My pdoc is, indeed, the Godfather of Psychiatry in the Chicago area. He’s managed to pull some strings to find a bed for me at his hospital, even though we don’t have insurance. In the past, he and I agreed that if I had to be inpatient, I’d go to the Death Star Hospital (where he has some admitting privileges) because his own is too much like Cuckoo’s Nest, but not nearly as bad as the state hospitals.

No, I’m not being hospitalized–only if I need to be once I start taking the EMSAM on Monday. It would be for observation, not because I’m a danger to myself or others. I mean, this is a new medication, not just for me but in general. I’m a bit scared to be on it because even though at low doses it doesn’t have the usual dietary restrictions, you still can’t take OTC decongestants, drink tap beer, and all sorts of other stuff that I probably don’t consume anyway, except for Benadryl. The pdoc said I should be scared. Great. Sounds a little like Yoda to me, except that Luke said he wasn’t afraid and Yoda said he would be. OK, now I’m mixing up my movie metaphors.

Some readers have expressed a concern that my pdoc’s office might run out of samples, but I’ve been assured that they have tons and tons of this stuff. Besides, the job interviews have been coming in for Brian, we finally got our COBRA papers, and a family member has offered to help pay for that if necessary (yes, it’ll probably be necessary).

My mood has lifted some, but my energy is still absolutely zapped. I don’t know how I made it to, let alone through, my game last night, which was very exciting, but I’ll leave that as a cliffhanger. It’ll force me to blog again as soon as the pictures are developed.

All I want to do is go back to bed, but I’m forcing myself to get in the shower as soon as I hit “Publish.” Then we’re going to Borders to get The Human Stain by Philip Roth, which is Februrary’s book/movie of the month for the Book/Movie Club, and I’m determined to finally make it to a meeting. Tonight we’re going to play SW RPG with our gaming group, which we haven’t in months, and tomorrow afternoon we’re checking out the first meeting of a local Peer-Support Group for people with mood disorders.

“Cause I ain’t goin out like a spineless jellyfish
Some say life is a bitch
Ask that punk who dug his own ditch”
–Cypress Hill, “Hand on the Pump”
copyright 1991

We got a call from my pdoc’s office on Monday to say they received a shipment of EMSAM samples. They scheduled me for an appointment on Tuesday (free of charge!) and gave me several boxes. Unfortunately, you have to be completely off of trazodone for seven days, so I can’t start using these until Monday. If we had insurance, or at least COBRA (for which we have yet to receive the information), the pdoc would have me in the hospital under observation so I could start this stuff sooner.

I hadn’t showered or changed clothes since Saturday morning, and I went to a hockey clinic (as a forward) Saturday night and played Sunday night. Pretty gross, huh? Well, that’s typical of depression. I’m now clean and showered, but it took all of my energy just to do that.

Anyway, thought I’d let you all know. Time to eat a late lunch.

The SSA sent forms to both Brian and me to fill out. WTF? Luckily, my CM mostly filled out mine for me and had me do the rest. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, and then he faxed them where they needed to go, so they’d get there faster.

Still waiting. . .

See more progress on: apply for disability

(Click on the images to enlarge–they’re sequential, sort of.)

I was baffled by the score, because the last time we played this team on November 20th, the final score was 8 – 1. I was like, wow, they’ve really improved. Then I heard that our skaters were told to “be nice.” Also, the real score should have been 5 – 2, but it bounced in and out of the net so fast that the ref missed it. I think they had some other players out there who weren’t there before, but whatever. We’re wearing lights because not everyone on our team brought their dark jerseys.

Anyway, according to Brian’s notes, the first goal they scored passed across the crease. I was in good position for the first skater but had no defensive help on the second skater (the shooter). I made a good dive to try to stop the shot, but just couldn’t make it.

On the second goal, I faced a breakaway and stopped the first shot, as well as the first rebound, but they scored on the second rebound. I was down on the ice so there wasn’t much I could do. Still, my teammates told me that I played a great game, so I tried not to beat myself up over it and need to trust in what they tell me.

Normally I write these game posts one or two days after they happen, but as most of you know, it’s been so hard for me to do just about anything, let alone upload the pictures and then blog about the game. We’ll be scrimmaging against them again tonight.

See the game pics here.

I saw the pdoc today. He said that most of my depression is, as I suspected, situational. However, he agreed that not being able to/wanting to leave the house, drive myself places, etc. is again, as I suspected, heading towards clinical. He mentioned how last spring/summer he and the shock doc discussed having me on maintenance ECT (once a month), but right now I have no insurance. And even if I had insurance, I’m not sure I’m ready to go through that again.

Although my memory has improved, there are stupid little things that I have to ask Brian (or anyone else) every single day, like, “How do you wash the wooly socks again? In warms or colds?” Nearly every day I have to ask this. As I sit here and write this, I think they go in colds, but I’m not even 90% positive.

The next thing to try is EMSAM, the MAOI patch that has no dietary restrictions like traditional MAOI meds. The problem is, it’s new and doesn’t come in a generic form, and I’m sure it’s expensive.

My next appointment is in three weeks. I’m hoping things will have improved by then. Oh, I didn’t make it to the gym on Monday or Tuesday, or to rat hockey on Tuesday, but I did go to the gym last night, and I’m about to take a nap so I can make it to hockey practice tonight.