Realization of the Day: My Life Only Sucks in My Head
October 21st, 2009 | Everyday Life, Health/Fitness
These were my biggest problems this morning:
- The cleaning lady arrived like, 5 MINUTES after I woke up, around 10:30. I had just finished brushing my teeth.
- My second cup of coffee tasted like crapola and it was the last of the 4-cup pot that Brian prepares for me before he leaves for work each day so all I have to do is press the button. As a result, I didn’t get to have my usual second cup of coffee.
- I didn’t have much time between when I woke up and when I had to leave for therapy, so I was unable to check Twitter on the computer and had to do it on my phone.
- Because the cleaning lady arrived earlier than usual, I was still home while she began mopping, which meant I had to move from room to room while Twittering, to avoid the mop.
To someone who doesn’t know me well, I could see how I might come off as a completely spoiled brat — someone who can afford to even have a cleaning lady, let alone one who makes my life a living hell because she’s in my way. In fact, I’m so spoiled and pampered that I don’t even have to make my own coffee every morning because my husband takes care of it. All I have to do is press the button. And…oh. Mah. Gawd. I didn’t get to check Twitter. End of the world.
Yes, I’m spoiled to a certain extent — Brian and I aren’t, by any means, wealthy, but for the most part I can have what I want. I don’t work. I don’t have kids to take care of. I hate cleaning, so I don’t. I can pretty much do whatever I want, like go shopping or to the salon or have lunch with friends. On the outside, my life looks pretty good. Hell — maybe even great.
My little tantrum this morning, expressed via Twitter, made me realize that my life only sucks in my head. One perspective, as I said, is that I’m a spoiled little bitch. But the other and also very real perspective is this:
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- Though I do hate to clean, I have my own chores. When the depression is…I don’t know…in remission (?), I do plenty around here and run errands and stuff while Brian’s at work. For the past few years, Brian has been doing like, 95% of the stuff that needs to be done, including working full time. So paying someone to come here once a week to do the heavy-duty cleaning is money well spent.
- The cleaning lady doesn’t really inconvenience me. She’s practically part of our family since she’s been cleaning for my mom for about 10 years and for us for about 5. When Brian and I came home during school breaks, my mom would make us leave the house so we wouldn’t be in the cleaning lady’s way. If anything, I often feel that I get in the way of her doing her job, which is why I schedule my therapy appointments on the days she comes over.
- Brian makes my coffee because for a long time now, I’ve had trouble doing those sorts of things myself. For a while I was able to microwave my lunches, but lately, using the microwave is overwhelming. This isn’t me being a baby — it’s one of the hallmarks of how my depression manifests itself. I can’t STAND this dependence and am working on regaining my independence.
- I don’t work not because I don’t feel like working; I don’t work because the pdoc has deemed me unable to hold down a job. Sometimes I think that’s crazy because I still see myself as high-functioning even though I’m not. I haven’t been for years, and there’s a part of me that still doesn’t understand or accept that. I mean, I have a graduate degree — how could I possibly be on disability??? But despite the degrees, the fact is, the thought of throwing a Lean Cuisine in the microwave increases my anxiety. I’m not stable or dependable, which totally bothers me. The good news is that I’ve made it to therapy every single week since I returned about 6 weeks ago.
So yeah, compared to tons of people, my life is really good and I believe that. But just because my life only sucks in my own mind and on days that I’m feeling particularly down, that isn’t to discount the bipolarness and other health problems I have, which are not in my head, though they do a fine job of messing with it. I need to remember this more often.
It’s a good thing you realise how you are in reality and in your head. so what if you’re a spoiled bitch, as long as you assume it, it’s all good!
Yep. Accountability is important, especially to yourself.
I’m spoiled too. My husband does pretty much all of the cooking and the coffee and basically waits on me. It’s not our faults we have awesome husbands.
Robin´s last blog ..What Gwen Is In Store For
Agreed — definitely not our fault. Brian does all the cooking unless he wants to eat Ramen every night.
For what it’s worth, this entire post is an incredible step up from where you’ve been for a long time. I see a LOT of progress here, Barb. Good for you.
Thank you.
Ah yes! Reality, accountability. Two great words to check in with myself on all the time. Thank you for this post!
Wes´s last blog ..Bipolar Disorder and Heredity
You’re welcome.
We do have great husbands don’t we
Michelle´s last blog ..A little too close…….
Awesome husbands are the bomb!