Going into last week I knew it would be stressful: not only did I have a pdoc appointment on Thursday, I had to get a filling on Tuesday. (The last time I was at the dentist about a month ago, I nearly had an anxiety attack while sitting in the chair.) Brian would be out of town for work all day Wednesday, I had to shop for his birthday, and generally prepare for our trip to Columbus, OH, later this week. Oh, and it was raining. And I was PMSing.
Brian drove me to the dentist on Tuesday, and thankfully, the appointment was quick and painless. The bad news is that I need to see an endodontist for a root canal. I never even knew there were such things as endodontists, and requiring a root canal has long been one of my biggest fears. That night when I was flossing, I suddenly felt something sharp in my mouth. Wouldn’t you know it? A piece of molar but mainly old filling on the complete opposite side of my mouth than the one she worked on broke off. It didn’t hurt, and I knew I’d have to get it taken care of; but Brian and I figured it could wait until at least Thursday when he’d be back and could take me.
So I call the dentist Wednesday, and she tells me to come in at 2pm. She couldn’t squeeze me in Thursday, and felt that I needed this taken care of right away. Wonderful. I had planned a leisurely day of shopping, having lunch, and whatnot. Now, I had to do all of this stuff by 2 because I didn’t know how I’d feel afterwards. It was 11:30am. As soon as I hung up, I took an extra Klonopin. I’m allowed to take them as needed, and this seemed like a good time.
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I ordered lunch (because there was nothing here I wanted to eat) from the nearby Japanese/Thai place, even though we had plans to take my mom there on Saturday. But they’re close and quick. As usual, they got my drink order wrong, and gave me Thai iced tea instead of Thai iced
coffee. I was so rattled that I threw the styrofoam cup in the trash without pouring it into the sink first. Doh! I didn’t have time to wait around for them to bring me the right drink order so I got a credit. I would have eaten at the place at a nice, leisurely pace, but I needed to brush and floss before my appointment, and I didn’t want to drive back and forth, etc., etc.
So I made it to one of the shops where I wanted to buy stuff for Brian. This is major because I haven’t purchased anything for him from stores since at least 2007 when this particular depression started; I usually get things for him online. I still had time before my appointment so I went to an ULTA for some daily resurfacer, but they didn’t carry them at that one because they’re “a small location,” so then I had to figure out when I could get to the other ULTA.
I was worried about finding parking at the dentist especially because there was a Cubs game, but I managed. I got myself there, and since she had to do yet another filling on the right side of my mouth she went ahead and did that and gave me a temporary crown for my broken tooth. Woo hoo!
Lots of people, I think, have anxiety about dentists, so I felt really good about myself for not only going, but driving myself there. Afterwards, I went to a different ULTA for my stuff and thought about going to the other store (a secret) to get Brian’s other present. I thought that would be pushing it, and it started to rain hard so my decision was made. I went home. But I did all this stuff that, just a couple of weeks ago I didn’t think I’d be able to do, and get myself to an emergency appointment at the dentist.
I was physically sick all day Thursday, but instead of canceling my appointment at the last minute as I often do, I summoned up all my willpower and Brian drove me to the pdoc, who said that I’m doing really, really well, and making tons of progress. He reminded me to keep realistic expectations, and when I told him I was afraid that I was pushing myself really hard again (I described Wednesday’s shopping/dentist adventure), he assured me that I’m learning to figure out how much I can realistically do without going overboard and ending up back at square one — like going home after my excursion to that second ULTA.
On Friday I wanted to finish shopping for Brian, but seriously, it was a complete EFFORT just to toast a bagel that day. But I did that, got in the shower, and went to the store. A clerk helped me find what I was looking for, and I kind of balked because it was a lot more expensive than what was left of my cash budget so I had to pay for it with my debit card. I called Brian and made him promise not to check our balance online until after his birthday so he wouldn’t know what store I went to. He agreed. So I go to pay for it only to realize that I left my wallet at home. I started sweating really bad, willed myself not to cry, and took deep breaths because I was sure I’d have an anxiety attack.
Instead, I drove home, which fortunately, wasn’t far. Not only did I complete my shopping, I actually went to the bank first to re-set my PIN so I could use an ATM, which I haven’t done in years because I forgot my PIN and never bothered to go to the bank to re-set it. I took out the cash I needed, and Brian can now check our balance to his heart’s delight.
Much of this is comical now, but I accomplished great things. No, I haven’t finished writing a poetry manuscript, started playing hockey again or taking yoga classes or martial arts or even working out. In fact, everything I did is stuff that most people do every single day — the kind of stuff I used to do every single day. But considering how hard it was for me to toast a bagel on Friday — and that’s how life is for me most days — I know I should give myself credit and at the very least, a pat on the back. Yay!
Congratulations! I followed your adventures last week on Twitter and wanted to tell you that even though there was a lot that could have thrown you, it was awesome to hear that you persevered.
Megan´s last blog ..The Great Late Blight of 2009
YAY! You did do a lot and you got through it. I hope you treated yourself to a little something nice for accomplishing so much.
Sid´s last blog ..Another Seroquel rant
Way to go! That Wed. would be stressful for most of us. You did awesome with the struggles and unexpected setbacks. I’m cheering for you and hope you can have some days of celebration and relaxation. One step at a time, or for you ten steps…way to go!!!
@Megan, more like misadventures! Did you feel like you were right there with me?
When I twittered about discovering that I left my wallet at home, which I was able to do on my phone as I walked back to the car, I knew things would be OK. 
@Sid, three red velvet cupcakes that I’ve been craving for over a month! I ate the third one last night.
@aimee, ten steps are exactly what I have to be careful about — it’s a pattern that I have that I’ve finally realized is actually detrimental to my progress, but I get what you mean.
It’s also really good to know that Wednesday would have been stressful for pretty much most people. Thank you so much for pointing that out!
Good job, now go have some ice cream. I demand it.
Robin´s last blog ..Talking Bout My Generation