when we met with our couples counselor last week i told her that if i were ever in a band again, this would be my stage name.

not too long ago, i said that my current depressive symptoms were mainly physical (disturbed sleep, appetite), and that it’s affected me emotionally in terms of extreme boredom and disinterest–you know, anhedonia. this is the first time i’ve even looked at my blog since the last post, and for anyone who visits regularly, you know that i didn’t even post a Friday Cat Blog this past week. i just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

i’ve been withdrawing, i know. a couple of weeks ago, i started slacking off on my blog reading; then replying to e-mail messages. the last couple of days i didn’t even check e-mail at all, and yesterday, i didn’t even get on the computer!

i can barely bring myself to write this post. not because i’m no longer interested in my blog or my blogfriends–i am–but there is too much going through my head right now and it’s been difficult to express my thoughts, to articulate or verbalize them. poor Brian has no idea what’s going on with me because, it isn’t that i don’t want to talk about it, i just can’t. i can only give him bits and pieces, a phrase here, a remark there. because he knows me so well he’s able to attribute meaning. when he tries to draw me into a discussion, however, i get agitated and angry and i close up.

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as if i don’t have enough trouble with sleeping, this snuck up on me! time changes have always messed up my sleep.

the Provigil has helped me stay awake all day, so no more naps. however, it keeps me up all night! that’s just on half the dose, too. so i still have to take trazodone in order to sleep. right now, i just need to figure out the proper amount of trazodone to take. if i take 150mg i end up sleeping 9 hours or more; if i take 75mg, i sleep 6 hours or less. or maybe i should ask the doctor if i can cut down on the Provigil dose. what a pain. it makes me cranky. can you tell?