I didn’t realize how bad my depression is until I actually cried today because I didn’t get the Winter-themed sidebar on Neopets, which is just an online virtual pet site where you can play Flash games and earn Neopoints, but that isn’t the important part. The fact that I cried–and I mean, bawled–about it is.

Because my sleep schedule has been so screwy, I totally forgot to post a Friday Cat Blogging post! And I had a really good one for this week, too.

Or maybe I’m just tired of not being able to get things. With some of our Christmas money, I got Brian Madden ?07 for Xbox 360. I was supposed to get one or two Star Wars LEGO sets, but no one has any in stock! Not even the LEGO store!

I’m tired of waiting for things. Waiting to see if I’ll get disability. Waiting to see if I can get Medicaid. Waiting to see if we can file Chapter 7, after all, as opposed to Chapter 13 (I haven’t blogged about why we may not be able to–has to do with the means test). I’m fucking sick of waiting. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

My only goal for today was to take a damn shower. It’s after 7:00 p.m. and I have yet to do that. I just can’t drag myself in there, but I’m beginning to feel icky enough to do so.

This sucks ass.

The number of parties we attended was overwhelming, mainly because they were all on consecutive nights. They were fun, though, and I was especially glad to see our families, particularly Brian’s because they all live out-of-state so we don’t get to see them often. My only regret is that we couldn’t stay longer than 15 hours, eight of which were spent sleeping–the trazodone has been working; I just need to force myself to take it at a decent hour.

Unfortunately, all of these gatherings have left me bitter and even more depressed than I have been. I’d rather not go to something rather than show up empty-handed. And all the Christmas money we received? Pretty much all going towards bills. Even our birthday money and gift cards this past year have been spent on necessities. The only reason I was able to get Brian a belated (by two months) birthday present was because of the Holiday Savings Rewards or whatever that I accrued on my Borders Rewards account. How depressing and demoralizing is that?

We did spend money on proper protective goalie equipment for me, namely neck and pelvic protectors. The neck protector I’ve been using is really for skaters, and I began to suspect that my pelvic protector wasn’t made for goalies when I took a shot there playing with the guys. It didn’t hurt, but I noticed that it didn’t absorb the impact as much as the rest of my goalie-type padding does. I consider those as needs, rather than wants. The only reason we haven’t bought them yet is because we haven’t had the money.

As for the depression, it’s worse. I never want to leave the house, so I haven’t worked out since Brian lost his job. He almost literally has to drag me outside in order for me to get anywhere. If he didn’t drive me to practices and games, which he’s done all season, I probably wouldn’t even be playing hockey. Yesterday, it was like pulling teeth to get me to see our couples counselor, and we really needed to see her since we’ve missed our past few appointments. Earlier in the year she suggested that I get out for at least an hour a day. I started getting good at it, even driving myself to places I needed/wanted to go, like my metalsmithing class and rat hockey, but I’ve regressed so much. It’s frustrating and sad.

I will get around to reading everyone’s blogs, but things seem to be happening in slow motion for me lately. Anyone else know what I mean?

Been busy with holiday gatherings the past three nights, and tomorrow–well, later this morning–we’ll be driving to Iowa to visit Brian’s family. We’ll be back on Friday, though. Hmm. Maybe I shouldn’t even bother sleeping tonight.

In the meantime, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! So my present to you is a rendition of “Jingle Bells” you may never have heard before!

[audio:http://bloggochicago.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/ModSong.mp3]

It’s supposed to be a hockey bag, but now it’s a Hopper bag. She seized it for herself while I was airing it out and letting my gear dry. *sigh* You can see a close-up here.

Why am I posting this so early? Because I haven’t slept yet! Argh!