Borderline Trouble
For the past few nights I’ve exhibited disturbing BPD symptoms. These happen late at night: throwing things, picking fights with Brian, making him sleep on the couch, threatening to OD (not commit suicide, of course — just typical BPD attention-seeking behavior). It’s like I’m cracking up. It bothers me because I rarely behave this way anymore. The majority of the time, I don’t even present with enough symptoms to be considered BPD.
I’m thinking there’s a lot to this. For one, I’m due for my next ECT, which I’m having tomorrow, thank God. Brian says I’m like a cell phone now: my bars have obviously been low for the past couple of weeks, so I need to be recharged. :d Then all my other health problems.
And finally, God-damn, motherfucking WP 2.1.x. I’ve grown to dread blogging because any images I include never look the way they’re supposed to, and after hitting “Save and Continue Editing,” my anxiety mounts as I scroll down to look at the preview screen. Yeah, in this version, the preview text link is missing so you have to scroll.
The last straw was when I played two games Friday night, in which both my teams lost. Despite the fact that I had only 15 minutes between games, apparently played well according to my teammates and Brian (especially in my first game), I couldn’t see it. Didn’t believe it. All I could think about was how, in the two total seasons I’ve played, each one five years apart, I’ve won only one game. One! (Not counting the two scrimmages Tigers Orange played against a start-up team during the regular season this past year). I felt like a complete and utter loser — that I should quit playing hockey altogether.
Anyway, you’ll just have to wait for the game post (that I know you just can’t wait for ;), which Brian is going to help me write. I’m hoping to post it tomorrow.
Bipolar/Anxiety/BPD, Blogs/Blogging, Entertainment/Hobbies, Family/Marriage, Internet, The Hockey Journals
I’m confused. I know I’ve read of quite a few times where your team has won. So what are you referring to about not ever winning?
I hate when life’s problems snowball like that. That’s kinda how I was feeling Thursday.
April 15, 2007 5:31 pm
Isn’t hockey a team sport? You can’t blame yourself for losing when it’s up to the entire team to prevent the other team from scoring, not just the goalie. I know it’s difficult not to take all the blame, I do it myself, but try not to be hard on yourself.
As for the BPD symptoms, stress is a big trigger for most people and tends to make BPD more obvious and pronounced. Given all you’ve been dealing with, big & small, you might be under more stress than you even realize. Hopefully the ECT treatment will recharge your battery and make things better for you. Might also want to do something special for yourself, get a message or something, to help you relax a little.
Take care of you!!
April 15, 2007 11:54 pm
Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know, that’s easy for me to say but hockey is a team sport. You can’t lose the game all by yourself unless you’re playing every position. Now THAT’S something I’d like to see.
And as much as I hate to see you struggling with Wordpress 2.1, I’m really, really, really glad I never upgraded.
April 16, 2007 10:27 am
Hey…is it any consolation that I’ve lost the last 6 games on NHL 2007 for Xbox?
Just getting out there & playing makes you the tops in my book, I couldn’t do it! I can’t skate to save my life and fast moving small hard objects scare me
April 16, 2007 5:52 pm
jane, during the regular season my team (the Tigers, who are sponsoring the Spring Mixer I’m in now) — the beginning level — won only one game during the regular season. We won two other games, but they were just scrimmages that weren’t part of the league schedule. In these games, we were up against a team that was (is?) still forming, and most of the players had never played or skated before, and by that time we already had several games under our belts. Hope this clears things up!
Yes, Sid, you’re right. It is a team sport, but I do have a habit of blaming myself.
You’re also right about the stress I’ve been under. This past month has been incredibly stressful and my anxiety is through the roof. I just had my ECT today, which went well, but then I had a tantrum when we got home because the stupid Internet was down. According to Comcast, we had to replace the modem, but Brian had to be to work and there was no way I could drive anywhere.
Last time I had ECT, I didn’t bother canceling the facial I already had scheduled later that afternoon. It was a reckless of me to get in the car, and I was just exhausted later. Today, I think it was because of the Internet fit that I had. And…I’m about due for a pedicure, so I’m going to schedule one!
Ananke, you and Sid are right that hockey’s a team sport. And I’d much rather play hockey than figure skate, that’s for damn sure!
You’re also right about not upgrading. Talk about stress and a pain in the ass.
LOL, Zoe. I started playing as a forward in ’95 or ’96 when I first learned to skate, but then had to give up hockey because I went back to school. When I graduated three years later, part of my choice in grad schools was one that had a club team that allowed not just undergrads but grad students and staff, as well.
After the first half of the ’99 - ’00 season, the player we had who was trying out the goalie position didn’t like it. No one else wanted to do it, and I guess I was crazy enough to try it. And I loved it! I quit playing after the first half of the ’00 - ’01 season because of depression, and only started playing again this past season.
I actually feel a million times safer in goalie equipment and remember — last week I made a save with my helmet! Though I’ve only had two instances (recently) of formal instruction, I do remember our coaches (neither of whom were goalie coaches) at Ohio State repeatedly telling me to keep my body in front of the puck, and that’s stuck with me ever since.
April 16, 2007 11:03 pm
I blame myself for everything. It was all I could do not to start hitting and pinching myself today when I decided I didn’t want to take a loan using my car as collateral. With my bad credit the guy kind of had to work to get it for me and then I decided against it. So he doesn’t get his commission and I feel like a huge piece of crap. I know how the blame game goes!
April 18, 2007 4:10 am
Oh, God, so do I — even when no one’s blaming me! I have a tendency to blame myself. Honestly, I think it was the way I was raised.
April 18, 2007 4:37 pm