i’ve been seeing this around lately, so of course i had to jump on the blogwagon and see what it’s about. the results of this test is Your True Self Revealed, which for me, were mostly true. first you get a list of statements that are About You, then another list on How You Relate to Others, and finally, a Personality Chart. this last can be confusing to read, like a lot of standardized test results. the number next to each trait is actually how many other test takers scored lower than you, rather than your actual score in that area. uh, make sense?

soooo…what’s your Personal DNA? here’s my True Self Revealed. or you can mouse over each of the 13 colors on my DNA map for the recap version. maybe if we have any that match we’ll find out we’re related!

emotional pain, that is. recently i got an e-mail from a friend saying how sorry she is that i’m depressed and unhappy. “depressed and unhappy” has been on my mind ever since. many people seem to think that if you’re in a depressive episode, you’re also suffering from terrible, emotional pain. while for some that may be true–and it certainly has been for me in the past–i’m not unhappy.

my particular depression is emotional in that i’m bored easily because most things that i like don’t interest me or don’t hold my interest for very long. however, i don’t feel hopeless; i don’t feel worthless; and i’m not suicidal. i don’t have a hard time getting out of bed because i don’t see any reason why i should. i have reasons, believe me. like, if i don’t get up at some point and feed the cats their breakfast, Hopper will leave me a nice pile of shit somewhere.

i’m not going through any emotional upheaval other than anxiety and feeling overwhelmed, which are things people who aren’t going through a depression also feel. you know, stress. in the past 12 years, i’ve learned to tell the difference between “feeling sad” and “being depressed.” when i’m sad, there are specific reasons why. when i’m depressed, most of the time it’s for no reason at all, though it’s sometimes because of my anxiety.

so yeah, i’m depressed. i’m angry about it. annoyed, certainly. sometimes i even find humor–dark as it is–in the fact that i have trouble doing simple things like getting in the shower, because it just seems so ridiculous. however, i’m definitely not unhappy. i have a husband who loves me, 4 wonderful cats, an excellent support system, and i have everything i want within reason. we’re not well off financially, but we’re getting caught up. for the most part, Brian can support the both of us on his salary. yes, a disability check every month would be welcome if i can get around to applying. but my life is good.

maybe this only makes sense to me, i don’t know. but i had to get it out so i can try to process it. frickin’ chemical imbalances.

i love making lists. even more than that, i love crossing things off my list. however, there are times when my list is so long that i feel overwhelmed and end up doing absolutely nothing. the list continues to grow, and i continue to be overwhelmed, and by that point, i’m probably hypomanic. or depressed. or anxiety-ridden. i become immobile, i withdraw, i do nothing. at its worst, i even ignore phone calls from my family.

so i pick 3 things from that list and do those first in the order that i choose or that makes sense. i don’t worry about items 4 – 200, just 1 – 3. and then the next of set 3. and so on. when i’m functioning normally–that is, when i’m successfully stabilized by meds–those things might be: 1) pick up prescriptions; 2) buy cat food; 3) return a video. when i’m depressed and/or anxiety-ridden, they might be: 1) take a shower; 2) feed the cats; 3) eat breakfast. in the former list, the latter is a given. i can skip making a plan for those steps because they’re routine.

Brian knows that in order for me to function, i have to have a 1-2-3 Plan. as soon as we woke up this past Sunday, he suggested this: 1) throw on clothes; 2) feed the cats; 3) go to brunch, which is a very good plan for depression/anxiety–just get out of the house. i was nowhere near that far. the plan i had in mind was: 1) blow my nose; 2) use my nose spray; 3) take my meds, all of which are normally routine steps for 1) throw on clothes.

not good.

unlike the first sleep study, i had an idea what to expect. we had to be there at 9:30pm and since it was no longer an adventure, i was agitated because i so didn’t want to go. spending the night at the sleep center didn’t seem too bad, but hanging out there all day Saturday sounded like major suckage to me.

when we arrived, we were placed in the same room as last time. its familiarity was comforting, as was the fact that i had the same tech. because i knew what to expect, the preparation seemed to go quicker: slap gunk in my hair, fasten a wire, gunk, wire, gunk wire; tape more wires onto my face; pull straps around my torso. i thought i was doing the same test as before–you know, like a 2nd go. nope.

the tech called this one a CPAP Titration Test, which meant i would be trying out 3 different versions of that Darth Vader mask while i slept! the one i’m wearing in the picture was Mask A. when he first put it on, the air was turned up so high, it was like being on the receiving end of a vacuum hose–i tore that thing off so fast. once i was settled in, it wasn’t bad, kind of like going under general anesthesia. thanks to my trusty trazodone, i crashed immediately.

two more times during the night the tech fitted me with Masks B & C. unfortunately, those pictures didn’t turn out. i don’t remember what the 2nd mask was like, but the 3rd was the worst. it was the largest of the 3, nearly covering my entire face. these masks are supposed to help people with sleep apnea get true, proper sleep. huh. instead of helping me sleep through the night, the last one kept waking me up! all that plastic pressing into my face was annoying so i’d try to rearrange it, but whenever i did, the masks weren’t placed over my mouth and nose correctly, so the frickin’ thing would whistle. whistle! you know, like when a booger’s stuck at the end of your nostril, but a million times louder!

we were awoken at 5am and told that the 2nd test (for narcolepsy) would begin at 7am. this one consisted of staying awake for 2 hours and then napping for 15-30 minutes. during the nap period, they monitor which of the 5 stages of sleep you go through, if you fall asleep at all. an indicator of narcolepsy includes going directly into REM (stage 5) sleep. after nappy time, you’re awoken, stay up for 2 hours, then nap again–4 naps total! and you can’t leave!

i would have gone completely nuts if it hadn’t been for the tech who conducted this test. she’s like your grandmother from the old country, accent and all. just like a grandma, she fussed over me, brought me apple juice and snacks. she also scolded me for sleeping with the pillow over my head–and again when i forgot–and for moving around so much during each set of waking hours that she had to refasten some of my wires before each nap.

what could i do? those 2 hours were ssssoooo boring! i wasn’t allowed to fall asleep during wakey time, and it was so hard not to, even though i alternated between reading and watching TV. at least Brian got to leave for a little while to feed the cats, get himself coffee, and whatever else.

i fell asleep the first couple of times, but i’m not sure about the rest. it was so tedious, but i’m glad it’s over with. the results should be in by the end of the week, then back to the ENT’s office for me.

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