Pre-Game Anxiety and/or PMS

Today we’ll be playing the Skokie Jets once again. They creamed us 8 – 0 the last time we played them. I didn’t make it to rat hockey this week so I didn’t get in that extra day of game situation practice because of my breakdown at the gym on Tuesday, though I did go to practice last night. Maybe I just feel anxious because I didn’t play goalie last week.

That reminds me, I found out last night that I had an assist on the first goal we scored in last week’s game. I was ecstatic when I first heard, but now, right now, for some reason I feel so depressed that I could cry and for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I know it has to do with this frickin’ PMS, which has messed up my entire week.

I’m sure this anxiety is also due to the fact that my sleep is messed up. The pdoc gave me some 3 mg. samples of Lunesta to take with my usual 2 mg. of Klonopin on the nights that I have practice or late games. I usually don’t get home ’til after midnight, plus I have to take a shower, etc., and I’m wide awake from all that physical activity. Normally, I like to be asleep by 11:00 p.m. I can’t tell you the last time that has happened. In addition, Brian had a meeting with his boss and the HR Director who delineated his hours (9:00 a.m. – 5:30 p.m.) and the number of hours he’s supposed to work per day, even if he takes time off under the FMLA.

Because of this, we have been trying to get to bed earlier so that we can be out the door by 6:30 a.m. and on the way to the gym so by the time we’re through working out, he can be at the office by 9:00. So far, it’s been 9:30, except for yesterday, which was just an absolute horrid day that it’s hard to even write about it.

Basically, I felt depressed and anxious. I wanted to take all of the Lunesta and Klonopin in the medicine cabinet, cut myself, whatever. I wasn’t suicidal, but I felt that I would be safer in the hospital than at home, especially by myself. I was terrified that I would do something stupid to hurt myself somehow.

Had things gone as planned since we were already awake and I was dressed in my gym clothes, Brian would have made it to work by 9:30. Instead, he didn’t get there until about 2:30 p.m. because he didn’t want to leave me by myself. And I just didn’t have the fight in me. I put my pajamas back on and went back to bed. Maybe not getting enough sleep (I don’t think I fell asleep until after 1:00 a.m.) and the PMS is causing this.

I woke up around 11:00 a.m., which worries me because since the depression went into remission, I haven’t required more than eight hours of sleep. Lately, it seems like I need ten or 12 hours. Anyway, Brian encouraged me to go work out, which we did, and it made me feel better like I knew (and he knew) it would, but not all that much better. I didn’t want to go to practice last night or play in the game today. It was raining really hard by the time we had to leave for the rink, but I went.

At the beginning of practice I got tired out much quicker than usual, which also worried me. Afterwards, Brian pointed out that it was because the coach had us doing a drill that required a lot more movement from me than I would normally even see in a game. It was a good drill, though.

I know that I no longer have clinical depression because I’ve had so much more energy these past couple of months than I have in the last couple of years. This week has been a different story. I am just so zapped. I’m hoping it’s just because of the PMS, which annoys me because I don’t ever remember having PMS symptoms that are this bad! My biggest fear is that I’m going into another depression. This is the worst time of the year for me.

Well, I don’t know if I’ll spend much more time online to read blogs. I can take 1 mg. of Klonopin PRN, and I think I might just do that now, then lie down and read and take a nap if I have to. The game isn’t until 6:30, so I have a couple of hours to relax.