this shit is making me too fucking groggy. this and the Klonopin both, in combination or whatever. i can’t even get up in the morning because i can’t stand on my own two feet to even make it to the God damn bathroom to take a piss.

on the other hand, when i take only 25mg as the pdoc suggested on those occasions when i would normally take an Ativan, it doesn’t do God damn shit except make me start to feel sleepy.

Brian looked up the side effects and shit on Seroquel and it said that this excessive sleepiness is only supposed to last for the first 3 – 5 days. today is day 3. never mind working out–i better fucking be able to get my ass up on Monday morning to get to class where i’ll be operating, if not heavy machinery, a God damn fucking blow torch. and driving.

in the meantime, there are so many things i want to do/write and all the thoughts of doing these things are converging inside my brain so i can’t just stop, pick one, and do it. i am climbing the fucking walls. last night i cut again. well, with the really dull kitchen knife, so although i didn’t draw blood, i have huge red welts on my left arm.

i am going nuts. i can’t sit still even to do to mindless things, and the only reason i’m able to write this right now is because Brian is sitting next to me “supervising.” i’m throwing things, yelling, screaming, trying to hit Brian. last night he had to subdue me just the way i imagine the “men in white” subdue mental patients back in the old days.

and that’s what i feel i am–a God damn fucking mental patient. not a person who has any qualities, just a fucking mental case.

The nice thing about living in an apartment is not having to pay for your own water. You can leave every single faucet running for 24 hours if you want to, and you won’t have to pay the bill. The clean-up maybe, but the bill? Nah. Unfortunately, the people who own the cat in the video below, entitled “Water_Bill,” do have to pay for water because they’re homeowners. Suckers.

managed to get my pdoc appointment moved to today from like, around the 14th. as most of you know, anxiety has been creating too much havoc in my personal life. last Thursday, for example, i so did not want to go to hockey practice because i was too nervous. (we’re off tonight.) i took an Ativan before we left, which didn’t help. after we were on the ice for about half an hour, i began to feel nauseous, so i got off the ice. Brian helped me into the lobby and out of the upper part of my gear.

even so, i began hyperventilating and was on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack. we paged the pdoc who said there was nothing he could do until he saw me, and that was today.

he replaced the 150mg of trazodone with 100 mg of Seroquel at night, and 25mg Seroquel as needed, which takes place of the Ativan i took as needed. in addition, i’ll be on 2mg Klonopin twice a day (one table in each in the a.m. & p.m.)

the only bad news is that Seroquel can make you gain weight, so it’ll need to be monitored . luckily, Brian and i made it to the gym this morning!

anhedonia, that is. though we didn’t work out yesterday, i drove Brian to work and drove to 5 different stores to complete errands the whole rest of the morning–just like any normally functioning person might do–and then i picked him up from work. from there we went to the couples counselor, who told me that i should really call my therapist to make an appointment. i left her a voice mail today.

Brian and i told ourserlves that beginning today, we will once again start our morning workout routine. it almost didn’t happen, but i managed to force myself out of bed. we went to the gym for the first time in about a week, and it felt good. so why do i still feel so shitty?

i didn’t want to go to noon skate today, nor do i want to go to open studio time at the art center to work on my projects, neither of which is like me at all. all i wanted to do for a while was play mindless computer games, which i did and now i’m bored. i don’t have the gumption to visit blog friends. i don’t have the gumption to e-mail or call people, except for Brian so i can complain and ask him what i should do. i haven’t even eaten a thing yet today, but nothing sounds good and anyway, i have no appetite.

i’m agitated and feeling batty as ever. :[

i’ve decided to implement imood once again, though i opened a new account under barbnatividad. if you want to be imood buddies, let me know. i highly recommend this site to anyone with a mood disorder. it’s a great way to keep track of your moods because it contains a mood history, which will show you how many times you’ve felt sad, or angry, or whatever. you can also write a little post when you change your mood if you want, so if you click on “depressed” in your mood history, it’ll bring up all of the posts you wrote that are related to that mood. so if you’re say, Brian (heehee), and want to know why i’m worried, nervous, or whatnot, all you’d have to do is click the little icon thingy in the Currently section of my sidebar.

i haven’t been on the computer much, which is why it’s taken me so long to answer previous comments and why i haven’t been visiting anyone. i suppose i’ve been isolating a bit, too. i’ve been busy–which is a good thing–working really hard on my metals projects and taking advantage of the available studio time outside of class. there were a couple of days this past week when i was gone the whole entire day, like from 9am to after 6pm, just like a fully-functioning working person! on Friday i was out all day, then after i picked up Brian from work we went to dinner and a movie, just like a normal couple. (l) we had Indian food at Essence of India. if you live in Chicago, you must try this place out! then we saw The Black Dahlia movie, which i will write a review about. someday.

this morning i had a really hard time getting out of bed, which had me worried. though i had my metals class today, i wasn’t even looking forward to it. but i forced myself up and into the shower and went. and of course i felt better, especially because i got over my fear of soldering. we don’t use a soldering iron, we use a torch! like the kind connected to a tank of some type of gas and looks like something welders use! anyway, after a bit of practice, i successfully soldered posts onto the earrings that i made. *sigh* if only we had a working camera. (p) boy, the things we take for granted.

we haven’t gotten back into our workout routine yet, so hopefully we’ll wake up early enough tomorrow.