How I Landed in the Hospital

Brian took me to the ER last Thursday, June 22, because i wanted to cut myself. the emotional pain i felt, from the fact that the second set of ECT treatments didn’t work, was overwhelming and i began to feel hopeless about my recovery. like the times i cut in the past, i felt that inflicting physical pain upon myself would somehow decrease the emotional pain. further, physical wounds are much easier to heal from; you will heal. you don’t know for sure that you’ll completely recover from emotional wounds. i hadn’t cut in so long that i don’t know how many years it’s been. fortunately, i didn’t cut this time, either.

ironically, Brian took me to see the pdoc earlier that afternoon. i vaguely remember this, but according to Brian, i told the doctor about my frustration that the ECT didn’t work, and my stress about our upcoming move as well as my sister’s wedding, both of which would take place on Saturday the 24th (more on that to follow). we left his office with instuctions for me to get back on the Tegretol over the weekend and to see him again on Monday.

because i was hospitalized Thursday afternoon, i didn’t get a chance to start taking the Tegretol again, especially because i did not want to be taken to the pdoc’s hospital where i absolute hate it. i asked Brian to take me to the shock doc’s hospital because the support staff treats the psych patients much better than the support staff does at my pdoc’s hospital. and at that point, i wanted to switch pdocs so the shock doc would be my doctor. it turns out he no longer sees outpatients (i think he’s like, retiring or something), so i got a pdoc i never met before. unfortunately, i can’t remember whether or not she put me back on Tegretol, or if i only started taking them again this past Thursday, on my first morning home. i can tell you that i’ve been rapid cycling so my moods are obviously not stabilized, which Tegretol is supposed to do.

i spent a week in the hospital going to the various therapy groups and feeling more and more dejected and angry because i wasn’t better. however, i no longer wanted to cut myself; i just desperately wanted to go home.

the next steps in my recovery plan include continuing my meds (Cymbalta and Wellbutrin) at home and starting back on the Tegretol; beginning the hospital’s Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) on Thursday the 29th, the day after i was released; seeing both the (regular) pdoc and my therapist next week; and probably seeing my therapist twice a week for the next few weeks.

i’ll write more about the other triggers (move; sister’s wedding) in another post.