Getting a Life

I have now been to the pdoc, therapist, and our couples counselor, all of who say that I’m so much better. It feels that way, mainly physically. I have tons more energy now, spend less time at home, and sleep a lot less. Emotionally, I’m still kind of blah, but now that I’m getting a life a lot more active, I should start to feel better about myself. Though it’s still there, my anxiety has decreased tremendously and I don’t completely freak out and shut down if something goes wrong. I also have a small degree of my old self-confidence back.

However, I’m saddened now that I realize how much was on Brian’s shoulders. He had to do pretty much everything because I could barely get out of the house. He says he really feels like a weight has been lifted. I imagine so, because now he doesn’t have to work full time and do all the chores and errands. It’s amazing to me how easy it is to run to the bank, pick up prescriptions, buy cat food — when just a few weeks ago I remember wondering how it is that people can do all of those things and not be run down. Well, if you’re depressed, I guess it really is hard to do all that. I’ve been depressed for so long that I’d forgotten how easy those things really are.

I’ve taken a lot of big steps in the past week:

(click to enlarge; clearly we need a camera with image stabilization and better zoom)

I played in a hockey game. After my first shift on the ice I nearly started crying because I thought I’d made a huge mistake. Never mind the fact that I haven’t played in a really long while, but I have such unrealistic expectations of myself. As the game went on, I could feel myself improving and my teammates also noticed. I even got a shot on goal! We lost 5-1, but it was a lot of fun and I was glad I stuck around for the entire game.

Today I went to public skate even though I was too chicken to go by myself. But then I decided that I don’t care how poorly I’m skating right now or what everyone else thinks, because I know how well I can do, and it’s just a matter of practice. (bp_hockey_chick, thanks for having faith!)

Last week I also started an intro metalsmithing course, which is really cool and aimed at complete beginners. My first project is going to be a pendant made of copper, brass, and nickel. It’s going to be a kitty cat, of course! Maybe I’ll send it to Mark, since I know how much he loves cats.

I even handled frustrating situations without having an anxiety attack. Like dealing with the Sprintdiots (Sprint store idiots) who didn’t know what the hell they were doing, getting lost on my way to a hockey pro shop I’d never been to before, having all three — yes, three — of my Neopets accounts frozen. Now, I understand why they did this, but still. I forgot my passwords (no thanks to ECT), freaked out a little, and tried to log on more than three times. BAM! Iced. Hmph.

Although the (supposedly) temporary memory loss is a real pain, the ECT seems to be worth it. Yep. So far, so good.

Big thanks to everyone who has offered me support during this period of my life. It means a lot to me that even though most of us have never met, the sympathy and compassion you’ve shown are more than certainly genuine. It’s especially meaningful for me since, thanks to the depression, I’ve lost touch with pretty much all of my “real” (i.e., offline) friends. You’ve all taught me that online friends can be just as real.

Tomorrow: ECT, the Procedure