I’ve never written about this but I have food issues. I use food as a reward system for myself when I’m making steps towards my recovery. I use other things, too, like shopping, but food is the big one. I tend to choose foods that are bad for me like ice cream, which exacerbates my IBS. But then I can’t stop. I keep eating more and more ice cream (most recently a Good Humor King Cone) each day, sometimes twice a day, knowing the effects it’ll have on me.
Other times I use food (again, something bad for me that exacerbates the IBS) to make myself feel better. Oh, I’m depressed because [insert reason here, i.e., I have bipolar; I have IBS; I’m on disability; I’m PMSing; just because]. I should get to have half a pint of Edy’s Nestlé Drumstick Sundae Cone ice cream because that’ll make me feel better, never mind the consequences. Hmm…I still feel depressed. I’ll just eat the rest of that pint…. Now I feel depressed because I ate ice cream when I know very well that tomorrow I’m going to end up with the runs. But it tastes go good! So I’ll have some more. I know Brian stashed an extra pint in the freezer somewhere.
And yet other times, I use food to reward myself for having not eaten it! Well, I haven’t had ice cream in a whole week, so I should get to have some. I’ll just have a quarter of a pint. But that usually ends up being the whole pint. It’s like this excerpt from Carrie Fisher’s Postcards from the Edge:
That’s it, I’ve quit. This time I’ve really quit. I’m not doing cocaine anymore. If someone came up and offered me cocaine I wouldn’t do it….
My first party without drugs. Interesting…. I wonder if anyone here even has any cocaine. That guy Steve looks like he might, he usually has some. I loathe that guy, but he always has great cocaine….
No, I promised myself I would not do any cocaine, because that last time was such a nightmare and…But it was fun in the beginning….
But this is the new me. I’m totally on a health kick. I have not taken cocaine in four days. I don’t even like it anymore. I never really did like it, I just did it ’cause it was around. And I don’t think I was really heavy into it, not like Steve over there….
“Hi, Steve, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah. I’m fine…. You seem very up. No, I’m…I’m not doing any right now. I’ve quit…. No, I’m serious…. I’m absolutely committed to this.
“No, I don’t think I had a problem. It’s just that my nose started…I don’t know. I’ll probably end up still doing a little bit every so often, you know. Not right now. Maybe…well, like, maybe…. All right, maybe like a hit, but that’s [...] it, though.”
And of course the guy ends up in rehab after ODing on coke and a bunch of other drugs. He even has a secret stash at home, like I do with my ice cream, candy bars, etc. Ice cream is not even in the same ball park as cocaine, but once upon a time, for me, it was alcohol and cocaine and other drugs instead of ice cream. Once upon a time it was hangovers not the runs. The problem with ice cream is that not only is it legal, it’s food. For me, it almost doesn’t matter what it is. It’s the patterns of thinking that I need to change. *sigh* This is going to be a long road.
See more progress on: lose 25 lbs.
I totally get that mindset. Mostly the part about using it to feel better. Then, I still feel depressed, and stuffed and angry that I overdid my calories, which makes me feel even more depressed. I think I’m getting better because I quit buying the foods that I indulge in. If I don’t have them, I can’t eat them. (But, I find other things)
I’m with you… for a long time food was just there, then suddenly it took on a bunch of other roles, comforter, friend, a treat to say I deserve something special today… not a good thing since times and real life often hurt. Now I need to feel special a LOT. LOL.
I’m actually taking part in an eating disorder study at UoC, that says (after hours of evaluation) I am a binge eater. I’ll let you know what they tell me… and I’m WITH you darlin… I’m tried of being out of control with this stuff.
I completely understand the reward system you’re talking about, along with the vicious cycle of eating because I’m depressed and then being depressed because I’m eating.
Sheri´s last blog ..Hiding in the Fog
I’ve been eating more than usual lately for different reasons, so I totally understand what you mean.
it’s a cycle. for me it’s carbs. i crave bread like it’s cocaine. i cannot resist a loaf of bread. pastries are even worse and the sugar in them makes me feel SO sick. i try really hard to keep as much of it out of the house but bread is kinda necessary.
Robin´s last blog ..Where’s My Taily Toy, Bitch
As far as I know, the only man who reads my blog is Brian. Of course there could be lurkers, and not necessarily in a bad way. But since only women commented on this particular post, I wonder if food becomes other things for men? Any thoughts?
@Heather, that’s one reason I don’t go to the store (anxiety is the other). I’ve been to Trader Joe’s a few times with friends and on Brian’s weekly visits, but they don’t carry all the GOOD junk, you know? So what ends up happening is I whine and beg Brian to go to the 7-11 on the corner for this stuff.
@Julie, I think for me, food changed roles when I stopped drinking and using. It’s weird that food even has roles other than simply food. I’d be interested to know about the study. If you want to update me privately, just use the Contact Me form above.
@Sheri, that’s how it started. And get this — my previous therapist was the one who suggested the reward system. I don’t blame her, I mean, I’m the one who chose the rewards, but it’s a frustrating cycle indeed.
@Stinkypaw, see? Why is it that women eat for other reasons other than sustenance?
@Robin, I get cravings, too, but it’s ALWAYS for sugar. Sugar, sugar, sugar. And fruit just doesn’t cut it. Carbs would be tough, because yeah, bread is a staple.