Of course I’d still like to write a novel, but ECT has really messed up my memory, particularly things like vocabulary, some cognitive abilities, and teaching different writing styles. Know that feeling of having a word on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t think what it is? Well, that’s how it is for me all the fucking time. And if I can’t fucking teach writing, let alone remember words, how the hell am I supposed to write? I don’t mean blogging, but like, specific writing genres like personal essays, research writing, poetry, and so on.

At least the ECT procedure is much more humane and refined in this century, and unlike Hemingway, I had ECT voluntarily (well, there wasn’t much left for me try in terms of meds). In fact, I’ve had more treatments than he did, but he ended up committing suicide because of them. I know I’ve quoted this here before, but I feel that it needs to be mentioned again.

According to the Citizens Commission on Human Rights:

Nobel Prize-winning author Ernest Hemingway was tricked into admitting himself to a psychiatric institution. He was given more than 20 electroshock treatments. The result devastated him. Shortly afterwards, he told a friend, “Well, what is the sense of ruining my head and erasing my memory, which is my capital, and putting me out of business? It was a brilliant cure but we lost the patient….” In July 1961, days after being released from the Mayo psychiatric clinic, Hemingway committed suicide.

By the way, according to Neil A. Grauer, in the article “Remembering Papa” published in the July/August 1999 issue of Cigar Aficionado, Hemingway supposedly bought the gun he used to off himself from Abercrombie. I shop there sometimes. How fucked up is that? At least they don’t sell weapons anymore.

See more progress on: write a novel

I owed the public library all of $1.30 since August 2004 and today I finally paid it! I don’t know why it took me so long; it isn’t like the library is far from where I live or anything, but at least I can now scratch this off my list.

Actually, I owe a huge fine to my undergrad library, but that’s because they think I lost a book I checked out that I have yet to return. However, we’ve moved, so now I need to find it again! I’m sure it’s around here somewhere, and once I return it they won’t make me pay the fine. Besides, it’s a book that a former prof for whom I was a research assistant needs from time to time, so maybe he can use some of his influence for me. Heehee.

See more progress on: pay my library fines

The Tigers Go Fishing

Guest post by the bloggohusband.

The Evanston Tigers Orange played their final game of the season this past Friday, February 17, 2007, losing to the Frozen Snappers Silver team 6 – 3. See the game pics here.

For the first period-and-a-half, it looked like the Tigers were going to go out on a high note — outskating and outshooting the Fish (to whom the Tigers had lost three times already this season by a total of 19 goals) during a scoreless first period and taking a 1 – 0 lead on a #95 – Rosie “Jax” Tuper goal mid-way through the second.

However, it was (almost) all Snappers after that — with the Tigers being outscored 6 – 2 and outshot 20 – 6 in the last half of the game. Rosie Tuper and #7 – Tina Croniser added the second and third Tigers goals, respectively.

Despite the outcome, the Tigers did play well — especially in the game’s first half — and showed considerable improvement over their earlier games. And Barb also continued to improve — stopping a number of breakaways and maintaining good positioning throughout the game. Though the stats don’t show it, she probably outplayed the Snappers’ goalie and had one of her better games.

For the year, the Tigers finished 3 – 11 – 3. However, when broken down by level of opponent, it’s clear that the Tigers played well against those teams at their own level and struggled when they had to play against more advanced squads, especially earlier in the year. As the Tigers’ last two games (1 – 1 tie vs. the Michiana Sting and 6 – 3 loss vs. the Frozen Snappers) show, they’re more or less playing at a Blue (intermediate) level now.

copyright Women’s Central Hockey League

Barb has one more game this season, subbing for the Glacier Vixens on Sunday, March 4, 2007; and then the Tigers-hosted Spring Mixer hockey league begins in about a month. So, don’t worry — you can still get your hockey fix here.

Oh, and I forgot to mention drop-in rat hockey, too, at the local ice rink on Tuesday mornings. Barb went today for the first time in two or three months. Although it’s co-rec, she’s the only woman that plays, but holds her own against the men, who are mainly cops. Once Thursday night practices are over (after this week), she’ll probably start playing Friday mornings, too.

So far she doesn’t have any hockey scheduled for Wednesdays, but I’m sure she’ll find something soon….

I saw my pdoc for the first time today since I finished the initial six ECT treatments over the past two weeks. I thought I’d be able to have the maintenance ECTs every 6 – 8 weeks, but he told me that it’s supposed to be done every four weeks. Well, as I mentioned not too long ago, at least I know what to expect as far as how it’ll affect my memory, and now it’s conclusive — the ECT is what helped me last year.

Something I hadn’t mentioned is that the shock doc who did it last year (a.k.a. The Emperor — you know, shock therapy, Force Lightning — same thing ) didn’t do it this time around because he was on vacation. There’s a younger shock doc (also the medical director of the PHP program I went to last year) who sometimes covered for him last year, but for some reason, the hospital scheduled me with a third shock doc — one I’d never met before and who rubbed me the wrong way immediately.

The Emperor is totally, totally cool, would joke around with me and stuff and make me feel at ease. The younger one doesn’t quite have the same sense of humor, but he’s very sweet and also made me feel at ease. Well, this third guy, on the first day, he just breezed into the room, didn’t bother introducing himself to me, and next thing I knew, I was out. Then on the second or third session, the anesthetist was late, so I made a joke and told the shock doc to just punch me out and give me something to bite down on so we could get it over with. I made him laugh at least.

When I first told my pdoc how I felt about this third shock doc, my doctor assured me that he was the best. But then, last Wednesday when I was having the fifth treatment done on an outpatient basis, well, I was already anxious because my mom was the one who took me. I can’t remember if it was snowing that day, but there was plenty on the ground. I’m supposed to be there by 10am, and the actual procedure is scheduled for 11. Do you know how much this sucked when I was inpatient? I wouldn’t even get to eat breakfast because by the time I was done, it was lunchtime. The other doctors schedule theirs much, much earlier.

Anyway, my mom lives near Water Tower, drove all the way to the northwest side to pick me up, and then halfway back to her neighborhood to Lincoln Park, which is where Death Star Hospital is located. We got there in time. Then, while I’m in the little room where they do the ECT, which is just off of a central nurses’ station in the outpatient OR area, the nurses get a phone call from this shock doc to say that he was just leaving his house. WTF?! Needless to say, I was incredibly pissed off. So much so, that I called (or maybe Brian called) my regular pdoc to say that I wasn’t going to bother going back for the sixth treatment last Friday. But I sucked it up and went.

So today I finally had my appointment with my regular pdoc, explained everything that happened with this other shock doc, and know what my doctor said? “That’s it — he’s fired.” Woohoo! I love my pdoc!!!!! My next treatment will be four weeks from this past Friday, but my pdoc is going to make sure it’s with The Emperor. Does my pdoc rock, or what?

He also said that this is the best he’s seen me in a long time, and is proud of me for working hard to lose all that extra weight. The things I need to work on now are getting past my anxiety without having to rely on meds so much (Klonopin) and regaining my independence — you know, not having to rely on Brian so much to take me places and stuff.

One of the first steps we took towards this was to get me a new goalie bag — one with wheels, so I can haul it around myself. I’m planning to start going back to rat hockey tomorrow morning. In fact, I need to get going because I’m going to practice with the Glacier Vixens tonight, for whom I’m subbing as goalie when they play the Carol Stream Fighting Squirrels in a few weeks. It’s just too bad that tonight’s their last practice. Normally I’d be super anxious, but I’m looking forward to it because I already know several of their players, some of whom I played with on the Tigers about ten years ago!

It really wasn’t until this past August or September that I started getting serious about working out, mainly because I started playing hockey again. And it worked!

When I started this endeavor a couple of years ago, I weighed 141 lbs., then ended up gaining 6 more. My goal was to get dowh to 120 lbs., and I’m now at 119.8. Yay, me!!!!! I briefly considered trying to lose 4 to 5 more lbs., but as Brian pointed out, all the weight I have now is muscle. Sure, there’s still a teeny bit of flab around my tummy, but nothing that the Medieval Torture Machine — I mean, the Ab Cruncher machine at the gym can’t fix.

I didn’t change my diet all that much, either, though because of my GI problems, I’ve tried to avoid dairy products when possible. So I’ve been drinking soy lattes. For the most part, though, I still pretty much eat whatever and as much as I want, but I’ve really tried to cut out junk food.

This is a really big thing for me, and I’m totally proud of myself!!!!!

See more progress on: Lose 20 pounds