by Elizabeth George

I told Brian that he needs to set aside the Lynley novels he hasn’t yet read and immediately read this one, which is the newest. It isn’t super great or anything, but if you’re a Lynley fan, then this is a definite must-read.

Lynley and Havers are on the trail of a serial killer whose victims are 12-year-old boys “at risk.” Although most of the novel seems to plod as they track down the perp, the last 100 pages are the most exciting. Don’t get me wrong — the plot itself doesn’t drag, and neither does the writing — but I don’t know. It seems to take forever before you get to the really good part.

However, it’s very possible that it only seems like it plodded along because of the ECT. I’m also thinking that’s why it took me longer to finish it than usual.

maybe the ECT is wearing off. the last few days have been just like they were a few weeks ago. i don’t feel like doing anything, it’s getting harder to leave the house, i’m withdrawing (you’ve probably noticed), i’m having trouble dragging myself into the shower, etc. all i want to do are things that don’t require too much mental effort (like playing video games and reading comic books), and even then i can’t always make myself do them.

my mom and Brian think that maybe i overdid it the first week i was finished with ECT. they said that maybe it’s catching up with me and now i’m evening out. i’m not so sure, though, because i just…feel…l-l-l-ethargic. the therapist says i need to readjust to having more energy and learn to figure out what my interests are, where to focus that energy, only i think it’s dissipating.

because the hospital that my pdoc is affiliated with doesn’t have an ECT machine, he had to make arrangements for me to have it done at another hospital. fortunately, some of the pdocs with whom he shares his office have privileges at one that has the equipment. when we decided to go through with the procedure, the pdoc said i’d be admitted Friday or Saturday of that week once he set it up with the other hospital. his office called us Friday afternoon, and a couple of hours later, i was admitted to the emergency room.

i have no idea why i had to go through the ER, but during the 5+ hours Brian and i were there, they ran preliminary tests (the usual blood and piss stuff). over the weekend they took spinal X-rays, and someone came to my room to do an EKG. if anything was wrong with me physically, the ECT would be delayed, or possibly canceled. but everything checked out.

once we were led to the psychiatric ward, the social worker assigned to me inspected my clothing and other items. since it wasn’t my first time in a psych unit, i remembered not to pack toiletries in glass containers or clothes with drawstrings, and i wore soccer sandals. if you wear shoes with laces, the staff takes them away. walking around in laceless shoes totally sucks, i tell you. try it some time. i think you’ll agree.

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I have now been to the pdoc, therapist, and our couples counselor, all of who say that I’m so much better. It feels that way, mainly physically. I have tons more energy now, spend less time at home, and sleep a lot less. Emotionally, I’m still kind of blah, but now that I’m getting a life a lot more active, I should start to feel better about myself. Though it’s still there, my anxiety has decreased tremendously and I don’t completely freak out and shut down if something goes wrong. I also have a small degree of my old self-confidence back.

However, I’m saddened now that I realize how much was on Brian’s shoulders. He had to do pretty much everything because I could barely get out of the house. He says he really feels like a weight has been lifted. I imagine so, because now he doesn’t have to work full time and do all the chores and errands. It’s amazing to me how easy it is to run to the bank, pick up prescriptions, buy cat food — when just a few weeks ago I remember wondering how it is that people can do all of those things and not be run down. Well, if you’re depressed, I guess it really is hard to do all that. I’ve been depressed for so long that I’d forgotten how easy those things really are.

I’ve taken a lot of big steps in the past week:

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i know i’ve been horrible at responding to comments and at visiting blogs. i’m still trying to get back into the blogging world, but i admit that i haven’t been much interested in the Internet lately. i haven’t been playing Neopets, either! in fact, i’ve barely even been home these past few days, ?cuz i’ve been out actually doing stuff.

there are so many things i want to blog about, but at this point i’m taking things slowly, like visiting just a few blogs each day. i’m not ignoring you! i’m just trying to sort out how i’m feeling because i do feel really, really different.