I Say I Don’t Care, But I Do
the other day, when i said that i don’t feel hopeless…i think i was wrong. i think that i do feel hopeless about shaking this depressive episode i’ve had for thre frickin’ years now!!! i had a pdoc appointment today and i didn’t feel like going because i didn’t care. if Brian were home and could have taken me, then fine, i would have gone. otherwise, i just didn’t care.
the rational part of me cares, of course, but the irrational, depressive-thinking part was saying, “Why bother?” nothing has helped, or at least not enough to put it in remission. this or that medication will work for a while, and then it wears off. partial hospitalization programs only help so much. i like having somewhere to go every day, meeting people, and doing the activities part, but i don’t need any more psychoeducation!
i was on the computer from 9:30am ’til noon today playing Neopets and IMing with friends. Brian called so i got off the PC (i was bored with it anyway) and told him how i felt about going to the pdoc. after we hung up, there was nothing i felt like doing so i went back to bed.
woke up around 2:20pm, lay there for ten minutes, then somehow dragged my ass into the shower and forced myself to drive to the pdoc. because the rational part of me knew that i had to. turns out, i hadn’t seen him in two months.
i told him that i’ve had trouble writing–even blogging. when i sit down with my notebook, words just refuse to come out. i’ve tried forcing myself to write anything, and it isn’t working. have you ever read or heard about artists who’ve lost their ability to create? i never took that seriously and always thought it was the stuff of fiction. except now, it’s happening to me. not that i’ve been interested in writing poetry since i graduated, but i can’t work on any fiction, non-fiction, nothing. i used to be able to write for eight hours a day.
the pdoc is worried about me. i don’t know why, but i find something funny about that, even though there’s nothing funny at all about it. so he brought up the subject of ECT again. tomorrow i see the ENT to get the results of my sleep studies and find out what’s going to happen with that. then i see the pdoc again in two weeks and we’ll see what happens. in the meantime, Brian and i are looking for things to occupy my time–like a class or something. the pdoc thinks this is a good idea, as long as we can find something that can hold my interest.
I want you to know how much I appreciate you & value our friendship. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time & am here for you.
March 27, 2006 7:52 pm
I hope that things get better for you soon Barb. I am thinking about you:)
March 27, 2006 8:49 pm
Maybe not losing the ability to create, but writer’s block can last for extremely long periods… years or decades even.
The key is not to focus on it. The more you focus on it, the farther out of reach it gets… like one of those stupid 3d pcitures you have to look through…
A schooner is a sailboat!
March 28, 2006 2:36 am
What about a series of short term classes? Like a 5 or 6 weeks ceramics, or beading or karate or stained glass or something that allows for an outlet without huge commitment?
March 28, 2006 6:19 am
Gosh I know how you feel so much. I have been fighting depression off and on for the last 2 years. Before that it seemd like I was doing well.
I often and even now think whats the point of all these meds. I don’t think they even help at all. If I could stop taking them without my body going haywire I would…. right NOW!
The mental hospital is a bunch of bolognia. They don’t even give you therapy there other than group and I don’t like groups. It is just basically a place to make sure you have nothing to kill yourself with.
Anyways I know exactly what you are going through!!! I have no friends and I can barely do anything myself. Now I am babysitting, but it is hard, and only because I REALLY need the money. Other than that I haven’t worked or done anything for the last 2 years.
I wish I could tell you something that could help, but I have found NOTHING.
Oh, one more thing. I have been thinking lately… if I were old or this was the last day of my life… I would think “what a tragic life I lived.” It’s sad. I want to be happy.
March 28, 2006 7:47 am
One of the things I have learned about depression, is that if you discuss your depression over and over, it makes you more depressed. You know Barb, I wish I could be there to help you. It’s so hard to figure out how to help you from such a long distance. The blogging helps, but not perfectly.
One of the hardest obstacles I’ve noticed for people who are clinically depressed is their constant state of denial. Denial can be a powerful weapon for sinking deeper into your depression. While I realize that you are completely aware of what is wrong, and I also realize that your anxieties constantly get the best of you, I honestly feel that you need more support at home and you are not getting it. I realize that Brian is wonderful (and he is), but being home alone for that long of a period of time without intervention can make your process of climbing out of the depressive hole all the more difficult.
You need to arrange it to where a social worker comes to your home Barb. It’s not enough to leave the house. You need help at home, not leaving the home. You are all by yourself a lot of the time, and I think that is one of the most significant factors contributing to your progress. You need a friend or someone to call you every day and encourage you, etc. You need someone other than Brian to do these things for you, etc.
March 28, 2006 12:23 pm
Barb,
Believe it or not, I have been there. Forcing myself to have more interaction with the outside world was REALLY important. It sucks and it is SO hard when I was down but, in the end, it ALWAYS helped me. The class sounds good. Really anything would be good. Even a grocery store run once a day helped. You need to figure out what may be right for you though. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I didn’t write a thing for 4 years and I had been writing everyday since I learned to write. In fact, my blog makes me do it now. The more pressure I put on myself to be creative, the less creative I felt. Give yourself a break. The last thing you need is to beat yourself up.
March 28, 2006 2:41 pm
Depression is horrible. I know. I was in a horrible funk last year, am okay now, but, it isn’t that far away and is a constant concern of mine.
As for something to do…do you like computer classes? I took a few last year and it seemed to help me have something to do. HP.com offers free classes in all sorts of stuff, some are 4 lesson and some are 6 lesson classes. I can give you a link if you want.
Hang in there, it will get better.
March 28, 2006 8:42 pm
Barb, I can so relate to what you’re going through. I’m bipolar and have been through partial hospitalizations, inpatient hospitalizations, shock treatments and of course the endless meds.
Thing is, when I started blogging last spring, I was hypomanic and it was a writer’s dream come true. The words and ideas just flowed so easily. Then I got to the point where blogging took over everything, and now I’ve got hell to pay because of it for neglecting my “real life.” And now that the blogging/writing has begun to lose some of its luster, I have to finally face the outside world and my obligations which I’ve been escaping from for so long.
Now that I’m hitting a slump, which I hope is not the beginnings of the big D again, I have neglected to visit my blogpals and am finding it hard to write as well. But I think I need to reach out, and the blogosphere is sometimes terrific therapy.
Well, I didn’t mean to make this a treatise about me, but just to say I think I understand what you’re going through. It’s good to hear you have a support system, and I’m rooting for you.
March 29, 2006 6:07 am
I really hope this episode is over for you soon. It’s cliche to say it but it’s always darkest before the dawn so maybe things will change soon. Wishing you peace.
March 29, 2006 11:23 am
Hey Barb, Hopefully something helps soon. And you know what? Like you said about the class or something..if it can hold your interest it might just be good for you. Hope you have a better day today!
March 30, 2006 6:22 am
I’m hoping things get better soon. You’re in my thoughts.
March 30, 2006 11:02 am
Getting through depressive episodes is tuff. You never really know what will bring you out of one.
Hope things get better.
March 30, 2006 11:34 am
I feel for you Barb. Depression is a battle, and one thats hard to fight when you’re in it. I don’t have any answers, and have a hard time fighting it when I’m in it. But I’m here too, cheering you on however you chose to fight it.
You’re in my prayers.
3T
March 30, 2006 2:56 pm