Friday was a really bad anxiety day. first of all, the morning didn’t begin as planned, which is always (well, starting a couple of weeks ago) to get up, throw on clothes, go to the gym. we woke up later than we should have, so we decided to work out after Brian got off work instead. besides, once hockey practice starts, which will be at 10:00 Thursday nights, going to the gym Friday evenings may be more practical. anyway, i showered and dressed and left to take Brian to work. Brian actually does the driving, at least to work.
we were in the far right lane on Lake Shore, when we came up on a street cleaning vehicle going way below the speed limit. Brian managed to squeeze into the next lane just in time, since no one would let us merge while we were farther back. meanwhile, i thought for sure that we would be in an accident and the incident terrified me and i got hysterical and began crying because i was so frightened. it didn’t help that until recently, that is, until i mentioned it and he became more conscious about it, it seemed to me that Brian applied the brakes at the last minute whenever we faced a field of suddenly blooming brake lights.
we pulled up in front of his building, but i was too scared to drive, too scared to get back on Lake Shore. i also felt awful because there we were at our destination, but i was too anxious to drive myself home. Brian ended up driving me back, and then took the train to work.
one of the things that helps me to relax is to color. so i printed out some coloring pages from Neopets, except that i was out of coffee by then and still too scared to drive. i “had” to have Dunkin’ Donuts coffee instead of settling for coffee from the convenience store at the end of the block, which i could have walked to, or simply making some myself. but at that moment, only Dunkin’ Donuts would appease me. Brian ended up coming home and working at home that day, so he could get me the coffee i wanted. not only that, i took an Ativan right before we left Brian’s office. it should have already kicked in, so i don’t know why i was still so scared.
i don’t remember my anxiety ever being this bad, this incapacitating. like the borderline symptoms, the anxiety seems more manifest ever since the depression has been in remission. granted, there’s been more stress in my life in the past few weeks since i had to leave IOP and go down a different path. i like predictability and stability, particularly when i’m not exactly stable. it’s a lot harder for me to cope with sudden changes, snags, etc. right now.
though i’ve been in the car and on Lake Shore with Brian since Friday, i still haven’t driven the car. and we’re going to play Star Wars RPG for the first time tonight, which means meeting new people and doing something we’ve never done. and i just got an e-mail from one of my teammates that the White team goalie can’t make it to practice this Thursday and wondering if i can come. Orange team doesn’t start practice ’til the 14th, and although i’m not obligated to go this week, i really feel that i should but it’s just so unexpected.
argh.
edit, 9/4/06 – 3:21pm: i had a really good time playing Star Wars RPG last night! i was pretty nervous at first, but the game and the other players’ characters were totally hilarious. 
No one likes change. Especially “us”.