I have my teammate, #8 Katie “Schweigs” (my personal Boba Fett, puck hunting, defense(wo)man), to thank for this. This post, BTW, is dedicated to NYC Watchdog. Be sure to listen to the appropriate theme music as you read my hockey bio!
Darth Goalie, Dark Lord of the Tigers, was the scourge of other women’s hockey teams, a mistress of the dark side of the Ice, and one of the Coach’s most trusted servants. She wasn’t always a fearsome enforcer-of-the-pipes, however.
She began life as Barb Natividad, a young punk from Chicago skilled as a right winger and strong on the Ice. Barb’s very origins are mysterious. Her mother revealed that there was no biological father (or so she probably wishes 
). Inexplicably, she became pregnant with the Ice-prodigy and carried her to term. Some among the Tigers believed this to be part of an ancient prophecy of a Chosen One, willed into life by the midi-chlorians, who would bring balance to an increasingly darkening Ice. There was another possibility, though. The goaltender could have been the creation of sinister Goaltending manipulations, as other Dark Lords of the Ice conspired to bring about the perfect apprentice by coaxing life from lifelessness.
Once discovered by a maverick Tiger recruiter, Barb was taken before the Tigers to be trained. There was some controversy on the subject — despite the recruiter’s adamant assurances that Natividad was the one spoken of in the prophecy, the Tigers were hesitant to allow her training at the age of 37.
…Barb was renamed Darth Goalie. The Orange Tigers conspiracy, which had been festering in the shadows of the WCHL for 11 years, sprang into action. The Coach elevated himself to the position of Emperor, and dispatched Darth Goalie as his ultimate enforcer. With her unparalleled Ice abilities, Darth Goalie blocked the slapshots, backhands, and coasting shots on net. She led her elite Orange Tiger trooper forces through the polished rinks of metro Chicago, cutting a swath of death and destruction through the remaining women’s hockey teams in Illinois.
Imperial March composed by John Williams
the rest is copyrighted by Lucasfilm
This is the most awesomest bio I have ever read. It even has its own theme music. I love it. I bow down to the dark lord of the ice. My only quibble: Why is the height in meters? I’m not European! (Please don’t force-choke me, thank you.)
Because there’s no U.S. system of measurement in the Galactic Empire, silly! Don’t worry, I won’t Force choke you.
Force strong with this one. Quake the pucks at her sight.
Hi, Andy, thanks for stopping by and welcome! Yes, we are practically neighbors! If you’re looking for a lovely assistant for any of your performances, don’t hesitate to contact me!
My husband recently lost his job, and I’m still in the process of applying for SSDI. Although my CM told me not to look for jobs right now, I’m sure a gig here and there would be OK. :p Oh, yeah–don’t let the Vader mask fool you! :p
Dawgg, I really have to get my helmet painted now. And hunt down a Sith Lord hockey jersey. Maybe even Force choke someone who owns one, if I have to. But not you, of course.
Hey who said I was part of the Empire? I’m somewhere on one of the fringe worlds. Still trying to figure out which one.
I didn’t say you were part of the Empire, but since everyone else on Earth except the U.S. uses the metric system, it makes sense that they would in the…I guess I should have said Galactic Universe.
Just stopping by because I saw you on Dawn’s (Webmiztris) blog.
We’re practically neighbors. I’m in the suburbs now but get out to the city often for work.
Anyway, great looking blog here. Way cool.
You’re doing well, my young apprentice, let the Dark Side guide your steps, errrr, hockey stick.
Hahahaha!
Awesome read Barb, just what I needed today.
Hahahaha, that was great. I also bow down to the Dark Lord of the Ice. Now I’m going to have to look for my Empire Strikes Back CD and listen to the Death March. Yes, I’m that geeky.
Silver, glad I could put a smile on your face, though I do have to give credit to my teammate, Katie, too.
Ananke, no need! Just press play on that embedded flash thing at the top of the post and you can listen to the march to your heart’s content! I got you, baby!
But dig it out, anyway–this all started when I mentioned in an e-mail how cool it would be if I could stop a puck with the palm of my hand, like that dining room scene in ESB. That’s why Katie’s “my personal Boba Fett”!
Very cool, and a tad scary!
Cool? Cool??? Don’t you mean fabulous?
After your comment on Dan’s site about Darth Goalie, I had to take a read
You’d make a pretty mean Sith Lord. Oh, I saw the reference to the DLOTS trade paperback. Great series (and Kevin J. Anderson has done some great work lately on the Dune prequels, btw).
Hi, Chris, welcome! I felt that it’d be tacky to leave a link directly to my blog on Dan’s, but I figured you’d find your way here. It was your destiny.
I actually haven’t started reading DLOTS yet–the newest issue of Legacy finally came out and I haven’t gotten to that, either. Since it’s been so long since issue 4, now I have to start reading from issue 1 again! But I’m totally digging it, so I’m not complaining. :d
Actually, I’m not a fan of KJA at all, and especially not of his comics. To be honest, I can’t stand the TOTJ series, but since my ECT, I’ve forgotten a lot of SW lore, plus there are tons of the comics I own but haven’t yet read, so I thought I’d try reading everything in chronological order. I did, however, enjoy the Jedi Academy Trilogy.
Tempest, the newest novel in the Legacy of the Force series just came out, so I may have to put DLOTS on hold for a while! Darth Bane: Path of Destruction, which is now the very first novel in the EU is still sitting on a shelf, but like I said, I want to read (or in some cases re-read) the EU in chronological order, and DLOTS takes place first.
I need to read Tempest myself. I enjoyed the first book in the Legacy of the Force, and the new Legacy comic was pretty good. DLOTS is pretty important in the EU canon I will admit and has my favorite Sith, Exar Kun
I liked the first book, but I LOVED the second one because Boba Fett was a main character–and he’s one of my absolute favorites. The only things I know about Exar Kun is that he was a Sith Lord back in the day, which is exactly why I need to read DLOTS and the rest of TOTJ.
lmao, I needed that!
You can never go wrong with the Fett-man
Ratty, I knew you’d like it! Hockey and SW–a great combination! (y)
Chris, absolutely not! I LOVE him! I’ve even read the young Boba Fett series. :$
Women’s hockey kicks ass! Too bad I don’t get it where I live. (y)
It’s still a growing sport, so it’s not all that surprising. Just remind me not to move to wherever you are!