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notice any? you are now viewing my brand new custom theme, which i LOVE LOVE LOVE! a big thank you and round of applause goes out to Weblog Design Studios, and especially to Danalyn!!!

hmm…maybe i should change my Gravatar.

Sign Me Up

don’t have a lot of time to spend online today, but i just wanted to say that i drove to the SSvcA all by myself this morning after dropping Brian off at work. i had my intake interview, and the Recovery Specialist with whom i had the appointment told me that when she started going there, people also thought she was a new staff member. then she said it’s probably because i look like a student intern. now, she is a staff member! anyway, she told me not to worry about it, so i won’t.

basically i filled out a ton of paperwork and she asked all kinds of health background questions. she believes i should qualify for a Reduced Fare CTA card, which i always thought was just for people with physical disabilities, and suggested i apply. next week i meet with another staff member during which i’ll be assigned a…like a case manager, i guess, but i know they don’t call them that there. once all of that is in place they will help me apply for SSI or SSDI or whatever it is.

i missed lunch–they stopped serving by the time my appointment was over, but i walked to my regular comic book store, which is just a couple of blocks away and picked up the newest Clone Wars Adventures they were holding for me. anyway, i was too anxious to eat, but instead of simply going home, which is what i wanted to do, i stuck around ’til the Art Studio workshop started. i made a cat out of this plastic modeling clay stuff! haha! i’ll paint it next week. and i did go to the Goal Setting group. my goal for next week is to finish organizing my Star Wars books and comics!

A Sense of Not Belonging

after working out this morning, Brian and i parked the car by the SSvcA and he caught the bus downtown to go to work. i had about 20 minutes before the workshop i wanted to go to started, so i was able to kill some of that by checking e-mail. as it turns out, the workshop was canceled for today because they’re looking to hire a new facilitator.

i felt uncomfortable just hanging out there, but i made myself stay and actually write in my journal, which is one of the goals i had set in the Goal Setting group last week. to journal more, that is. that’s when i realized part of the reason i feel uncomfortable there: because many of the other members think that i work there. also, i felt that it was important for me to go to the Self-Esteem group later in the afternoon, which was another reason to stick around.

there’s other stuff bothering me, which i also journaled about and which brought me to tears. i almost started bawling, but i held it together, especially because lunch was about to be served. so i get in line and this guy asks me if i’m a new staff member. i couldn’t take it anymore, so i left.

i signed out and as soon as i walked out the door, i was bawling. i called Brian and he said maybe people think i work there because i dress nice, and that just makes me feel worse. why? because i feel like i don’t belong there, like i don’t deserve to be there. like i should be working. that my problems are so trivial compared to the other members’ problems. some of them don’t have homes of their own. some of them have to get clothes from the SSvcA. and me? oh, boo hoo–i didn’t get to have a wedding. boo hoo–because IOP screwed us, we may not have enough money now for me to sign up for my metalsmithing class this fall. and so forth.

Long Week

Monday i went to the Welcome Meeting at this Social Services Agency (SSvcA) to which the Program Coordinator at IOP referred me. i was incredibly terrified because i was under the impression that this particular organization serves only low-functioning people.

before we even walked in the door, i was ready to turn around and leave. people were “loitering” outside the building smoking or sleeping. indoors, people were lying around just sitting there or napping on couches. i fought my urge to run away (i have a tendency to bail when my anxiety is through the roof, which it’s been all week), and i’m glad i stayed.

yes, there were many low-functioning people there. however, there are also members (people aren’t called patients) who have graduate degrees. anyway, although i may be “high-functioning,” in many ways i can’t function as high as some of the lower-functioning folks. for example, i couldn’t get myself to the place (on Monday and when i went to the workshops on Wednesday and Friday) without Brian having to take me. not because i didn’t want to go, but because of my anxiety.

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A story about the last time I consumed Betrayal (Star Wars: Legacy of the Force, Book 1)

well, let?s see. i had ECT since the last time i consumed this, so i don?t remember most of what happened in the book. this is the first novel of the Legacy of the Force series. Bloodlines, the second novel, will be out on the 29th.

A story about Star Wars Tales, Vol. 3

so it didn?t take me as long as i thought it would to finish reading this. i ordered Tales #10 from Things From Another World and it arrived today.

Discharged & Discombombulated

i wanted to blog about this last week, but due to circumstances, i’ve been much too anxious, agitated, angry, sad, and just all around moody (plus i’m PMSing). a week ago this past Monday, the staff at IOP decided that i was doing well enough to decrease the days i attend and then to phase me out. i’d been going M - Th, and my new schedule was to be M, W, Th. i didn’t realize that it would start that week. so that’s what got my anxiety rising. other than that, i was doing really, really, well.

Tuesday i find out from Brian–who the Program Coordinator called, and not me–that i’ve maxed out my outpatient mental health benefits for the whole rest of the year. this includes visits to my psychiatrist and therapist. when i left IOP Monday afternoon, i felt rattled. when i got this news, i felt fucked.

obviously, when i started IOP at the end of June, the Program Coordinator didn’t check to see how many visits i’m allowed so we could plan my treatment and discharge accordingly. i was really nervous about having Tuesday “off,” and then Wednesday was to be my last day??? what the fuck???

there’s more to tell, but i’ll leave it here for now. besides, i don’t want to get all worked up about it. it’s bed time and i need to try to relax.

Why it’s taking me forever to finish consuming Star Wars Tales, Vol. 3

well, it isn?t taking me forever, but it?s going to take me longer than usual because i don?t own Tales #10. Tales, Vol. 3 includes issues 9 ? 12.

i don?t actually own any TPBs (trade paperbacks) because individual issues are better. the TPBs that Dark Horse publishes are very, very, VERY poorly bound.

Getting Back on Track

clearly i have not been working on this in the past five months or so, nor have i been weighing myself until recently. the click-to-enlarge chart on the left measures my weight from the time i started this endeavor up until today.

my original goal was to go from 145 to 125 lbs. i have since changed my goal to 120 lbs., so now i have 17 more to go. well, as of today i’m at 137 lbs.
i have more to say about all of this, but i can?t right now because i?m too agitated.

See more progress on: Lose 20 pounds

Friday Cat Blogging No. 29: Not-So-Tough Guy

it’s the return of Friday Cat Blogging!!! i’m positive that Mark will be absolutely thrilled!!! FCB is here today, but no guarantees for next week, ok?

and i know, i know. it isn’t a solo photo of one of the cats, so just think of me as a prop. this was taken early in July when Angelo, our resident tough guy/rock star as most of you know, had to pay a visit to the scary bad lady vet. there’s more to the story, but i couldn’t remember it (ECT, you know) so Brian sent me an e-mail. i doubt that i could retell it any better, so here’s what he said. once upon a time…

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