notice any? you are now viewing my brand new custom theme, which i LOVE LOVE LOVE! a big thank you and round of applause goes out to Weblog Design Studios, and especially to Danalyn!!!

hmm…maybe i should change my Gravatar.

don’t have a lot of time to spend online today, but i just wanted to say that i drove to the SSvcA all by myself this morning after dropping Brian off at work. i had my intake interview, and the Recovery Specialist with whom i had the appointment told me that when she started going there, people also thought she was a new staff member. then she said it’s probably because i look like a student intern. now, she is a staff member! anyway, she told me not to worry about it, so i won’t.

basically i filled out a ton of paperwork and she asked all kinds of health background questions. she believes i should qualify for a Reduced Fare CTA card, which i always thought was just for people with physical disabilities, and suggested i apply. next week i meet with another staff member during which i’ll be assigned a…like a case manager, i guess, but i know they don’t call them that there. once all of that is in place they will help me apply for SSI or SSDI or whatever it is.

i missed lunch–they stopped serving by the time my appointment was over, but i walked to my regular comic book store, which is just a couple of blocks away and picked up the newest Clone Wars Adventures they were holding for me. anyway, i was too anxious to eat, but instead of simply going home, which is what i wanted to do, i stuck around ’til the Art Studio workshop started. i made a cat out of this plastic modeling clay stuff! haha! i’ll paint it next week. and i did go to the Goal Setting group. my goal for next week is to finish organizing my Star Wars books and comics!

after working out this morning, Brian and i parked the car by the SSvcA and he caught the bus downtown to go to work. i had about 20 minutes before the workshop i wanted to go to started, so i was able to kill some of that by checking e-mail. as it turns out, the workshop was canceled for today because they’re looking to hire a new facilitator.

i felt uncomfortable just hanging out there, but i made myself stay and actually write in my journal, which is one of the goals i had set in the Goal Setting group last week. to journal more, that is. that’s when i realized part of the reason i feel uncomfortable there: because many of the other members think that i work there. also, i felt that it was important for me to go to the Self-Esteem group later in the afternoon, which was another reason to stick around.

there’s other stuff bothering me, which i also journaled about and which brought me to tears. i almost started bawling, but i held it together, especially because lunch was about to be served. so i get in line and this guy asks me if i’m a new staff member. i couldn’t take it anymore, so i left.

i signed out and as soon as i walked out the door, i was bawling. i called Brian and he said maybe people think i work there because i dress nice, and that just makes me feel worse. why? because i feel like i don’t belong there, like i don’t deserve to be there. like i should be working. that my problems are so trivial compared to the other members’ problems. some of them don’t have homes of their own. some of them have to get clothes from the SSvcA. and me? oh, boo hoo–i didn’t get to have a wedding. boo hoo–because IOP screwed us, we may not have enough money now for me to sign up for my metalsmithing class this fall. and so forth.

Monday i went to the Welcome Meeting at this Social Services Agency (SSvcA) to which the Program Coordinator at IOP referred me. i was incredibly terrified because i was under the impression that this particular organization serves only low-functioning people.

before we even walked in the door, i was ready to turn around and leave. people were “loitering” outside the building smoking or sleeping. indoors, people were lying around just sitting there or napping on couches. i fought my urge to run away (i have a tendency to bail when my anxiety is through the roof, which it’s been all week), and i’m glad i stayed.

yes, there were many low-functioning people there. however, there are also members (people aren’t called patients) who have graduate degrees. anyway, although i may be “high-functioning,” in many ways i can’t function as high as some of the lower-functioning folks. for example, i couldn’t get myself to the place (on Monday and when i went to the workshops on Wednesday and Friday) without Brian having to take me. not because i didn’t want to go, but because of my anxiety.

(more…)

well, let?s see. i had ECT since the last time i consumed this, so i don?t remember most of what happened in the book. this is the first novel of the Legacy of the Force series. Bloodlines, the second novel, will be out on the 29th.