Am I not the epitome of incontinence haute couture, or what? Yeah, that’s a pair of fucking Depends that I’m wearing. Since I don’t have to be at the hospital for at least another hour, I thought I’d write a post while I still have my humor about me. Anyway, if you or anyone you know ever needs to have a colonoscopy, here’s what to expect when you prepare for it. If you’re squeamish, don’t read further.
The day before the procedure you’ll be required to be on a clear liquid diet, between 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. in my case. In other words, you can only consume anything that you can see through. Black coffee is included in this. The only things you should avoid are anything red or purple like cranberry or grape juice. I imagine this may mask any blood that might be in your insides that shouldn’t be there.
So yesterday, I had several bottles of energy (vitamin) waters and two cans of chicken broth, which should be low sodium. Fucking yuck. I still can’t get the chicken broth taste out of my mouth. Each can contains two servings, each of which only has ten calories! I was fucking starving!!! I still am!
At 7:00 p.m., I was required to drink a Fleet Phospho-soda. I had no idea what this what or what it would do, because all the doctor told me was to mix a 1.5 oz. bottle with some chilled apple juice and drink it down, then do it again at 6:00 a.m. the day of the procedure. Brian wasn’t home yet when I had to take the first dose and I couldn’t get the damn bottle of apple juice open. But I didn’t freak out, cry, or throw things, probably because my Klonopin is working. Seriously, I’m proud of myself for being able to handle the situation on my own.
Anyway, the stuff comes in two flavors: ginger-lemon and unflavored. They only had ginger-lemon at Walgreens. Basically, it just made the apple juice taste salty. What I didn’t know would happen, but that my mother warned me about when I e-mailed my family to tell them that I’m having this procedure done, is that I’d pretty much spend the rest of the night in the bathroom because everything will come out. Or it’s supposed to.
Thing is, everything comes out liquid, which isn’t too bad, I suppose. In order to avoid dehydration, you’re supposed to drink plenty of liquids. I had to go so often that my ass began to burn and sting from having to wipe so much. And then the toilet paper would stick to it and make it worse.
I wore sanitary pads in my panties to catch anything, but although they’d work in a pinch, they just weren’t enough. So Brian ran to Walgreens for Depends and some Tucks, which a good blogger friend recommended, to help soothe my frickin’ asshole.
As directed, I took the second dose at 6:00 this morning. Of course I fell back asleep only to wake up about an hour later because I had quite an accident. Thank God for Depends. So far this morning, I haven’t had to use the bathroom as much, probably because there really isn’t anything left in my system.
One of my aunts, who’s also had a colonoscopy, tried to cheer me up by telling me that once the whole thing’s over with, I can eat whatever I want. Well, I just hope this preparation part is the worst of it.
I didnt know that colonoscopy can be quite tedious. Well, I hope things will turn out well!
Wow, this is much worse than mine. I just had to be on the liquid diet.
I think your docs are having fun w/ you. Just kidding.
Good luck!
I never thought I’d say this, but damn, you even look hot in depends! I never realized how tiny you are. I can imagine how sore your butt was & hope the Tucks helped. At least it’s over. Hey, did you pig out today?
It takes a strong woman to admit that she needs adult diapers.
…I guess.
0_o
charles and Maggs, thanks.
jane, adult diapers are going to the next hottest fashion item–just wait. Too bad they don’t make them with cool designs on them like they do with baby diapers. :p I’m 5’1″ and as of today, 135 lbs. Too bad I didn’t lose more shit poundage from drinking that phospho-soda crap. Haha–get it?
Charred, it was only temporary! :[
I should tell my grandma to use this one. lol
i had to come out of blogging hiatus. after reading this and seeing your “depends porn”, i just had to post something.
and i’m glad that… “everything came out ok”.
wah wah wah…
Gabz, I’m sure Lola would love it! (y) Thanks for stopping by! (d)
mamazilla, woohoo! What does that say about my blogging that it brings the great mama out of hibernation???
Then again, who can resist Depends porn? :p I’m glad “everything came out ok,” too. I actually lost 5 lbs.!
Um, I guess “Congrats” are in order for surviving such a traumatic ordeal. Was the actual procedure as bad as some people say it is or did you have a good anesthesiologist?
Depends ought to come in colors. You know, just in case you feel like flashing someone.
Hey, Barb, Jane sent me.
Ugh, my father has had colon cancer twice so colonoscopies have been a regular part of his life for many years. He’s had to go through this process soooo many times it isn’t funny. They definitely want to make sure you’re clean as a whistle inside before they take a look-see.
I have to say you looked hawt in those Depends. I can so totally see Naomi Campbell sporting a pair any day now. :d
Thanks, Denise. Although they put me on medication (sedatives), there was no anesthesiologist. I was WIDE AWAKE for the entire procedure. I did not feel sedated at all.
It really wasn’t that bad until they started probing deeper, and the pain wasn’t “down there,” but in my abdomen. Luckily, they were almost finished at that point, so I didn’t have to put up with the pain too much. Afterwards, I was fine.
Ananke, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I’ve heard, though, that colon cancer is the easiest to treat. I think the actual procedure was nowhere near as bad as the “cleansing” part. I could see Naomi wearing a pair of these down the runway. Of course, they’d probably have a design by Vera Wang on them, or something.
Is that REALLY your ass?
Well, it’s CUTE!
It is the worst part.
My husband had TWO colonoscopies.
The first time he was so friggen hungry, (After hours spent in the bathroom) that he snuck half a tuna sandwich at midnight. Well, there’s no sneaking, the Doctor SAW it.
Not to mention the agony of having to drive almost 2 hours to the nearest VA for the procedure.
So a month later he had to do the whole thing over. Thank God for me and my nose, he drove up the day before and stayed the night and did the prep in the VA hospital!
Why, thanks, annie–yep, that’s really me! I wonder what the sandwich looked like when the doctor saw it. Or not. That sucks that he had to do it again, but at least they let him stay overnight. The prep really is the worst part.
Been there, done that, don’t care to have it done again. I had two procedures done. First down the throat, then the other end right after that. Glad you got through it ok. Thankfully my friend took me to a restaurant on the way home. No food, no coffee, no ciggs. AAAARRRRGGGGG.
Down your throat??? Yikes! I hope you were asleep. Luckily, I quit smoking a while back, but the doctor did say I can have one coffee a day. Although the pumpkin spice latte I had yesterday did not agree with me. Even though I asked for no foam! Thanks for stopping by!