Huge Decision
I can’t stand this depressive episode any longer. Clearly the ECT isn’t helping. I’ve been putting off making this decision for a very long time, but last night I finally did it, and it was very difficult.
I’m taking a break from hockey, the one activity that keeps me out of depression and focuses my anxiety, in order to have my fibroid removed. Of course, the reason I was even able to start playing hockey again was because the ECT worked. The Seasonique, though it has cut back on my periods, hasn’t improved my depression. I’m convinced it’s some sort of hormonal thing from the fibroid that’s exacerbating this. Anyway, until this thing is gone from my body, we won’t truly know if the ECT is helping. It was before, so it makes sense that it’s this stupid fibroid and that once it’s gone, the ECT will work again.
I’m angry about being so depressed that I’ve been housebound for the last several weeks and it’s a huge chore just getting in the shower. I don’t even know how I managed to hold up in Las Vegas, other than that we were surrounded by family. Here it’s just my sister and her husband, and my mother, all of whom have lives of their own. We get together every so often, but no one stops by every day, even for just a few minutes.
Yesterday, I knew things were really bad when I couldn’t get myself to accompany Brian to drop off and pick up Basil from the vet for his cardiac ultrasound. I didn’t even have to drive, all I had to do was sit in the passenger seat, and the place is literally five blocks away! That’s when I knew.
I’m angry that I have to stop playing hockey, but I know it isn’t forever, and I’m hoping I’ll be back on the ice after the holidays. Other people have had to stop playing for a while, so why should I be any different? Maybe it doesn’t hold as much sway for them. I don’t know.
I do know that I need time to think, to write, to blog. There’s been so much going on and blogging about it has helped in the past. I’ve been keeping too much inside, withdrawing from people. Always having a big smile to both the online world and the world outside my apartment when I manage to venture out. I can’t anymore.
Bipolar/Anxiety/BPD, Entertainment/Hobbies, Health/Fitness, The Hockey Journals
i just want you to know that you’re very brave–for making the decision, when it would be easier to avoid it–and very loved. very, very loved.
November 14, 2007 4:17 pm
::hugs::
taking care of your whole self is vitally important. and if it means no hockey - for a while - then it means no hockey for a while.
November 14, 2007 6:55 pm
It takes inner strength to take care of your self first. Don’t beat yourself up about having to take a break from hockey. I’m sure your teammates support your decision. Having the fibroid removed is sure to help.
November 15, 2007 11:43 am
I’m not going to lie. It’s good to have a non-hockey post for once. I wanna know more about Barb too.
November 15, 2007 2:06 pm
pantheranon, thanks.
Megan, thanks for the hugs. And as hard as that is to accept, yeah, I need a break from hockey. Truthfully, I worry that I’ll lose my place as netminder, though our captain/team manager has assured me that I’ll always have a place on the team. Last night I even had a dream that I was physically OK enough to play in tomorrow’s game that I skated up again! It was kind of depressing to tell you the truth — not the skating up part, but the desperation I exhibited in the dream, of wanting to be on the ice so badly and at almost any cost.
Holli, I don’t know how many of them know yet. Our captain/team manager hasn’t sent out an e-mail to the team, but we have practice tonight, so maybe she’ll break the news then. I do need to practice not beating myself up about this and other things. An acquaintance who also has fibroids told me that she has to be on hormonal therapy! So hopefully, having it removed will help, which means I’ll be able to get myself to my therapist appointments and work on issues such as not beating myself up.
April, I’m not going to lie, either. Since I got back on the ice, hockey has become my life. It’s not like I can hold a job, but I can play hockey. That it’s pretty much been the only thing I’ve been involved in for the past year isn’t necessarily a good thing, however; I realize that. I’d like to get back into metalsmithing and maybe even martial arts. And writing, blogging, reading other’s blogs!
Most importantly, I need to let out the feelings I’ve been holding in. Getting back into hockey has been great for me, but I’ve slowly realized that it’s also been at the expense of other things, including my health. Something had to give.
November 15, 2007 6:34 pm