Ssshhhhherrrroqquellll

this shit is making me too fucking groggy. this and the Klonopin both, in combination or whatever. i can’t even get up in the morning because i can’t stand on my own two feet to even make it to the God damn bathroom to take a piss.

on the other hand, when i take only 25mg as the pdoc suggested on those occasions when i would normally take an Ativan, it doesn’t do God damn shit except make me start to feel sleepy.

Brian looked up the side effects and shit on Seroquel and it said that this excessive sleepiness is only supposed to last for the first 3 - 5 days. today is day 3. never mind working out–i better fucking be able to get my ass up on Monday morning to get to class where i’ll be operating, if not heavy machinery, a God damn fucking blow torch. and driving.

in the meantime, there are so many things i want to do/write and all the thoughts of doing these things are converging inside my brain so i can’t just stop, pick one, and do it. i am climbing the fucking walls. last night i cut again. well, with the really dull kitchen knife, so although i didn’t draw blood, i have huge red welts on my left arm.

i am going nuts. i can’t sit still even to do to mindless things, and the only reason i’m able to write this right now is because Brian is sitting next to me “supervising.” i’m throwing things, yelling, screaming, trying to hit Brian. last night he had to subdue me just the way i imagine the “men in white” subdue mental patients back in the old days.

and that’s what i feel i am–a God damn fucking mental patient. not a person who has any qualities, just a fucking mental case.