Ann Hedonia

when we met with our couples counselor last week i told her that if i were ever in a band again, this would be my stage name.

not too long ago, i said that my current depressive symptoms were mainly physical (disturbed sleep, appetite), and that it’s affected me emotionally in terms of extreme boredom and disinterest–you know, anhedonia. this is the first time i’ve even looked at my blog since the last post, and for anyone who visits regularly, you know that i didn’t even post a Friday Cat Blog this past week. i just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

i’ve been withdrawing, i know. a couple of weeks ago, i started slacking off on my blog reading; then replying to e-mail messages. the last couple of days i didn’t even check e-mail at all, and yesterday, i didn’t even get on the computer!

i can barely bring myself to write this post. not because i’m no longer interested in my blog or my blogfriends–i am–but there is too much going through my head right now and it’s been difficult to express my thoughts, to articulate or verbalize them. poor Brian has no idea what’s going on with me because, it isn’t that i don’t want to talk about it, i just can’t. i can only give him bits and pieces, a phrase here, a remark there. because he knows me so well he’s able to attribute meaning. when he tries to draw me into a discussion, however, i get agitated and angry and i close up.

so there it is, folks. the emotional upheaval most people associate with anyone who’s depressed has arrived. do i feel hopeless? yes. do i feel worthless? yes. however, instead of manifesting itself into a profound sadness and desire to kill myself, this particular depressive episode is coming out in absolute anger. that’s why i’m having such a hard time explaining what’s bothering me. have you ever been so pissed off that you can’t even get words out? i don’t just mean on paper, either, but trying to talk.

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though i’ve been suicidal in the past, i’ve never felt homicidal. i think it’s because i’ve managed to participate in healthy activities in which i can take out my agressions: playing the drums, playing hockey, martial arts. i thought i was just a tomboy.

you know how people somtimes put a picture of someone they can’t stand on a dartboard and throw darts at it? well, that’s how it started for me when i was 14. not with darts, but with playing the drums. whoever i was angry with, i imagined their faces on each one of my drums and cymbals. then i’d pound away as hard as i could. when i see pictures of myself at that age, 13, 14–i’m rarely smiling in any of them. as an adult looking back at these photos, i feel sadness for the person i was then. i looked so unhappy. well, i suppose i was.

the first time i was hospitalized, in 1994, the head therapist kept asking me what was behind all my anger. it was very confusing because i didn’t feel angry then. i was suicidal and depressed. depressed people aren’t angry, i thought, so what the hell is he talking about? all these years later, i finally understand what he meant. that anger he saw inside me is finally coming out, but instead of being directed inward, it’s directed at whoever happens to be in the room with me at the time.

Brian is a saint, let me tell you. yesterday, i asked him if he didn’t feel like punching me because of my behavior. he said no because he knows i’m going through a tough time right now. me, i would have punched myself for the way i was acting. i’ve been so rude and difficult to live with, to be around. i’ve even told the cats to shut up when they meow! i guess Brian knows that this isn’t like me. obviously, i’m not myself.

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anyway, i was saying that i used to have outlets for my agressions, and i don’t right now, other than the video game i’m playing. for those of you who aren’t familiar, Morrowind is a role-playing game (RPG) that came out years ago and that i’ve only discovered. in RPGs, you develop your character through the adventures and quests s/he experiences. the nice thing about this one is that it’s also part hack and slash (which i don’t normally like) where you’re required to defeat enemies through your skill at using the controller. the only other RPGs i’ve played do the actual battling for you. this one is a nice balance, if that makes sense. if it doesn’t, it’s ok because it’s unimportant to what i’m trying to say.

my character is taking out my agressions, my darker side, for me. that’s what so great about video games–they let you act out things you could never do in real life. i could continue talking about this forever, but then this post might end up being more about gaming than what’s up with me right now, so i’ll stop here.

i haven’t even started talking about the reasons for my anger! well, it’s too hard to explain right now anyway.

tomorrow, Brian and i meet with the pdoc to discuss ECT.