End to End

i’ve felt “off” for the past several days. i’ve recovered from my cold and now i’m PMSing. i’m beginning to lose interest in some of the activities i enjoy. am i on the tail end of being physically sick, or on the front end of another depression?

it’s after 5pm and i’m still in my PJs. i took my trazodone around 10:30 last night. i remember switching off the lamp at 11:00. and yet, we woke up too late to go to the gym this morning.

Brian felt that i was still groggy and too tired to drive him to work, probably because even though i took a trazodone at 7:30 on Tuesday night, i was unable to fall asleep until about 6:30 on Wednesday morning. i wanted to take him anyway, but he gently insisted that i get more rest.

i felt guilty because, yet again, he’d be late. even worse, our L stop is now one of the ones closed for renovation. though he assures me his tardiness won’t get him fired, i’m totally paranoid that it will, because the one and only time i’ve been fired, back in ?92 or so from a lame receptionist job at a prejudiced yet ironically ethnic-owned consulting firm, it was because of my absences due to hangovers and/or from closing the bars, which on Sun. – Thu. in Chicago is 4am. i was also late a lot.

punctuality has never been one of my qualities, and though i’ve laughed it off as “Filipino time” in the past, as i reached my late 20s and finally started straightening out my life, i worked really hard at being on time for things and i’m mostly successful at it. i hate being late–it makes me feel bad about myself. i’d rather be absent than be late. the idea of my punctuality became twisted: i mean, isn’t it better to be late than not show up at all?

i guess i’ve internalized what i, personally, consider Brian’s excessive tardiness, in spite of his reassurances and that he recently became eligible for the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). i think it’s a sign of mistrust on my part, or like i said, paranoia.

i got up at 11am and checked e-mail and voice mail, ordered pasta for delivery, and played a little bit of Neopets while waiting for my lunch. when it arrived, i ate while reading The Black Dahlia, which i finished while lying in bed. my allergies were so bad that i took a normal adult dose of Benadryl on top of the Allegra i took earlier, so i was afraid i’d fall asleep, which i didn’t. maybe a part of me wanted to.

when Brian called, i told him that i didn’t feel that i could pick him up. i have practice tonight and i’m afraid i’ll be too tired to go if i do anything today, like leave the house. :s