the down side about ECT is how it messes with your memory.? if i can’t remember all of you wonderful bloggers off the top of my head at first, please forgive me–i’m having trouble remembering the TV shows that i like, passwords to various accounts, and God only knows what else.? the good news is that this memory loss is temporary, and as long as someone helps jog my memory, i remember things almost immediately.? i would really, really, really appreciate everyone’s patience!? thanks.?
yay!!!! the doctor let me come home yesterday afternoon. i’m so glad!!! i told him that at that point, having to stay inside the hospital all weekend would make me feel more depressed because it’s so beautiful outside!
when i woke up Friday, apparently i was asking for a latte. the social worker who was at my side while i recovered said i was asking for Starbucks, then he jokingly asked, “Grande? Or venti?” he claims my answer was, “Iced.”
the treatments aren’t over yet, but the rest will be done on an outpatient basis tomorrow, Wednesday, and Friday. speaking of which, i know i left this in the comments section of the previous post, but i thought i’d say it again: Brian pasted the code to the wrong audiopost, which is why i was talking about blog renting and not ECT. the correct code is up now, so you can hear my ECT details, if you’re interested.
when i first posted about ECT, about how my pdoc broached the subject and i immediately thought of the Ramones’ song, “Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment,” i didn’t know how to upload an MP3 file for your listening pleasure. now, i do! so folks, knock yourselves out. want to sing along? click here for the lyrics.
“Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment” by the Ramones
we just got the call from the doctor’s office. i’ll be admitted to the hospital later today and will be there for 2 weeks. the pdoc said that the initial ECT treatments will be on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for those 2 weeks. after that, i may have some maintenance treatments that can be administered through outpatient, and very possibly, the only medication i’ll have to take is a mood stabilizer! yay!!!!
still, Brian and i aren’t placing all our Easter eggs in one basket, which is the attitude we had towards the sleep studies. in many cases, however, ECT is a last resort. that scares me.
as for the ECT itself, i’m nervous. of course, i’m trying to make light of it. when i woke up this morning, i placed my finger on Brian’s and each of the cats’ heads in turn and said, “Bzzt!”
for some reason, the Neopets battledome item Bzzt Blaster came to mind, which according to the In-Depth Battlepedia, deals 3 icons water damage, 3 icons air damage, and 5 icons light damage. what sort of damage will the ECT Blaster do to me? i guess there really is such a thing as “scrambled brains.”
i doubt they’ll let me have my cell phone, otherwise i’d phone in some audioposts. at any rate, i’ll bring a notebook with me and try to keep track of this experience. ’til next time!
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i never blog about political topics because this is a personal blog. besides, i’m not all that interested in politics anyway. this current issue over criminalizing illegal immigrants coming into or already in our country is political, yes, but also a personal topic for me. it’s been very much on my mind because it’s been all over the news.
first of all, to criminalize something that’s illegal is redundant. if something is illegal, then it’s already against the law, isn’t it? if you break the law, you’re already a criminal! a local politician i saw on the news (can’t remember her name, or it might have been Luis Gutierrez) said that illegal immigrants just want what’s available to all Americans. um, excuse me? if they’re here illegally, then they’re not American!!!
the reason this bothers me so much is because i was an immigrant–a LEGAL immigrant–and so were my parents. we arrived in this country through LEGAL means. my parents worked hard to be able to move to the United States of America, and worked just as hard to get to where they are today socio-economically.
there are many, many people in our country (we’re now naturalized American citizens) who have the same story that we do. making concessions to immigrants who arrive here illegally trivializes everything that legal immigrants have worked for, the lives we’ve made for ourselves in our adopted country. since when are shortcuts available to the American dream?
when we met with our couples counselor last week i told her that if i were ever in a band again, this would be my stage name.
not too long ago, i said that my current depressive symptoms were mainly physical (disturbed sleep, appetite), and that it’s affected me emotionally in terms of extreme boredom and disinterest–you know, anhedonia. this is the first time i’ve even looked at my blog since the last post, and for anyone who visits regularly, you know that i didn’t even post a Friday Cat Blog this past week. i just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
i’ve been withdrawing, i know. a couple of weeks ago, i started slacking off on my blog reading; then replying to e-mail messages. the last couple of days i didn’t even check e-mail at all, and yesterday, i didn’t even get on the computer!
i can barely bring myself to write this post. not because i’m no longer interested in my blog or my blogfriends–i am–but there is too much going through my head right now and it’s been difficult to express my thoughts, to articulate or verbalize them. poor Brian has no idea what’s going on with me because, it isn’t that i don’t want to talk about it, i just can’t. i can only give him bits and pieces, a phrase here, a remark there. because he knows me so well he’s able to attribute meaning. when he tries to draw me into a discussion, however, i get agitated and angry and i close up.
as if i don’t have enough trouble with sleeping, this snuck up on me! time changes have always messed up my sleep.
the Provigil has helped me stay awake all day, so no more naps. however, it keeps me up all night! that’s just on half the dose, too. so i still have to take trazodone in order to sleep. right now, i just need to figure out the proper amount of trazodone to take. if i take 150mg i end up sleeping 9 hours or more; if i take 75mg, i sleep 6 hours or less. or maybe i should ask the doctor if i can cut down on the Provigil dose. what a pain. it makes me cranky. can you tell?
