Bumps in the Road

WARNING: this is a really long post. things have been bad the past few days, but before i go into that, and because this has something to do with it, i’ll preface it with this:

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there are so many things i’ve wanted to blog about since this past summer. what’s kept me from posting is my inability to put pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard); the inability to write complete sentences; the inability to organize paragraphs; the inability to articulate what i want to say in a coherent manner. obviously i’ve improved, but i’m not at the level i’d like to be.

another part of this is my reading level, which like my memory, was impacted by the ECTs. both are much poorer than before the treatments. i’m sure you’ve noticed i’ve been reading and sometimes reviewing mainly Star Wars comics and books lately. now you know why. granted, i’ve always read these, even the juvenile novel series, but lately, it’s what i’m most comfortable reading because i’m already familiar with most of the characters, settings, and situations. plus, i absolutely love them. (y)

The Black Dahlia, the selection for yesterday’s Book/Movie Club meeting (to which we didn’t make it), took a while for me to get into, but i’ll explain that when i write the review. and it has nothing to do with reading levels.

about a month ago we were going to join a literary book club, the selection for which was Love in the Time of Cholera by Garc?a M?rquez. i could barely read the first page, and not because of the translation. rather, i had difficulty because of the “literary” style of writing. it’s what some might consider a “snob” book, but so the fuck what? i used to eat those types of books for breakfast.

along with my diminished reading level and atrophied writing skills, i’ve lost a great portion of my vocabulary. a great portion. fortunately, some of it is returning, but nowhere near to the level it was when i was studying for the GRE. heh.

one other thing i can think of is that, although i haven’t lost my informal writing voice, i no longer have as much control over a formal/academic or even semi-formal voice. and that’s a big part of why i’ve been writing these damn book reviews. they double as a writing exercise within a casual forum. plus they’re super-informative, right?

so now you know–the source of my frustration and parts of my anxiety, anger, and bitterness. here’s the rest of the entry:

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as for the past few days, well, i haven’t been doing so well: i took several trazodone and Ativan over the weekend because of my anxiety and irritability–i just wanted to sleep off the moods. at some point i was so frustrated that i used our dull paring and steak knives to cut. i didn’t draw blood, exactly, but i do have ugly red scratches on my arm that were clearly not inflicted by one of the cats, and i feel the need to cover them with long sleeves.

i was too distraught to see my therapist on Saturday, and Brian canceled the appointment because i didn’t want to call her. i still haven’t called her. i’m thinking that Saturday appointments don’t work for me, but her schedule has really changed.

Brian did call our couples counselor and had me talk to her. unfortunately, i don’t remember any of the conversation except that i agreed to page her the next evening. i didn’t.

i fell asleep at 9 last night but still had a hard time getting up this morning. so did Brian, so we agreed to go to the gym after he got off work. besides, i had my metals class later in the morning. i made it to that because working on jewelry always makes me feel good. i even finished my first project (for this term), and it’s called “Dancing Star.” i’d attempt to post a picture, except the camera fucking died.

oh, but we just sold our Ohio State-Penn State game tickets on eBay and made enough to cover the face value with enough left over so we could maybe buy a new digital camera. not like we can afford to actually go to the game. we’ve seen this match-up before, but not while the Bucks were ranked #1! (u)

as the rest of this afternoon wore on, i grew more and more agitated and ended up taking an Ativan and working on this entry, longhand. we didn’t go work out.

on the bright side, i went to my first hockey practice last Thursday. even though i haven’t tended goal since 2001, i did well enough to impress some of my teammates when they saw me going one-on-one against the White team.

we’re planning to work out tomorrow morning, but now it seems that Brian is really sick with either the cold from which i just recovered or a different one. either way, i’m planning to go to noon skate.