In THIS Corner…

…in the scarlet and gray robe, once-upon-a-time goalie for THE Ohio State University Women’s Club Hockey Team…weighing in at one hundred thirty-five POOOOUUUUUNNNNDDDSSSS…ladies and gentlemen, it’s Barb “Madame Butterfly” Natividad!!!!!!!

and in THIS corner…dressed all in black, weighing just enough to smother you ’til you choke…ladies and gentleMEN…it’s the deadly duo…Barb’s FEAR & ANXIETY!!!!!

didn’t have much time to spend online yesterday, and not too much today, either. i did make it to the second in-take interview at the SSvcA. before arriving, i was in tears from the anxiety of not being able to find parking; two people ahead of me on two separate rounds around the blocks got spaces before i could; i didn’t have the cash to pay to park at the hospital, and no quarters with which to plug a meter. and i was running late.

this meeting had been pushed back twice now, and i told myself that if i didn’t make it, i was going to give up and not bother with the SSvcA anymore and take my own chances with the Social Security Administration in terms of applying for disability benefits–which would never happen, because if i were capable of doing that on my own i would have done it a long time ago.

anyway, i met with the Enrollment Coordinator, who asked some of the same questions i answered at my first interview, but this one didn’t last as long. more paperwork to fill out, but then she said she’d let me know on Friday who will be assigned as my case manager, case person, staff person, whatever they call it.

stayed for lunch and the Art and Goals Setting groups. i didn’t get to paint the clay cat i made 2 weeks ago because the tail broke off! while i tried fixing that, the head fell off! when i tried fixing that, an ear fell off! *sigh* i’m hoping that the parts will stick together this time and be dry enough to paint next week. if not, i’ll just superglue them together. (i)

today is another bad anxiety day. i nearly missed my pdoc appointment–hadn’t seen him in 4 weeks and it was really important that i saw him today. started having another anxiety attack, but i managed to call the office. luckily, someone else had canceled, so the office staff told me to come in. i took an Ativan before i left because my anxiety was manifesting itself as nausea, which sometimes graduates to dry heaves. i left early enough to ensure myself a parking space, and that was fine.

the pdoc believes that i’m doing much better, in terms of the depression. i told him that i believe it’s in remission, even though there are circumstances in my life that cause feelings of depression, but those aren’t clinical. i’ve been very, very active, but the biggest problem right now is…ANXIETY. well, most of you already know that.

i’ll write more about what the pdoc says tomorrow or in a couple of days, because i’m still, at this very moment, completley anxious because tonight is the first night of hockey practice, and the first night that i’ll be dressing as a goalie. in the last 5 years or so, i’ve worn my goalie skates once–last Tuesday–so they are far from broken in. i would have skated in them more last week, except that i was sick. i still feel sick to my stomach from anxiety. i know that the only way to get over this fear is to just show the fuck up.

Blessed Mother, help me! help me! i just need to show up–and not leave immediately. show up and stay. show up and play.

Amen. out.