Ready to Share My Medical Problems & What’s Been on My Mind Lately

See? This isn’t turning into just a hockey blog! Heehee. In this post, I’m going to discuss my butt problems and the fibroid. So if you gross out easily, go away and come back when I post my next hockey post, probably tomorrow.

I never did mention the butt test results, did I? Well, everything is fine except for the anal sphincter muscle that’s involuntary; everyone has two: one that you can control (that one’s fine), and one you can’t. Well, since it’s the involuntary muscle that’s the problem, they can’t perform surgery on or do any sort of physical therapy for it.

The one option I had was having an injection of some medication that would shrink the internal hemorrhoids (which doesn’t help with constipation) and form some scar tissue on that muscle. It’s supposed to help the incontinence by 5 - 10%. Woohoo. I’m supposed to have a follow-up appointment and possibly another injection when I see the doctor the first week of July.

He also told me that Asian women are prone to constipation — for some reason, our bodies absorb a lot of water, which is one of the things that causes constipation — the poop’s too dry to come out. Even his own wife, he assured me, has this problem, so I’m supposed to give myself an enema every morning. As if I haven’t been having enough trouble getting up in the morning lately, this new addition to my routine makes it harder to get out of bed. I’m slowly getting used to it, and through this experience, I learned that the backache I wake up with every day is from constipation. Doing this every morning is a serious pain in the ass, let me tell you.

As for the fibroid, I swear it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with it that my borderline symptoms started presenting again. I mean, I wasn’t throwing things and (overly) demanding, and making empty threats of hurting myself just a few months ago!

I’ve always started PMSing the second week into my Pill pack and it lasts the entire two weeks before I get my period. This wasn’t so bad when I’d only have one or two symptoms, like depression, or exhaustion, or increased appetite, decreased appetite, crankiness, cramps, backaches. Now, it’s all of the above! This is part of the reason I haven’t really been posting much. I just can’t live like this because I’m like this ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

The pdoc said to give my new Pill another cycle, since I started it only two weeks into my current cycle, and see if the symptoms improve. If not, he said to seriously consider having it removed. Kids are a luxury, he said. I spoke to my PCP about this, but he said unless Brian and I are planning to have kids in the next five years, I shouldn’t have it done. Or maybe I mentioned that in a previous post.

I mean, I’m so tired all the time, moody, I’ve lost my self-confidence (still have a few but minor accidents), I’m terrified of going to the gym, my anxiety is a little higher than usual since I never know when I’m going to get my period — I CAN’T STAND LIVING LIKE THIS!!!!

Now for a confession: I’ve been pregnant four times. Hopefully you won’t think less of me, but if you do, that’s your problem, I suppose. The first time was when I was 21, not even diagnosed, drinking and using drugs heavily, so no way was I having a kid. Plus, I, myself, was an accident and it made me think about how much my parents fought when I was a child and had been pretty miserable together ever since. I didn’t want that.

The second time, I was married to my first husband. However, I was on so much medication that there was a high risk for the newborn being very unhealthy.

The third time, I was divorced and an adult college student dating a grad student about my age. Miscarriage. At that time, I used to pass a flower shop on my way home from the el, and once a week I’d buy three daisies as a remembrance. I would like to continue doing that, except that Basil and Hopper used to eat the leaves and petals.

The last time was after Brian and I had already moved in together but we were both still in grad school and couldn’t afford to raise a child. That’s the one I regret the most because it would have been our baby. One of the things I want most in this world is not just the experience of raising a child, but the experience of childbirth. I doubt I’ll ever have the latter, and the pdoc said that even though he’s had friends who’ve had firstborn kids while in their late 40s, it’s too risky, especially for someone like me.

I was once against adopting, but now the idea is growing on me. Obviously, we have to settle our finances first, and it’d be nice to own our own home. With adoption, at least I know I’m helping someone, I won’t have to worry about him/her inheriting Brian’s or my mood disorders or cat allergies or even the fibroids that run in my family. The child may still develop any of those, but I would think it’d be less likely if s/he didn’t have our genes.

I want a chance to sign up for a Parent-Tot Learn-to-Skate class.