To All the Guys I’ve Fucked Before
Several bloggers I know have written posts similar to this one. It’s been mainly women bloggers writing these and marking them private, which is understandable. Past lovers are listed, the situation(s) described, and maybe a note written to the person telling them what they think of said person now.
I’m not going to write a similar post because there’s no way I’d be able to remember how many men I’ve slept with, and it isn’t just because of the ECT. There were plenty: several one-night stands, “play dates” with guys who already had girlfriends, you name it. Even if I could remember the exact number, I’d need more than just my fingers and toes to count all the guys.
Most of this happened between the ages of 20 and 23. Go ahead and call me a slut. I suppose I was. All of this occurred before I was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorders (BPD) in 1994, when I was 24. One of the DSM-IV criteria for BPD is this:
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
(All the criteria can be found here.)
Once I was in treatment and on the proper medication, this behavior stopped. Before that, I had the idea in my head that the more men I slept with, the more attractive I was. I grew up with both parents telling me I was ugly, and especially that my lips were too big. In Mrs. Monahan’s eighth grade reading class, this guy Mike drew a picture of a giant pair of lips with a teeny, tiny body attached to it and wrote my name on it. This drawing was passed around, and as you can imagine, elicited many snickers and “furtive” looks my way. I saw the picture. I did nothing about it.
To this day, I am very self-conscious about my lips, but at least I only have sex with my husband.
I’m not going to post such a list either because it really doesn’t matter who I slept with. What’s done is done and writing about isn’t going to change anything.
November 25, 2006 7:15 pm
That is so messed up. Parents should be supportive of you no matter what, even if you were the elephant child. Especially if you were the elephant child. But really, I don’t know what these people are talking about. Luscious lips aren’t ugly at all! Look at how many people lust after Angelina Jolie. Forget them, you’re hot.
November 25, 2006 7:41 pm
That’s just crazy. I write a lot of shit on my blog, but… Of course I don’t think that most of my readers really care to hear about all the guys I’ve fucked, girls yes, but not the guys, and really I’m past having to list my conquests. I don’t really understand what the point of that is, what is it supposed to accomplish?
I’d never call you a slut. We all have to make our own journeys in life, and it’s your life to live. The important thing is that you’re happy now.
November 25, 2006 10:49 pm
Denise, true enough.
GDG, my parents didn’t know how to parent. My sister’s convinced (she’s eight years younger; brother’s ten years younger) that they turned out “OK” because our grandparents raised them. Both sets (except my paternal grandfather who died when I was six) lived with us and took care of my younger siblings. My parents were hardly ever home and to me, always felt like more of an older brother and sister. Long, long story there.
And hey, even I lust after Angelina Jolie! LOL!
zoe, I’m not sure why people are writing these posts, but the ones I’ve read weren’t so much a list of conquests as they were an opportunity to address some of the wrongs that were done to them. A lot of the women were taken advantage of in their teens and I think this gave them a chance to finally vent.
November 25, 2006 11:19 pm
I will NEVER post about that on my blog. LOL EEP.
I love your lips…they look kissably soft…I mean, not that I would….well, I would but you would think I was weird(er).
November 26, 2006 3:26 am
Yes, vent is the word Barb, and for me it’s just something to write that maybe someone else will think to themself “Oh, that happened to me to” I’ll finish my “list” one of these days!
And some women pay big money for luscious lips, you’re just one of the lucky ones that doesn’t have to!
November 26, 2006 9:08 am
Your lips are hot! Isn’t it interesting that women now pay big bucks for full lips!
I’d call you a slut, but then we’d had to form a ’slut club’ cuz I did the same thing when I was manic. That behavior (I’m sure you know this) is also listed under hypomania for Bipolar Disorder.
I can’t believe your parents were so cruel. Unfortunately, that type of thing sticks in our minds, whether or not it’s true. And it ISN’T.
You are beautiful, Barb. Both inside & out.
November 26, 2006 11:44 am
I had this thing about not making it into the double digits and am pretty glad I did it. For some reason I think I felt sexier turning guys down…I was much more of a tease than anything.
Although my bf who’s 10 years older than me has had less partners than me…go figure.
November 26, 2006 1:44 pm
Ugh, kids can be cruel but I can’t believe your parents would say something like that to you! Your lips look fine. I wish I had lips like that, mine are pencil-thin. Yuck.
As far as I can see, there’s only one thing to do about this situation. We of The Sisterhood must track down Mike from Mrs. Monahan’s eigth grade reading class, duct tape him to a chair and draw ugly pictures of him until he cries like a little baby! Yeah!!! Or we could just kick his ass. Whichever feels better.
November 26, 2006 5:32 pm
KG, you can always add it to your Six Weird Things About Me post. Then I might think you’re weird. LOL! But then so might the rest of the blogosphere.
delite, and that’s exactly the vibe I got from reading the posts that people wrote about their past lovers.
jane and delite, I know–I find it truly ironic now that women pay huge amounts of money to have full lips. That whole Botox thing scares me. They even make lipsticks now that are supposed to make your lips look fuller. I guess I was just ahead of my time! (*)
Robin, that behavior is totally attributable to the bipolar and BPD. I can definitely say that I didn’t make it into the triple digits, though!
Ananke, my parents sucked, though my relationships with each of them now is different. I guess their suckiness when I was a kid is part of the reason I don’t write about them so much, though I may soon. I know I keep saying I’m going to write these private posts, but I just haven’t got around to it because they’d be longer than normal, I think. And I write long posts as it is!
You know, I considered posting that asshole of an “artist’s” full name, but Brian talked me out of it. However, I do know for a fact that he wasn’t circumcised until eighth grade! Hmm…I may have even heard about it in Mrs. Monahan’s class! :d
November 27, 2006 12:28 am
If I hadn’t met Erik at age 24 I’m sure the number would have gone much higher.
November 27, 2006 6:51 am
My list is surprisingly short, but I am not sure if it would be well received from a man blogger.
November 27, 2006 9:18 am
What’s wrong with sex? I wish I had slept with more men. I understand the mania thing, though. Sometimes I go through long periods of time without sex (once for 4 years!) because I am afraid that I will sleep around if I am manic. And not just sleep around but, sleep around with axe murderers, you know?
Full lips are as SEXY AS ALL HELL!
November 27, 2006 11:05 am
Robin, you never know.
logtar, probably not–but that’s the weird thing. The original post was written by a man, but I’m pretty sure it’s anonymous.
CSF, like jane said, having sex with lots of people is a symptom of mania. And some of the guys I slept with–I had just met that night and never saw again, so for all I know they were/are axe murderers!
Everyone seems to agree about the full lips thing. I think I’m over it for the most part now, but sometimes I still feel self-conscious. I don’t wear a lot of make-up, usually just mascara and maybe a tinted lip balm, and that’s if I wear any at all. I guess I’m more self-conscious about it if we’re going somewhere fancy and I’m wearing full make-up, lipstick and all.
November 27, 2006 3:44 pm
I’m just glad not to have to do the dating thing anymore…I don’t miss it.
November 27, 2006 4:55 pm
Amen to that!
November 27, 2006 9:51 pm
I find pouty lips to be sexy. Think Angelina Jolie. It is a privilege those kind of lips!
November 28, 2006 12:26 pm
Her lips??? I’d rather have her income! :p
November 28, 2006 12:30 pm
and yes that one too!
November 29, 2006 1:05 am
People can be such assholes. I didn’t sleep around a lot but I got hornswoggled (I love that word!) into some situations that I regretted because I had no self esteem either. Now if some guy trys to get down my pants by telling me I’m beautiful I just say, “Yeah, now tell me something I don’t know!”
December 1, 2006 12:34 am
Great answer!!!! (y)
December 1, 2006 12:49 am