after working out this morning, Brian and i parked the car by the SSvcA and he caught the bus downtown to go to work. i had about 20 minutes before the workshop i wanted to go to started, so i was able to kill some of that by checking e-mail. as it turns out, the workshop was canceled for today because they’re looking to hire a new facilitator.
i felt uncomfortable just hanging out there, but i made myself stay and actually write in my journal, which is one of the goals i had set in the Goal Setting group last week. to journal more, that is. that’s when i realized part of the reason i feel uncomfortable there: because many of the other members think that i work there. also, i felt that it was important for me to go to the Self-Esteem group later in the afternoon, which was another reason to stick around.
there’s other stuff bothering me, which i also journaled about and which brought me to tears. i almost started bawling, but i held it together, especially because lunch was about to be served. so i get in line and this guy asks me if i’m a new staff member. i couldn’t take it anymore, so i left.
i signed out and as soon as i walked out the door, i was bawling. i called Brian and he said maybe people think i work there because i dress nice, and that just makes me feel worse. why? because i feel like i don’t belong there, like i don’t deserve to be there. like i should be working. that my problems are so trivial compared to the other members’ problems. some of them don’t have homes of their own. some of them have to get clothes from the SSvcA. and me? oh, boo hoo–i didn’t get to have a wedding. boo hoo–because IOP screwed us, we may not have enough money now for me to sign up for my metalsmithing class this fall. and so forth.
You know, when I’m not feeling right (meaning, I’m not stable) I feel like I don’t belong anywhere either. Even now, when I’ve been stable for weeks and weeks, I still shy away from certain situations, positive that I’m a thorn among roses and just waiting to be found out. I think it’s a trait common to people with our medical history. Doesn’t make it easier, but just to let you know it’s not just you.
i understand what you’re feeling, about not fitting in; but i also think that the way you feel is a symptom of your condition, and that you’re not being fair to yourself–you’re both a) honestly feeling bad about the setbacks in your own life (not having a wedding, not having disposable income right now), and b) feeling bad because you feel bad about those things–feeling bad that your problems aren’t as bad as other people’s problems.
that’s really not fair to yourself; and, in some ways, it’s like your using both your own problems and other people’s problems to make yourself feel worse. as long as your mental illness and its effects make you feel bad, you belong at the ssa (if you choose to go there); once your mental illness and its effects stop making you feel bad–once you can look at the other people in the ssa and feel bad for them–just feel bad for them, and not about yourself (because of the insignificance of your problems)–then that will mean you’re probably doing better, and maybe don’t need to go there (or should go there as a tutor/graduate, not a participant).
does that make sense? i guess the point i’m trying to make is that your sense of not belonging–and the fact that you’re criticizing yourself over it–is actually evidence of the fact that the ssa could (and will) help you out; and that the “problem” is with the other participants making judgments about you, because of your appearance, rather than your challenges (which they don’t know about yet).
ok, i’ll get off my soapbox now. hang in there! love!
bp_hockey_chick, yes–i have that feeling like i’m going to be found out. or like i’m some sort of imposter. but you and pantheranon are right–it’s a symptom of the condition. well, tomorrow i have my intake interview.
I couldn’t agree more with pantheranon. You are not being fair to yourself Barb. I think that you are extremely intelligent and educated, and that’s the reason why peple think you work there.
Um…they think you work there because you’re so much more “together” than they are. It means you’re doing well, and should be taken as a compliment.
all right, folks! you got me! thanks for showing me the other point of view. i’ll be sure to update tomorrow about how the enrollement process goes.
Gald you agreed with the rest of the commenters, cause i am on their side. I don’t know you, but i think lots of us have a tendency to get into cycles of uncertainty. it’s tough when our society is expecting perfection from us. i’ve started blogging on this very issue of how hard it is to find that sense of belonging – http://www.nurturingbelonging.ca . best of luck.
Hi, I sometimes check into your blogsite because I also have BP and it makes me feel less alone to read about your struggles which you describe with great honesty, endearing humor, and intelligence. I love what “pantheranon” wrote about because when we’re depressed, we really make ourselves worse by comparing with others and judging ourselves. Like you, I have a hard time accepting my illness and how it has disabled my life though I am grateful that you are so open as to devote a public blogsite to it. Therapy has helped me a lot. Another organization I’ve been exploring is Recovery Inc. which is a support group for people with anxiety, depression, etc. I am not a big group-joiner and I don’t subscribe to all the “slogans” that are used for combatting negative thoughts and disabling feelings, but I have found them useful and the members very friendly and positive. Perhaps you could too. It’s worth checking out and I believe the headquarters is in Chicago. The founder is Dr. Abraham Low–if you want to do an internet search. Also, I have less shame about my illness when I can see “normal”-looking people battling depression, anxiety etc. and as I feel respect for them, I feel more respect for myself. Good luck and thanks again for sharing your life. -A fan
Brian, thanks for stopping by!
FellowBPer, thank you for writing. although i was diagnosed in ‘94, there are still times, like now, when i find it very hard to accept that i have bipolar, but i think it’s normal to feel that way sometimes.
one of the things that makes it difficult to accept is the stigma that’s still associated with mental illness, though society has come a long way since 1994. putting those Zoloft blobs out there helped, i think. :d seriously, though, writing openly about living with bipolar disorder is my way, however small, of fighting that stigma, of letting other BPers know they’re not alone, and for me to remember that i’m not alone, either.
thanks, too, for recommending Recovery, Inc. the Program Coordinator at IOP gave me their number to call, but it’s always good to hear from someone who’s actually tried it. i’ll contact them.
by the way, pantheranon is my husband. heehee.