Last night, when we met with our couples counselor, I told her that my biggest fear is to fall into another depressive episode. According to an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry (online), “In the United States, 85% of patients with an episode of major depression go on to have a recurrence (3), with an apparent increase in severity with each subsequent episode (5)”. I can’t even count on one hand how many depressive episodes I’ve had.
After these past couple of months of doing so well, I’m afraid I’m crashing again. I know what my symptoms are, and these are the most recent ones: difficulty getting out of bed; difficulty getting myself to do anything other than sit in front of the computer and “waste time” playing online games; difficulty making decisions; lack of personal hygiene. This last one is what’s been bothering me the most.
I’ve been showering every day, especially on the days I go to the gym, but the last few nights that I’ve come home late from hockey, I’ve gone straight to bed after taking my meds because I’m afraid that a shower will stimulate me and that I’ll be up ’til 4:00 in the morning. That sort of makes sense. However, where I was vigilant about my nightly skincare routine before, I’ve been a complete slacker in the past week or so–and I’ve been complaining about the condition of my skin, because even though I take care of it, wearing a goalie helmet doesn’t help reduce breakouts. And it isn’t like we can afford for me to have facials on a regular basis. I need an extraction bad, bad, bad, even though they’re painful!
I was unable to sleep last night and got to bed later than I should have, though I can’t remember what time. I couldn’t get up this morning when Brian was leaving for work, though I did get out of bed by 10:00 a.m. Still, I couldn’t make myself go to the gym. The rest of the day has been complete and utter shit, and it wasn’t until after 4:00 p.m. that I finally managed to drag myself into the shower–never mind the fact that I’d had a leak in my underpants and have my period. I know that’s gross, but it is what it is. I hope to God that my biggest fear isn’t coming true.
Sounds like you’re doing great, keep your head out of those psychiatry journals though:
According to an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry: ?In the United States, 85% of patients with an episode of major depression have recently read the American Journal of Psychiatry.?
See, I told ya.
Thanks for the laugh, Anita. I really needed it! (y)
Don’t say that Barb. You’re just tired and it’s normal. You haven’t push yourself physically in a long time, and your body might be telling you to take it easy. I think you haven’t been “normal” in so long that anything that could be “normal”, you think might be associated with depression. Now that you’re doing better, recall the times when you thought that if you were tired, it was just “normal”.
Yes, that is totally true! I’m so used to what the depression is like that I’m no longer familiar with my “normal” range of emotions. You know what, though? Since I stopped taking the Rozerem just a couple of nights ago, I’ve already felt better. (y)
You’re right–I’ve been putting my body through a lot lately, and thank God this weekend is completely hockey-free, unless I decide to go my team’s annual Turkey Scrimmage tomorrow (anyone can play, friends, family, as long as they have equipment), but I’ve decided to have a quiet evening at home.
Also, now that my metalsmithing class is over (I know, I konw, I need to take and post pictures of my projects), that helps, too. Although I’m signing up for the short four-week course that starts next Friday! :d