tuesday so he’ll hear everything then.
In the meantime, I continue to sit in front of that bright-as-hell light box every morning and try to remember to take things one at a time.
don’t forget! monday and thursday mornings from 9-12 i’m free to teach you to knit… i can come over with some extra yarn and knitting needles whenever you want!
*big hugs*
I have not forgotten! It’ll probably be Mondays because my fitness class is on Thursdays. I’m not sure how long I’ll be in therapy twice a week or on what days, but I’ll call you when all that’s figured out. (((hugs)))
My daughter used to rarely listen to me, but when the pdoc said something his word was golden.
It’s often so hard to take things one at a time, but it’s so important to do. Keep trying.
Of course — she wasn’t paying to hear what you had to say!
I’m definitely trying to do things one at a time.
isn’t it weird about how we view our hubby’s encouraging words? i totally understand that. roscoe and i have argued about that exact thing. like if someone i barely know insults me, i go into a tailspin. even if roscoe gives me a zillion compliments. it’s not that he doesn’t make an impact on my life, it’s just different. or if someone says i did a good job with something, i get all excited about it and roscoe will be like “yeah. i’ve been telling you you’re good at that for years.” sometimes i take his praise and words of encouragement for granted, but it would kill me if he stopped.
i’m glad you’re feeling better. the gym is a great idea! and the knitting idea is good too. it would be good to have something to occupy your mind, and it will give you a sense of accomplishment. (and believe me, going to the gym or taking up a new hobby like knitting would be a HUGE accomplishment for me!)
I’m exactly the same way. Brian’s compliments and words of encouragement don’t seem to hold as much water as others people’s, even though they should hold more.
Because I don’t work, I need to do more things to make myself better instead of sitting in front of the computer all day! LOL
I’m so sorry that I’m late to the table with words of encouragement…
Even though I know that it is absolutely impossible to know/feel it sometimes, there are people out here that are in your cheering section – even if we’re not there in the trenches with you.
I’m glad you have someone solid to lean on. One day at a time, doll…and every day forward has a little bit more hope in it and is a day further away from the darkest one.
Sending many good thoughts and vibes to you.
Allison
Allison! Thank you so much for writing. It’s good to know that people have my back, even if they’re miles away. Now I just need to remember that. It’s been a tough couple of weeks, but things are improving.
One day/hour/moment at a time, that’s all any of us can do *hugs*
Robin´s last blog ..The Happy Pants Foundation
That’s for sure. (((hugs)))
One thing at the time has been the key for me.
Me, too. Sometimes it’s challenging to collect all my thoughts so I can focus on just that one thing. I’m getting lots of practice!
Barb I think it is awesome and very courageous of you getting into an exercise program. I can’t even tell you how that would terrify me. I wish you the very best. I think exercise is one of the best things for depression. You will do great.
crazybeanrider´s last blog ..In The Face Of Togetherness
Well, I’m the youngest and probably the fittest one there, but I was still very anxious during the lecture portion. I’ll write a post about it soon. It’s structured in a way that doesn’t allow you to fail or become discouraged, which is what they don’t want. I’m still a bit anxious, but excited, too.
And yeah, I know from personal experience and though I hate to admit it, exercise is one of the best things for depression. For me, doing cardio workouts also helps dispel anxiety. I know it’ll be easier once I get into a routine, which is what this class helps us do.
I too am sorry I’m late with words of encouragement. Been struggling with my own demons lately.
I’m glad you’re doing better than you were in your last post and I do hope you are following the words of wisdom you wrote about being gentle with yourself. I think that’s something all of us forget to do, especially when we’re facing off against the depression for what seems like the millionth time.
Please take care of you!
Thanks, Sid. I’m definitely being gentle with myself and trying to remember to give myself credit for the things I accomplish, no matter how small.